You've Lost That Loving Feeling?

I was talking to my roommate yesterday about the goings ons in my placement and how I am currently feeling with my "job". The conversation revealed a few things to me that I hadn't recognized or wanted to point out to myself.

It's October 29th and I left Washington state August 12th so that makes, what, two and a half months gone? The novelty of patience, excitement and initial buzz has worn off. I still love what I'm doing but I've noticed my interactions have altered and I'm now finding myself making attempts to recapture that old spark that I have lost.

I find myself not as patient with my kids...I've become similar to the other counselors here...I yell at the kids more than I hug them and I am more critical than I am smiling toward them. I don't even play with them as often as I used to.

It's not just my kids though, it's the actual interactions I've had with my co-workers as well. I am less "peppy" as one co-worker said. My boss said that I have hardened a little bit since I first got here, but she said this in a positive way...as if me becoming tough and numb to their backgrounds and to the kids was a good thing. I miss the excitement I used to get when I woke up in the morning. I miss playing with my kids...somehow along the way, I have lost the loving feeling I have for my staff and especially those I am serving...my kids. Don't get me wrong, I love them still and I still love my job, but somehow I have lost the initial spark I had for my work.

Now it's time to find a solution...I've noticed I am more "negative" when I hang around some of the staff, so maybe I should spend more of my time with my kids. Maybe I should chose certain days to spend with certain kids and certain days to spend with the other kids. Then, the novelty of spending my days with those little dearies won't run out as quickly. In addition, I've noticed the power of music. If I listen to "pump up" music that makes me happy, than I am more likely to have a good day...crazy, right? I just need to refocus and re-evaluate my priorities again. That's all...I'm confident that now I've recognized the problem, I will find a solution. Today is day one...I will recapture what I lost and have a wonderful time doing it. It's going to be good. Happy Halloween everyone...be safe, have fun and don't smash any pumpkins or I.Will.Cut.You. Loves!

A Run Down of the Past Few Days

So I'm not sure I have much to say at this point but I made a promise to myself that I would update this thing every Tuesday and Thursday so I must write! :)

Our local support people came over on Thursday and we watched "Invictus", it was pretty good. It made me want to meet Nelson Mandela...and it's always nice to see John and Sara so it was a good night. Before they arrived, we took it upon ourselves to make popcorn from scratch (over the stove) which was hilarious and may or may not have cost Alie her eye...hahaha. Kernels were flying everywhere but it tasted like the best popcorn I've ever had.

On Saturday, we watched the Phillies lose to the Giants...which made my roommates very sad. We went to some dive bar and sat contently for three hours, watching every pitch, pop up and foul ball hit in the game. Alas, it was not in the cards for them and they lost. Poor Phillies. But hey, they made it further than the Mariners have ever made it!!! :)

I spent my time on Sunday decorating for Halloween with the lovely decorations my mama got me and cooking din din with Melissa. Melissa made homemade soup (so yummy) and I baked a huge butternut squash. We have also added a picture wall to our house so now we have a little bit of ourselves/our pasts to share with anyone that comes to our house...and I get to see all my friends from home anytime I feel like it!!!

Yesterday, one of my kids asked me if I was pregnant...which was definitely a first for me. I've never been asked that before. He kept tapping my tummy and saying, "you're having a baby...don't lie...you're having a baby." I tried to tell little Justin that it was rude to ask that...but he didn't care. He only cared about the imaginary, illegitimate child I was supposedly growing in my tummy. Never a dull moment, I tell you. Now all I want to do is work out and get in shape! Speaking of which, I kind of want to run a 5k. It would be fun and the last race I ran in was a blast so it couldn't be that bad, right?

Last night we watched "The Blindside" and I loved it...it's so good. It made me want to adopt 50 children...whereas before I only wanted to adopt 20. It's a great movie which made me cry and smile. Pulls at your heart strings, that movie does.

I got some fun news from my brother: he's applying for JVC and Teach for America. If I sign on for a second year, we could be in the same JVC region at the same time!!! That would be cool...we'll see though. But yeah, as I said...boring-ish post...but I promised myself so that was the run down. I hope everyone is having a great week. Loves!

Through the Eyes of a Child

My office is lined with artwork from my kids...it's a wonderful way to remind myself as to why I'm here...it's the perfect way to keep me focused on what's important.

I have hand prints with the words, "I love you" written in them. I have pictures of trees, stamped pieces on colored paper and the ever popular drawn "blob" in various shades of green, blue, purple and red.

On Tuesday, I wore my superheros shirt to work and it was a huge hit. My kids poked and shrieked over one another to point out which superhero was which. They all decided to draw pictures of their favorite superhero for me; but most of them ended up taking them home because they were so proud of their pictures.

Relatability---I am finding this to be the most important trait to continue with my kids. Whether it's through my childish t-shirts, silly drawings or sometimes foolish behavior, I am finding that being relatable to my kids not only puts me on their level, but in their world. Fart jokes are all of a sudden funnier to me, hours of building legos isn't boring and seeing the world through the eyes of innocence is slowing coming back to me. I can see the hope and love they have in their eyes and it makes my world better.

Yesterday morning, I was rushing to shave my legs and I cut my knee...it wasn't too bad, but it was in a weird spot so I had to put a band aid on it. During the after school program, Giovanni (a 5 year old boy) pointed at my leg and asked, "Miss Katie, how did you get that?" I told him that older girls shave their legs and I cut myself shaving. He asked, "does it hurt?" I told him it only hurts when I think about it...then Gio bent down and kissed my knee...he said, "now it's better, right?" I smiled at Gio and said, "much better, thanks Gio."

My kids - my kids - show me how to love in such beautiful ways. Just when I think my day is going kinda blah, they'll do something that will remind me of why I'm here.

Last week, Bella (6 year old girl) was in the art room and she told me she was missing her mommy. I told her, "well, I miss my mommy too." Bella looked up at me with water in her eyes and said, "why? Where's your mommy?" I told her that my mom was all the way across the country (which I'm sure she had no clue what that meant). I suggested that we make our mommies cards so that they would know that we were thinking of them...Bella loved the idea and began scribbling something in pink colored pencil. When she was finished she wrote her name on it and put it in her bag. I had yet to finish so Bella, Lailani, Keyana and Ariana helped me finish my card (which is now in the mail to my mom...sorry for the spoiler, mom).

Relatability---Gio related to my boo boo, Bella related to me missing my mom...when you think you'll have nothing in common with someone, they show you differently. Life is much more enjoyable through the eyes of a child. It's more simple...it's more honest...it's more loving. I am learning so much from them...I can't wait to see what they'll show me today from 2:30-5pm. Here's hoping for more decorations for my office! Loves.

Falling into Bridgeport

I must say, fall is one of the most under rated seasons in Washington state. I have been in Connecticut for over two months now and the fall season is in full swing. It is one of the most beautiful sites to see...back home in Washington, we get maybe four days tops of beautiful, crisp air and clear, blue skies outlined with bright orange, yellow and amber leaves. Then the rain comes and knocks all the leaves to the ground and that's my fall season. Here, the fall has been in full swing for at least two weeks...it's gorgeous. I look out my window every morning to sunshine, autumn colors and light bursts of wind dancing with the limbs of the trees. It's like a dream, I keep waiting to wake up with pouring rain and monstrous puddles in my front yard, but alas, it has yet to occur. So I've come to this conclusion: Washington is definitely missing out on the season...it's cold, yes, but there is very minimal rain and the colors are so beautiful. Washington needs to get on board and incorporate fall into their calendar.

Otherwise, this weekend my roommates and I had a few meetings with our P.C. and local support people to help sort out questions we had about what loosing a roommate means for us. It was very reassuring and helpful. Then, we had a Bridgeport alum come visit us from last year's house. She was cool and treated us to beer at Archie Moore's Pub. We watched the Phillies lose (which only fed into Alie's theory that if she watches them play, they lose). It was a fun, relaxing night.

On Sunday, we went to Silverman's Farm with the hopes of picking apples; when we got there we discovered that to our amazement, apple picking season was over...so we got two pumpkins and a gourd for our porch. Carving will commence in about a week or so...I can't wait!!! We had a lot of fun watching the millions (over-exaggeration) of kids run around the farm, playing on hay bails and picking the perfect pumpkin for them.

When we weren't doing all the above stated things, I crocheted two hats...the first was a sad excuse for a hat (it resembled a Hershey's kiss) but the second one came out much better. I have also finished the tedious process of re-sizing and sewing my staff shirt to fit me. I took a size XL and made it a small in two short months...never again will I attempt such a project without a sewing machine! So I've been filling my spare time with crafty projects and some light reading...I'm still working on the third Harry Potter book and my roommates and I decided to begin our own book group. Our first book is "To Kill a Mockingbird". None of us have read it before so it should be good...it is a classic. It was an all around good weekend...after a crazy whirlwind of a week. I hope the fall days are long and beautiful for you all as well!!! Loves.

And Then There Were Three...

Wow...where to begin? Currently, I am listening to Nat King Cole in my office, trying to sort through the craziness of the past week.

Pat's (my Program Coordinator) visit was amazing; it was just what my community needed and just what I needed. It was a breath of fresh air and I felt that we were rounding out our two months on a positive note; then, after Pat left on Friday, we were hit with some crazy stuff that hasn't slowed down.

This past weekend was uncomfortable and strange for me (details I can go into later and seem very minute now) but it was a blah weekend. But it turned out to be the calm before the storm...because Tuesday night was the mother of all downpours. I have debated with myself as to whether I should be sharing this information via my blog or if it's even my place to discuss this matter, but after a lot of consideration I have decided to write about the past 48 hours and its affect on me.

Tuesday night, one of my roommates sat my community down to have a chat. I had no clue what the conversation would entail, but within the three hour conversation it was revealed that this roommate had been considering quitting the program (JVC). I found myself in a state of confusion because I didn't see this coming at all...I didn't sense this, and usually I'm so apt at predicting this stuff. She gave us a slough of reasons for leaving and I found myself trying to convince her to stay when her mind was already made up. So we left the conversation with her uncertainty of whether she was staying or not.

Yesterday afternoon, on the ride home from work, Alie received an e-mail from this roommate explaining that she made a decision and her decision was to leave Bridgeport and quit JVC (I just got this e-mail this morning so it was sent to all of us). Well, I found myself rushed with sadness, anger, guilt, hurt, confusion and concern. As of now, I am still processing this information and the fact that as of tomorrow I will be living in a community of three. For some of you reading this, you may not understand the severity of this roommate's early departure, let me just relay to you that her leaving is a huge deal...trust me...not just to me, but to Bridgeport, JVC and all involved in the program. I am shocked, I didn't see it coming and I have replayed my actions and my interactions with her over the past two months over and over again but dwelling on it won't help me. I don't know if this roommate understands how much she really is damaging our experience or even our personal psyches but she has reached a decision that she feels is best for her. If you want to know more about how I'm doing or how JVC is going to try and fill in the gaps/the logistics of this situation, call me (although I doubt I'll have answers for you).

I do need to reaffirm though that this decision was not a result of anything my community has done wrong. This roommate had her reasons, none of which had to do with the remaining three Bridgeport members...this fact I have had to convince myself of and stop beating myself up about because whether I like it or not, her leaving is not my fault. Thank you for your prayers and support and I love you all, even my not-so-avid readers! We're all still processing and trying to answer the inevitable question of "where do we go from here?" But I can only look up and be excited about the next ten months...I have two awesome roommates who love me and are ready to take life by the horns so here we go!

Almost 2 Months...

So Monday marks the two-month point since leaving the Pacific Northwest. I have a few revelations and experiences to check off a long laundry list of glorious happenings in that two-month period of time.

I have a new appreciation for:
Small states and the ability to travel through 4 states in an hour; the non-stop rain of the PNW; old buildings, erected before Washington even became a state; the ability to adapt as a human being; letter writing; sewing; laughter; music and dancing; Dunken Doughnuts; Italian cooking; eggplant; wild turkeys; bear hugs; red wine; electric blankets; Valentino's wave every morning at 8:45am and much, much more.

Things I have experienced:
Central Park in NYC; Yale; Lil' Italy festival in NYC; Bridgeport Bluefish baseball games; Baltimore; warm, loving smiles from little faces every day; true poverty and the feeling of being a minority; Cardinal Shehan Center's Women's Golf Classic; an Amurika Party where I did pretty well in beer pong; September Fest at John and Sara's church; a sense of purpose and belonging; using a push mower; skunk sitings; three thunder storms; loss of power at the Shehan Center; being someone who is there for kids who've never felt that kind of love before and much, much more.

These past two months have not gone by without a glitch and they certainly haven't been easy; but I have discovered a lot about myself and my own, personal strength. I have learned a lot about what I need to be doing with my life...and that's helping kids. I could do this for the rest of my life...I want to be this person for kids for the rest of my life. It's that simple. These past two months have been a roller coaster of emotion and they haven't been easy, but these kids give me hope, give me love and give me a sense of purpose. I love them. More to come...it's only the beginning and I'm so excited to see what else the Lord has in store for me!!!

Loves!

Words to Be by Mama T

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." -Mother Teresa

This is just a thought that I need to have in mind more in my life...thought I'd share it. Enjoy!