I Am Ready

This week was another long week of wrestling and fighting with my six-year-old behaviorally challenged friend. I haven't talked about this not-so-little guy in a while because it's become such a state of normalcy in my classroom to have him punching, screaming, throwing chairs, running out of class, scratching, hitting and kicking. But this week he decided he would bite as well. Collectively, of the 35 hours I spent with my kids this week, 7 of them were putting poop-head in a hold or trying to reason with him.

Don't get me wrong, he has moments of kindness and understanding but when he flips the switch, it's on. I take off my scarf and ID badge and we're on like two WWF wrestlers (except the blood is real and the pay is significantly less). 

I didn't come on here today to rant about my problem child, though. I am climbing onto my soap box once more for one purpose; one realization I had. 

On Tuesday, my co-teacher told me privately that poop-head's mom had shared in a IEP meeting with my co-teacher that poop-head made her cry on a daily basis. When poop-head's mom picked him up that day, I looked at her and all I saw was despair, fear and defeat. She has no control and no escape. It made me realize that I'm done with him in four months. I never have to hold him or take a head butt or kick from him again. He is on to first grade and out of my life. BUT his mother, his mother is stuck with him, kicking and punching and scratching for the rest of her life.

I realized how lucky I was AND I then asked myself: what could I do to help make her future easier? How can I make her feel less despair, fear or defeat? Where is the refuge for her? Where is the mental illness program or social worker to help with her poop-headed son? 

Then I was reminded of the Sandyhook school shooting (and Columbine, Springfield, Virginia Tech, Aurora, etc.) and an article I read by Liza Long; a mother of a mentally disturbed child. She entitled it, "I am Adam Lanza’s Mother", referring to the shooter at Sandyhook Elementary. What support can we provide for parents who have no idea what to do with their behaviorally challenged/mentally disturbed children? What ways can we help to eleviate the despair, the fear AND the defeat? There has to be a way to aid these parents who are stuck for lifetimes; not just one school year, with out-of-control children. 

All I know is, "I am Ready" to help the men and women like Ms. Long and Ms. Lanza who are crying out for support and are only being met by judgment and noncooperation.

Liza Long's article is listed below:

http://thebluereview.org/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother/

Goliaths will Always Be There

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing," Frankl wrote in Man's Search for Meaning, "the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

My roommate sent me this quote in an article about Viktor Frankl (holocaust survivor and well known psychiatrist). I think it encompasses this new realization I have about life: one must choose what kind of attitude they take with them where ever they go.

It's no secret that I am non-confrontational. I am awful at discussing ugly things about people and am usually found beneath one's front door as the immortal "doormat". I hate confrontation. Currently, I am being met with a sticky situation with a bully in my life. She is manipulative, hurtful, out for her own agenda and I can't seem to say "no" to her. She is my current day Goliath. I keep wondering to myself if I will ever stand up to her...

Then I think back to a year ago and my work at the senior citizen non-profit I worked for. My Executive Director was a HUGE bully. He would lie, cheat and steal to get his way and use his commanding presence and blowhard voice to run people over. He was my Goliath of 2012.

Then, I think back to my time in Bridgeport and I think of some of the personalities I met there. Goliaths in there own right and it makes me stop and recognize a pattern...

All this time, I have been living a very naive life thinking people will always be nice and if I just eliminate this "toxic" Goliath from my life then I'll be done with having to deal with bullies. Well, after analyzing the data, I have come to the conclusion that Goliaths will never go away. Let me repeat that once more (more for my sake): GOLIATHS WILL NEVER GO AWAY!

There will always be a rude, hurtful, confrontational bully in my workplace or social life or elsewhere. They are like the stones David used to knock him out...everywhere.

So circling back to the quote, I think about my attitude when approaching these modern day Goliaths and I wonder if maybe my outcome would be more healthier if my attitude was more determined; more to the point; more direct and more tough towards these bullies. Maybe the role of the doormat will never end until I finally decided to say enough is enough, pick up a stone and metaphorically slingshot it into the forward of my confrontation.    

To Love Another Person is to See the Face of God

Like a typical "Conway", I am finding it a challenge to funnel my thoughts into one, cohesive post. It's been a month of absolute joy (the holiday season usually brings this gift to people) and now I find myself in a "joy" induced hang over.

Getting older means growing more comfortable with yourself and to me, it means helping others grow into themselves as well. No one ever told me that growing older would mean: bills, money worries, homesickness, choices made independently, apartment searches, loss, helplessness, loneliness and cooking for myself every night (OK, that last one isn't so bad).

So now, after being with my parents and loved ones for two weeks, I am thrown back into the "real world" of growing older.

What I'm finding is that my specific type of growing older is a little more difficult because I feel like I'm doing it on my own. Being so far away from everyone I love so deeply is now taking its toll on my "getting older" because that initial excitement about independence and that rush of adrenaline that kept me chugging along is now replaced with a deep desire to be close to the people I love. I guess one could say the honeymoon period is over.

Despite my desire to move back to the West coast, I have committed myself to my school until June 2014. So my "getting older" reality is that I just need to tough it out for 17 months more. Instead of wallowing in my choice to live in DC, I am trying to push myself to see God in it.

My New Years resolution (I never make these), is to try to see the face of God more. I really want to push myself to see where God is working in my life; why He has prompted me to stay in DC when I could've left in August and how His face is helping me to assist others in "growing older" as well.

Some brainstorming ideas thus far:
1) Go to Church more regularly - I find that when I have God as part of my routine, growing older isn't so hard to manage.
2) HAND write to the people I love and tell them I love them - actually being a friend instead of thinking about myself will help me pour my love onto others more instead of searching for it within myself.
3) Pray more - this should be a no brainer, but if I pray more, maybe God will be more constant in my thoughts!

And that's about as far as I got...any other ideas would be appreciated.

I recently saw Les Miserables with my parents. As strange as it sounds, it made me cry for the usual reasons but it also hit me deeper than that because it made me reflect on my faith and my relationship with God. Jean Valjean is no saint but instead of wallowing in his self-pity or "growing older", he chooses to see the face of God in those around him. The final line in the movie is: "To love another person is to see the face of God." So, my goal for myself is to not only love myself more, to help me grow more comfortable with myself, but also to love others more. I want to see the face of God...I need to see the face of God.

Peace and love to you. Be on the look out, I may be writing you soon.