Sunday, July 15, 2012

Distant Chapters Closing

I haven't posted in a while and many things could be the reason why, "I'm busy", "I'm forgettful" and "I'm uncertain what to blog" all fall into the main reasons why I haven't but now I find myself inspired by something a little sad. 2012 marks two years that I have been living on the east coast...two years, that's 730 days. Two years worth of "stuff" my friends back home have done, holidays with my family and birthday parties I've passed by. Two years of brief and infrequent phone calls, numerous letters and even more text messages to try and bridge the over 2,800 mile gap between where I've been and where I am now.

I writer today and am inspired today, because my heart hurts. Sure, I've missed graduations and big moments of need or happiness in my family or friends' lives, but in this moment, in this time, the thing that has tipped the scale is the departure of a very dear friend from a life I had the privilege to be a part of. On June 4th, my friend, Fr. Qui-Thac Ngyuen celebrated his last Mass as Chaplain at the WWU Newman Center in Bellingham, WA. Alums traveled from far and wide to be a part of his last Mass and to thank him for all he had done for so many college students at WWU. I know for me, he is my college years, he helped form my mind, my soul and my heart and to think of the Newman Center without him there, seems impossible.

The work I do is important and beyond rewarding. I have learned, lost, loved and grown so much in these two years but I cannot honestly say that I would be here, sitting in Washington DC, with two years under my belt dedicated to serving the most vulnerable; if it weren't for Padre Qui-Thac.

He has inspired me to serve, to love, others. He has always been my number one supporter and motivator. When I wasn't sure about JVC or the homesickness or even where to discern my calling, Padre was there with wise words and a good book to help me sort things through.

I love being here, I love being in DC, the "Mecca" for social change but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss people, places and friends. Today I especially miss my friend, Fr. Qui-Thac. Although I know he is following his heart and discerned for himself where God was calling him, I know many will miss him and miss the impact he made on a lot of confused college students. 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Compassion, the Snuggly Kind

"Compassion is the ability to snuggle up to pain."
 I received this quote from my spiritual director last weekend on our Ignatian Spirituality retreat. I was explaining my role at Miriam's and how torn I feel sometimes between opening myself up to being hurt or let down and heading full speed into broken-ness. She gave me this quote.

Compassion is the ability to snuggle up to pain.

Tonight I think of three men, three very different men, who in the past 48 hours were FD-12'd at Miriam's Kitchen. An FD-12 is a forced detainment of someone who is likely to hurt themselves or someone else. It's when a person's rights are taken away and the person is usually admitted into a psych. ward for evaluation. These three very different men have touched my heart in ways I never thought possible.

Man #1: A lot of internal stimuli and is usually re-enacting Vietnam battle scenes in our dining room. He yells and scares me often because he can be very impatient but once in a while he'll surprise me, and I catch him singing. I catch him humming the songs from Soul Train or Studio 51...ghosts of his past and I wonder. He leaves me wondering, "what was he like before shipping off to Vietnam?" He was FD 12'd and detained for about three days.

Man #2: A WW2 Vet. who traveled the world in the Navy. This man yells often and shouts at things only he can see. He can be impatient and gets angry very easily when asked to repeat himself (which I have to do often because I cannot understand his mumbled, low voice sometimes). He has a fascination with Michael Jackson and was FD 12'd only a few days before Man #1 and was held for less than 24 hours. When he returned to us, he couldn't control his drooling because of the meds he's on.

Man #3: Man #3 is my favorite man to come to MK. He is about 32 and is jumbled. His thoughts are simple and reminds me of a child. Every day, he walks into MK and asks me for two spaceship pictures off of Google images. In those five minutes every day, I check in with him, ask him about his day, his life, his highs, his lows, etc. These are my favorite five minutes every day. On the day he was FD 12'd, we had to wait for the police to come so I distracted him for an hour and a half with the same movie preview of "Prometheus". Scary movie...when the police finally came, it was really sad to see him go. It was sad to realize that this man cannot take care of himself; that this man, who's only joy in the world is space, has slipped through the cracks. He touches my heart. His life has changed mine.

This man is scatter brained, usually yells across the room at our staff and motions his hand like a trigger and fires it off in random directions. He laughs and mumbles to himself, but he has moments of love. He looked at me once and said, with his stutter, "hey, hey, hey, Katie. You got nice hair." and then followed it up with, "for a white woman." My friend escaped from the psych. floor he was on and came back to MK. We had to keep him detained until the police arrived so we gave him a haircut and took about an hour and a half to do so...I watched as he visibly and metaphorically changed in front of me. I watched the ratted and matted hair, full of bugs, come flying off and his unruly and wiry beard shed from his chin and he changed.

When he was taken away for the second time, I went home crying because I was frustrated. I am frustrated that a man has been so left behind. A man has no place to go, nobody to love him and no understanding of that loss. It saddens me and breaks my heart.

I could say that about all three men though. The "system" has failed all three of them. So my challenge is not to flee from this reality. My challenge is to stay and be the person who will be there, who will feed, listen, love and print off spaceship pictures for them. It's my challenge to snuggle up to the pain, no matter how much it breaks my heart.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Learning From The Wizard of Oz

Lately, I have been struggling with wondering if I am doing enough. Day in and day out for the past 21 months I have dedicated at least 40 hours a week to loving others who are marginalized, poor or experiencing some type of neglect from our world.

Recently, I had a guest come up to me, with a cynical glint in his eye and ask me, "why are you here? Ya know I've been coming here for four years, my buddy's been coming here for eight and my other buddy has been homeless for 11 years. Why are you here, if we are still homeless?"

I didn't know what to say so I said nothing, I just smiled and said, "I am here because I want to show you that someone cares that you're homeless and that someone wants to see you happy." He chuckled a very doubty laugh and walked away. But this encounter got me thinking...

Why do I do all this? Some of my kids may never get to college or even graduate high school; heck, some may be killed or get into drugs. Some of my guests may get abused or relapse or die on the streets. And some may never get housed. Being the logical thinker I am, I know very well that I will not end poverty...even Jesus said, "for you will always have the poor with you; but you do not always have me" (Matthew 26:11)...so with that, what am I doing?

Last year, I gave a speech at our Re-Orientation retreat about loving until it hurts. I quotes Mama T's quote: "If I love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." I reflected on what that meant for me and my kids. I think that's what rings true beneath the cynicism: Love.

Still, I can't help but go to that dark place sometimes, when a guest relapses, or stands me up for an appointment, or loses the ID we just worked so hard to get for him and what helps me keep going is this thought I had after hearing a quote from the Wizard of Oz (I was babysitting tonight and this is what we watched): At the end of the day, God is not going to measure my heart by how many I have loved or how many I have saved from poverty as a checklist...He is going to feel that and know my impact and my heart's true intent by how many love me. Look at Mama T, she never loved me, she never even knew me but I loved her. I loved the work she did and the gusto she did it with...her character, her worth and her heart is measured by the people who loved her.

So this incomplete rambling of my frazzled brain can only be summed up by the quote that started it all:

"A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others" (The Wizard to the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz)

Friday, April 13, 2012

I Listen.

I have been on a hiatus for a wee bit but I am back because I have been inspired by the JVC Fundraiser I went to last night for the DC chapter of JVC.

At the fundraiser, the current JVs were asked to say a few words about who we are, where we're from and what we do. My co-worker and I fumbled under the sudden nerves we felt (and sleep deprivation of being up for 14 hours already that day) and didn't do our job justice. In lieu of that mess up, I want to do it justice here.

What do I do? Well the rehearsed answer I wanted to give was "I work at a social service agency that provides two hot meals a day to those experiencing homelessness while encouraging them to participate in our creative writing and art therapy studios. In addition, I do informal case management; so I do everything from getting them toiletries to applying for citizenship or housing.

What do I really do though? I listen.

I listen to the people, who in their 18 hours of awake-ness,every day, don't get to talk to anyone. I listen to those who feel like they have no place to go. I listen to women who have been through sexual or domestic abuse, I listen to people who see things that aren't actually there and I follow them into their delusions. I listen to men who are too proud to admit they need help and men who are too lazy to apply for something themselves. I listen to mothers worry as they fret about where they are going to spend the night with their two children. I listen to men who are drunk, coked out, high as a kite or hung over beyond belief. And I listen to people who have stories to share and ideas to contribute.

I listen.

So what do I do?
Well, let me take you through today: Got up at 8am, caught the Metro to a meeting I had at 10am. Listen to people from prominent social service agencies talk about how to solve Veteran homelessness until 12:30pm. Went to Wendy's with a co-worker (enjoyed a cheeseburger...it's all about life's simple joys). Headed to work by 1pm. Fielded voice mails and e-mails from 1:30pm-2:15pm and then set up for Studio/Afternoon Program. At 2:30pm Studio began. I immediately was flooded with Birth Certificate voucher requests and DC ID requests...many forms to fill out. Then "what I do" happened. I met with two very, very different men.

One, is a man struggling with drug/alcohol dependency and schizophrenia. He sees things I don't and I follow him into his world time and time again. Today, it was about movies. He was telling me that he's in a spaceship and I ask him what color the spaceship is and he says silver because all of them are silver. This man is always quick to smile at me, is a bit of a lose cannon and can be very unpredictable because his delusions make him react to things in violent/angry ways. Today, I talked about spaceships and stars with him for about 30 minutes. Today, I listened.

The other man is living with many, many medical problems and is in denial of the help he needs. He is always a jokester and is always seeking attention from others. My goal with him for the past two months has been to get him to see a doctor that treats the disease he is living with but he always laughs me off or changes the subject when I bring it up. Two days ago he finally went with my co-worker to get his food stamps and Medicaid card (two things we've been trying to get him to do for four months). Riding the coat tails of that, he sought me out today. He made me meet with him in my office and we talked. He talked and cried about his illness and how scared he was and I quietly sat there. He looked at me, with blood shot eyes and said, "Katie, I want to see a doctor; I don't want to die before I turn 31." I immediately contacted a doctor friend of mine and a clinic and we set up an appointment. Today, I discovered he got his food stamps card. Today, I listened.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

I am learning, I am constantly growing and developing as a person. My newest lesson I'm learning how to grieve. I lost a friend this past weekend; the Shehan Center lost a great role model and the world lost a bright star. She pushed me to be myself and stand up for myself and always believed in me. She taught me the dance moves to "Super Bass" by Nikki Minaj and "Girls" by Beyonce. She always made fun of my "whiteness" but also appreciated me for it. She was a strong, beautiful, wonderful human being who always danced like no one was watching.

The whys, the what-ifs, the hows have faded by now and am I now left with an tiny empty spot, where my friend used to fill. Through the moments of sadness and the moments she pops into my head throughout my day, I feel like my faith has only gotten stronger because of her tragic passing.

Sunday and Monday were difficult but as I looked at my schedule for the week ahead of me, I noticed a trend. Each day, God's hand was carrying me along the way because I had some form of support visiting my house each day. Bill was Tuesday, my spiritual director was Wednesday, my local support people were Thursday and my JVC supervisor was Friday-Monday. God's hand and whole being was actively working in my life. Although I am mourning her passing and missing her; I have an overwhelming feeling that I am being taken care of. My core is free-er, more open, more willing to let God lead me; to let God carry me.

I was telling my spiritual director yesterday that I have never felt this kind of peace before. My soul has relinquished control and offered everything up to God and I've never felt that before. My heart feels open; broken, but open, and ready for God to drive for a while. I've never felt that kind of relaxation and peace before.

My spiritual director kept asking me, "where is God in that? Where did you feel or see God in that?" This is how I choose to remember my friend, this is how I choose to honor and celebrate her life: I will see God in "it", I will strive to find God in all things and dance like no one is watching.

RIP Chantel Osorio ~ March 16, 1987 - March 17, 2012

Monday, March 12, 2012

Learning How to Sit Shot Gun

Either with my community mates, friends back home, family or co-workers, all have requested more stories; all have asked me to share the stories of the people in my life. I could write a novel (and I'm trying to) of all the people I've met and all the interesting things I've seen. I couldn't create or fabricate some of the interesting things I see every day at my workplace; for instance: One man's most prized possession is his Captain America shield he carries on his backpack (it's life size) or another man only wants articles and information from Wikipedia, all other sources are untrustworthy or another man asks for two spaceship pictures off the Internet every day and once he gets them, he sits with them, admiring his accomplishment.

It's an interesting world I get to be a part of but I think it's important for me to remember that in each quirky character trait and interesting nuance, they are people; they are people with souls, spirits and hearts.

Yesterday I was walking with my roommate to church and we passed by Martha's Table, a family outreach center that does a TON of social service work in the city. We walked by a line of people (probably about 15 people long) and I recognized a guest from Miriam's waiting in line. He saw me and hid his face, I mean immediately averted his glance to the brick wall to his left instead of looking at me; now, I'm not sure if it was because he thought he was a traitor for going to another agency for help or because he was down right embarrassed to be recognized by me. I like to think it was the later of the two though.

This little interaction reminded me that these "stories", these guests I have the privilege to meet, are people. They have feelings and probably don't want some 20-something white girl calling them out in a crowd when they are already having to be more than slightly humiliated by standing in line for services anyway. I often find myself wrestling with whether or not I should publicly recognize guests I see on the street because of how they may react. I guess, at the end of the day, the only thing I can do is smile and let them make the move, let them be in the driver seat and allow myself to sit shot gun.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

"The Best Curve on a Woman is Her Smile." - MK Guest

What a difference a kind word makes. "Good Morning" is the challenge and smiling is the name of the game.

At my placement, I have been bequeathed the nickname "Smiley". I never really understood what made my smile more impactful than someone else's to warrant the nickname, but I went with it. After about two months at this placement, I have noticed my smiling has been on the decline the busier I get. It seems amid the chaos, the first casualty is my smile.

In an effort to truly deserve my new nickname and revive my old smiling ways, I have made a conscious effort to smile more often and at more people throughout my day. When I am just standing at the desk, waiting for the bus or just presenting a "relaxed face", I stop myself and force myself to smile.

One afternoon, I was standing at the front desk (day eight of "Operation Smile 2012") and a guest came up to me. He began talking to me and telling me about his legal troubles and issues he's recently been having as a homeless man in DC. This guest is one of my favorites and I really enjoy talking to him. As I am speaking with him he interrupts his entire story and says, "ya know, Katie, I have to tell you; yesterday I was having a really crumby day...and I mean down right awful and I walked through those doors into the dining room and saw you at the front desk smiling and all of a sudden, my day didn't seem so bad. I just wanted to thank you for that." Of course, this elicited a huge smile from me and I responded, "well, thank you, I figured it's the least I can do!" He laughed and said, "I once heard the quote, 'the best curve on a woman's body is her smile' and now I know it's true. Don't stop smiling because it helps me."

I am not sharing this story to make people go, "ohhh, isn't she a saint?" I am sharing this story to help spread awareness and invite more people to join "Operation Smile 2012" in an effort to make people's days better. It's amazing how smiling can even make you feel more upbeat! Start small, notice when you're having down time, or waiting to cross the street or waiting in line at the store, smile. Have your relaxed face be a smiling one because you never know who's watching and if you're really feeling daring, say "Good morning or afternoon" to a stranger. It's amazing how much it can impact a life. :)