Let Me Love You

I have my little friend who was adopted in December. She has her struggles, she has her hard days, her heart longs to love but I can see that she holds back. It baffles me that a five-year-old has to grapple with emotions that should be reserved for those who are of age to vote.

For the longest time, I thought these lyrics (to Let Me Love You) were primarily for romantic relationships but when my little friend came up to me today, I got teary eyed and made another connection. At recess she reached up to my hand and put her tiny, freezing cold hand into it. She looked up at me with the most pure and honest eyes and said, "Ms. Katie, I wish I was your mom."

Knowing her struggles with her home life and her reluctance to open up to anyone, I was a little confused by this and decided to dig a little deeper so I smiled and said, "why, D?"

She tugged at my arm and pulled me down to her level and whispered into my ear, "because then I'd get to see you all the time."

Needless to say, I got a bit choked up. She is letting me love her.  With watery eyes, I looked down at her and said, "that would make me very happy, D."

As I sit here reflecting, I also think about the men and women I had the fortune of knowing at MK last year when I was a case manager. So many of them had walls up and reluctance to let anyone in, let alone a spunky, quirky little white girl from the Pacific Northwest who listened to "Call Me Maybe" on repeat in the dining room...but some of them did. Some of them took the plunge and actually let me love them and it's funny, but I realized the walls I had put up as well.

I realized that deep down, my idea of service or "loving thy neighbor" was very one-sided...I did all the loving and they had to just take it. But what good was that? What a silly way to think of relationships! Only once I equally let them in, and equally let them love me, was I able to able to fully love myself.

This brings me to how I want to approach others...strangers, tellers, bus drivers, roommates, "enemies" and my students. My little student, full of confusion and pain, let me in and likewise (judging by my tears currently) I let her in. The equal exchange of lowering walls and meeting each other, equally broken, equally flawed and equally pained opens the door to an incredible love that I have a hard time describing. An incredible love that makes life the amazing thing it is. What a beautiful little girl and what an amazing blessing I have in my life; just resting in the palm of my hand.

The lyrics are really beautiful:
"Let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Let me love you
I know your troubled
Don't be afraid, let me help"

(Yes, friends, the lyrics are from Ne-Yo - BUT there's an acoustic version by Travis Garland that is amazing  - plus Glee's version was wonderful too - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoIr-_-9GKM)

Magnificent

As I was sitting in class this week, many different feelings ran through my body. We are in week 24 of 39 weeks of school...which, if you're a math whiz you can figure out, is more than halfway through the year. Scary thought that in 14 weeks, it's summer break. More scary and more painful is that my kids will leave me.

It's funny because no matter who I am talking to, old, young, teacher, non-teacher, cashier, mailman, friend, family, acquaintance, etc. they always say something along the lines of: "wow, what an impact you're making on their little lives...they are lucky to have you."

In reality, I am so blessed to have them. Who else can say that they get to play dress up, kiss boo boos, laugh constantly at silly, absurd things, see changes and growth and a spark for learning ignite, on a daily basis. Friends, I get to do this.

This week, my favorite student, Tito, was talking to me during lunch (my favorite time during the day because there's no agenda or learning happening). We were talking about whatever, either singing Rihanna lyrics or having "Girl Talk" when he was suddenly taken by my scarf. He lifted up it's shimmery, light blue tassels at the end, and said, "Can I take this home?" I looked at him and said, "T, I can't give this to you. It was a gift from my sister; she'd be so mad!" Unphased, still mesmerized by the scarf, he lifted it up and whispered in awe, "it's just magnificent."

Big vocab word there. I certainly didn't teach him that. But the point being, I love the passing of knowledge from me to them but the thing that wakes me up every morning, the thing that keeps me excited to see them every day, is the small, little, silly things that light my heart with joy. Between them dancing the Cha Cha slide or Gangnam style or Soul Train (yes, we did this),  or saying the perfect thing at the right moment or just saying something so out there that it didn't make sense at all; it's all so magnificent.

 I had one friend help me read a book during lunch in front of the entire class. He helped me flip the pages as I read so he sat directly next to me while the other kids were on the carpet. About halfway through the book, he stood up and shoved his hand down his pants. (Graphic here, sorry, friends) Stunned, I looked at him and whispered, "what are you doing?" He point blank looked at me and sternly and loudly said, "I got to make sure my penis is still there!" (Duh, Ms. Katie...duh.)

Unpredictable. Undefined. Magnificent.

Coming full circle, they are going to move on to 1st grade next year. They won't be mine anymore. I think that is a major down side of teaching that never occurred to me before: they get older. As much as I have been to them and as much as I've taught them...they have blessed my life and given my life so much meaning. I laugh, I cry, I scratch my head but in the end, I love them and that is just... magnificent.

Valentine's Day: Not Just for Couples

It’s that time of year again; a time of loving, giving, forgiving, caring and sharing: it’s Valentine’s Day!

I am not a bitter, single lady nor have I ever been; but it does bother me a little that this wonderful holiday is usually reserved for those in romantic relationships.

I’m waiting for someone to call Hallmark or Lifetime and tell them: It’s a day of love…for everyone!

It’s a day of wonderful, beautiful, fantastic, LOVE and I think love is only wonderful when it’s shared with others; regardless of your relationship status. Love shared with mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, store clerks, bus drivers, teachers, doctors, kids, garbage people and homeless people. Love that should be given to all. As much as my unicorn and rainbow coated world would like for mankind to love all year around, I realize the magnitude of that request and the near impossibility of it. So I may just have to settle for one day out of the year…and I choose the day already dedicated to love…Valentine’s Day.

I am reminded of my favorite Mother Teresa quote: “I have learned the paradox: If I love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

It helps to remind me that I may not know where to or who to direct my love at but as long as I’m doing it (loving) with the fullest of my being, without relationship status or boundaries, than there can be no more hurt…only love.

So for this Valentine’s Day, I want to spread love in every direction – friends, family, strangers, significant others, kids, the elderly, orange, brown, pink or blue – because this world needs less hurt and what better day to begin alleviating that hurt than on Valentine’s Day?