Ch-Ch-Changes...Turn and Face the Strain

It's been three months since my last post. I went back and reread my January post and felt a sense of accomplishment (not like I've actually done anything in comparison but still, accomplishment). He comes home in 3 weeks. The anticipation can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. In a lull during my day or when someone asks me, I get this shock of excitement straight up my spine...he's coming back to me soon.

I can sit and dwell in my longing to see him and have him with me (which I feel like I did the first half of his deployment) but at some point, I decided to take control of it and grab a hold of this challenge, this new experience. Dwelling in it doesn't help anyone and certainly made our lives more miserable. So it goes without saying that his deployment has been difficult and challenging and down right awful at times. But his deployment has changed me in many good ways too. I have learned a lot about myself and feel that my love for him is that much stronger now.

I am proud of him for all he has done and is doing. I truly can see the sacrifices these men make and it's mind blowing to me that this is their life, our life together. But I feel like I have gained something from this deployment (besides a dependence on facebook messager).

I feel more confident in myself. I feel proud of the woman I am, the teacher I am, the girlfriend I am, the sister I am, the friend I am and the person I am. I feel like I have gained a sense of perspective and value. I am more of an advocate for myself and my students now and that makes me proud. Shaun has given me so much courage to have a voice and it's been really fulfilling to gain a handle on things I can control. Speaking up about children in my class or flaws at my school or even in my day to day conversations has been so satisfying. But also, finding things to fill my time that are productive instead of just passing the minutes by. I go to the gym, I have solitary prayer nights, I go to happy hours, organize activities for teachers to participate in, participate in a book group, cook for myself, try out new recipes, finish art projects, etc. I have a stronger sense of self now. In some strange way, his cheerleading from the sidelines has given me the chance to coordinate myself enough to mature in myself and grow into my skin.

 I'm excited to present this new part of me to him. I am excited about the confidence I feel. To be honest, I am just excited to have him home (to help propel this growth further). My heart feels like it literally is going to burst out of my chest. My eyes well up with tears whenever I think about it. I imagine the airport, me, anxiously looking through crowds as they exit the security gates, waiting (I've waited six months so you'd think 30 seconds would be so easy). Then, I imagine the rush of emotions I'll feel when I finally see him and the huge smile his mere presence will bring to my face.What will my first words to him be? Will I cry (of course I will)? Will I leap into his arms (so cliche)? What will he be wearing? What will he say to me? Will he talk about how crazy long my hair has gotten? Will he let me drive his car back to his place (hahaha)? And then I shake myself out of the daydream and realize, he's coming home soon, people, HE'S COMING HOME SO SO SOON! And I'll get to hold him tightly, as this more secure, self-loving woman he fell in love with a year ago and that is an accomplishment.

Ohhhhh We're Half-Way There

In a moment of immense vulnerability and on the cusp of PMS for sure, I am writing an emotion driven post tonight. We're reaching the 1/2 way point of Shaun's deployment. It's reassuring to think that more days will be behind us than in front of us. But I'd be lying if I said it's gotten "easier". I think that term is fluid. It never gets "easier". There are moments where I get wrapped up in work and his absence fades into the background; but it's still there.

Over winter break, I flew into Boise and as soon as I saw my mother, I began balling - in the airport, like a child. I think I had stored it all up for so long, and suppressed how sad and lonely I was feeling that when I finally saw comfort, I released it all. The next two weeks continued to fall into that same theme of sleeping a lot and being alone with myself to really process everything.

On Christmas Day, I opened my brother's gift to find that he had booked a flight to DC to visit me. He said, "let me know if those dates work, I just thought February might be a good time." I said thanks and that I was excited and then my brother continued talking to my parents about his planned visit. I tuned them out, thought deeply about some things and then finally let them in and said, "ya know, this is...(starting to cry)...actually a great time to come. (Pause to collect myself) Because I've been really anxious about what I was going to look forward to after Christmas and now I have it." I stumbled upon the last words as they came out. My family sat and looked at me with such compassion. I think it was the insight my parents had been seeking. The following week, my dad booked two plane tickets to visit me the same weekend as my brother in February.

Upon reflection, I wasn't just suppressing my difficulties from myself but from my family. On Christmas morning I saw how relieved my parents were to see me break down and have an honest conversation about my struggles. For some strange reason, I thought this deployment was mine alone and didn't really consider the support system I had waiting for me; just waiting for me to "use" them. Over my last few days in Boise, I realized how blessed I am to have a mother with an eagerness to help and a deep desire to love and comfort me in some of my saddest times. I am blessed to have my father's wisdom as he reminds me to strive for "progress, not perfection" while throwing in corny jokes along the way. I am blessed to have a brother who wants to visit me; who wants to physically be here for me; who researched and found (in his opinion) the best book about lives during deployment for wives. Equally as important, I am blessed to have a boyfriend who sends me an amazing Christmas gift - half way around the world - that left this always chatty woman, speechless. I am blessed.

Opening myself up and letting people step in to comfort or be there for me does not have to be a sign of weakness or a whirling out of control sensation. It opens a door. It can provide a pure opportunity to let others love me; show their love and help me realize that I am not alone in being sad. It's in that vulnerability where I realize how blessed I truly am. I am incredibly grateful for the gift of my family.