"And although I know it's a long road back, I promise you I'll be home for Christmas."

***Song lyrics (in blog title) taken from "I'll Be Home for Christmas". I chose this song because after a long time away from home (Dec. 2009 was the last time I was back), I am spending Christmas with my family! I'm beyond excited and happy and moved by the graces God has bestowed unto me...I keep pinching myself to remember how fortunate I am for this chance to go home. So after a long trip back, I'll be home for Christmas.

*Saturday, Dec. 17th, 2011: I am grateful for the Christmas spirit and quality time spent with the people I've grown attached to here in DC...my community mates, Brittney, Cara and Colleen. Today we did 100% Christmas stuff...we went to the National Tree (that pathetic looking thing) and saw all the little state Christmas trees around it. Then, we listened to some festive Christmas music, walked to get hot cocoa and returned home. We had a yummy Christmas lasagna and laughed about Christmas traditions in our families. Then we had our "not-so" secret Santa gift exchange. I was really excited and pleasantly surprised by how thoughtful the gifts were for each other...each person got something that was very specific to their tastes/likes/dislikes/interests. It was great and I got a Woody doll (from Toy Story)! Then we watched "White Christmas" (my favorite Christmas movie). It was a wonderful day, jam packed with Christmas love and joy. I am so grateful for that time we got together today.



*Sunday, Dec. 18th, 2011: Today I am thankful for our spiritual liaison: Bill. He took us on our monthly field trip today and this time it was to the Russian Orthodox Cathedral in DC. We participated in the 3-hour long liturgy and ate authentic Russian food at their luncheon afterwards and then took a tour of the St. Nicholas Cathedral with a Russian Orthodox priest: Priest Valery Shemchuk (such a nice guy and such a great accent too)! We got an in-depth description of the different icons painted in their beautiful cathedral. It was striking and beautiful and so incredibly powerful. I loved every minute of it and am so thankful for the chance to be exposed to a completely different (yet, not so different) religion. Some pictures of the cathedral are shown below:





*Monday, Dec. 19th, 2011: Today I am grateful for many things: 1) Letters from old family and friends. I got a Christmas card from my grandparents, but also an old family friend (which was a complete surprise). They are so sweet and it was so good to hear from them and see how they're doing. 2) Miriam's Kitchen. This agency interviewed me yesterday for a possible JV position and it went really well. I really enjoyed the environment and the people and the activities. It was all such a blessing just to have a small peek into their day-to-day activities. 3) FREE bus fares! The bus driver didn't make me pay to ride the bus home today! WoOt! 4) Our community Christmas card! It's hilarious so I'm thankful for it...it's being sent out today, so get excited. 5) Phone calls from my parents that are ADD and chalk full of bouncing from one topic to the next! My parents called tonight and about three minutes into the conversation my mom says, "oh shoot, I forgot I was making dinner!" So she ran over to the boiling pot to fix whatever forgotten catastrophe she had created. So funny how incredibly distracted my family gets when we're excited about something (like an amazing daughter coming home for Christmas). Between the two of my parents, I'm not exactly certain if any plans were actually made...in fact, I think we jumped around so much that nothing was really concluded in the discussion...hahaha...I love that. So much to be grateful for today!

*Tuesday, Dec. 20th, 2011: Today I am grateful for the ability to leave early from my job. I really needed to get a lot of things done before heading home and my job is so fleeting and falling apart that I was given the opportunity to leave early and get -ish done. So I'm happy and grateful for that opportunity because most people don't get that time to make sure things are in order before traveling.

"Gentle Mother, Peaceful Dove, Teach us Wisdom; Teach us Love."

***Song lyrics (in blog title) taken from the song, "Hail Mary, Gentle Woman".

*Tuesday, Dec. 13th, 2011: Today was our baking party with DC - Le Droit Park! It was so much fun and such a good way to relax and enjoy each other's company. We baked gingerbread, sugar cookies, peanut butter and chocolate cookies and chocolate chip cookies. We decorated the sugar cookies and just laughed and enjoyed each other. It was fun to be silly and celebrate the season together. I want to hang out with them more often because they are such a good group of people. I am grateful for Le Droit today.



*Wednesday, Dec. 14th, 2011: Today I am grateful for supportive friends and the wise words of one particular friend. So I've been worried about finding a new placement and making the right choice instead of scrambling and grabbing at the first offer I get. I've been worried that I'd take a job that I didn't feel passionate about because of the time crunch I'm in. Well, I was expressing these concerns to my friend and he responded with a short and perfect reply, "Trust your heart and let it fall into place." In these crazy days of worry and concern, those words have been resonating and incredibly helpful to remember...I just need to trust my heart and let everything fall where it will. Thanks, friend.

*Thursday, Dec. 15th, 2011: Today was wonderful. I took a personal day to tour around DC with my friend from college, who was here for a business trip, and it was such a good reunion! We began our day at around 10:30am and ran around the National Mall, hitting up all the major monuments and goofing around like old times. At around 2pm, we had to part ways because I had to go on a field trip with a local Pre-K through 8th grade school. It was such a blessing to see him and hang out for those four hours! AND the field trip was a lot of fun. I forgot how funny kids were. These past few months of working with seniors has dimmed my "child-like" silliness and in one, single field trip, it was brought back. My local support person, who teaches at the school, and I took seven 6th-8th graders to a youth poetry slam and it was amazing. It was really fun and good to hear the poems the kids shared. Such a good day...I am grateful for today.

*Friday, Dec. 16th, 2011: I am grateful for blessings and random "perfect timing" moments. Today I got a call from my JVC supervisor telling me to contact a Jesuit school in DC about the possibility of me teaching there as a JV. He said someone just left their school and they need someone ASAP to fill the spot. I am hoping that this may be my new placement and possibly my new job after I leave JVC in August. I would be teaching 6th grade religion (oh goodness, that'll be a challenge) but I can adapt and learn and grow to love the class. Please pray for me and for the stars to line up perfectly that this works out!

"And I'll take with me the memories...It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday."

***Song (in blog title) taken from "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" by Boys 2 Men.

*Saturday, Dec. 10th, 2011: So much to be excited and grateful for today! Colleen, our friend, Ben, and I made our way up to Philly last night and spent the entire weekend tearing up the city of Philly. I had a blast today with Colleen, Ben, some FJVs and the Portland JVs as we climbed the Rocky steps, explored "Love Park", took sneaky pictures with black Santa and ate Philly Cheese steaks. I got to spend about an hour with my friend from college who I haven't seen in two years and that was amazing...just brought back old feelings and memories. Then, Colleen and I snuggled up and took a nap back at the apartment we were crashing at. THEN we made our way to the Philly JV party and that was a blasty blast for sure. Alie (my community mate from last year and the renter of the apartment we were crashing in) came and we got to hang out and laugh and just love up on each other...I realized in that time just how much I miss her. The party was a lot of fun...we got to see quite a number of the current JVs and that was a nice reunion. Today was a great day so I guess I am grateful for silliness, walking around Philly as tourists in a big group, funky dance moves and good friends.



*Sunday, Dec. 11th, 2011: Today I am grateful for road trips because most of the day was spent driving back to DC! We all jammed into the car and played silly 90's songs that took us back to our middle/junior high school days and then we found the epic song, "Show Me Your Bootyhole" (by Saosin --- Google it) on Ben's iPod and decided to take a gander at the magnificence of its lyricism. SO FUNNY! We were all so sleep deprived that it made for a wonderful road trip back to DC and I am grateful for Ben (for schlepping us around the entire weekend) and to my roadies (Colleen, Julie and Andy). We had a lot of senseless fun and I am grateful for that.

*Monday, Dec. 12th, 2011 Part 1: So it's my blog so I can decide to write it as I wish...so today I am grateful for two very, very different reasons. For part 1 (this part you're reading) I am grateful for two of my co-workers. Mr. Green and Mr. Wingo. Mr. Green is our maintenance guy and he is always making me smile. Today, I ran into him in the stairwell and he said, "shall we dance?" because we shuffled around, trying to get by each other and then he said something that is still making me smile: "To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left; to the right, to the right, to the right, to the right" AND he did the dance moves and everything (he was singing the "Cupid Shuffle"). I cracked up! He replied: "see, I know what you kids listen to!" I love him. Then, Mr. Wingo, our bus driver, popped his head into my office (as he does every day, just to check in on me) and he said, "Ms. Katie, you workin' so hard, you're making me tired." These men have time and time again put a smile on my face and I am grateful for them today.

*Monday, Dec. 12th, 2011 Part 2: So much to be grateful for today...another day of life is the easiest one for sure. The cat was let out of the bag this past weekend. The center I work for is closing its doors today. Today is the last day I will be laughing, joking, smiling, crying and dining with my 15 seniors. We are making the announcement at noon today and hope they find other places to go for fellowship and community. I am very saddened by all this because as miserable as I was with my agency, I didn't want it to end this way. I didn't want everything to fall apart; leaving me with no other choice but to leave, but that is the case. I guess it's as good a time as ever to inform ya'll that the 22nd will possibly be my last day at this agency as a JV. I am grateful for the amazing memories I will carry with me and the amazing senior ladies who brightened and challenged my life every day at work. They have taught me so much and made me appreciate my "youth" a lot. I am grateful for my JVC PC, my community, family and friends who have been praying and supporting me with finding other agencies for me to work for. Everyone has been so supportive that I am not really worried about finding another placement. So I guess this chapter is ending and another one has yet to be written, but I'm very grateful for my past four months with my center.

"It is the season of the heart. A special time of caring. The ways of love made clear."

***Song taken from "It Feels Like Christmas" from "A Muppet Christmas Carol".

*Wednesday, Dec. 7th, 2011: I am grateful for Christmas movies! I watched "A Christmas Carol" (the version with George C. Scott) tonight and was reminded of how incredibly pertinent its content and message still is today. There were many points during the film when I feel like Dickens wrote out a verbal social justice smack down on Scrooge and here is my favorite one...

Ghost of Christmas Present: "If these shadows remain unaltered by the future, none other of my species will find him [Tiny Tim] here. But if he is to die, then let him die...! 'AND DECREASE THE SURPLUS POPULATION!'"

Scrooge: "You use my own words against me?"

Ghost of Christmas Present: "Yes! So perhaps, in the future, you will hold your tongue until you have discovered where the surplus population is, and WHO it is. It may well be that, in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than MILLIONS like this poor man's child."

So many people talk about how welfare, social security, medicaid/medicare, food stamps and other government funded social programs need to be cut because "those" people using those programs are abusing those programs...my family was on food stamps for two years and my brother and I were on Medicaid for two years so this quote hits home to me because once we finally open our eyes and discover where the surplus population is, and WHO it is, than the doors of compassion and love can be opened for all human kind.

*Thursday, Dec. 8th, 2011: Today I am grateful for the Virgin Mary. After a crazy, intense, insane day at work (see my last post), I headed to Mass for the Immaculate Conception at St. Augustine's. As I walked to church, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. So many frazzled thoughts and ideas and concepts rolling around in my head. I was trying to sort out everything that had gone down at work today and couldn't wrap my mind around it all...then I got to St. Augs. I immediately saw my community mate, Brittney and as soon as I saw her, I just wanted to burst into tears. My heart hurt and my body was exhausted. She looked at me and I said, "I have a lot to tell you." I spent most of the before-Mass-time praying for strength, for understanding, for faith and for hope. Once Mass got under way, it was beautiful...it was exactly what I needed. The dimly lit church, barely illuminated the alter, but it made me focus more on the alter and the words of the priest, which were what I needed to hear. He talked about how Mary said "yes" and didn't ask why but "how" God was going to have her conceive His son. I felt Brittney's hand on my back and she began rubbing my back in support and I started crying...what a perfect answer to my prayers...God works in His own way and His own time and I am so grateful for Mass tonight and the gift of the Virgin Mother.

*Friday, Dec. 9th, 2011: Today I am grateful for so much/so many people. I am thankful for my mama, for her wise words and support; I am thankful for my community members, who rallied behind me and supported me yesterday and through this coming weekend; I am thankful for my support people with JVC, who have jumped on the ball with helping me during this crazy transition; I am thankful for my supervisor at Emmaus, who is constantly looking out for me; I am thankful for the Additional Year JV friends I made, who have been supportive and loving from all over the nation; I am thankful for this weekend and the chance to get away to Philly to see my love, Ms. Alie Muolo (community member from Bridgeport last year) and I am thankful for the many, many people God has sprinkled along my path in life thus far...they have proven to be compassionate and loving during these shady times I am experiencing right now...thank you.

Glimpses into Authentic Happiness

No "gratitude journal post" today...sorry. Just a few thoughts that have been weighing heavily on my heart, soul and mind.

I have been reflecting on this past weekend a lot because I just loved the time I spent with the other Additional Year Volunteers in Houston, TX so much and my heart can't help but feel heavy right now.

I was reading my brother's blog and he had a similar feeling and summed it up perfectly when he said:
"But for one weekend," [in the unlikeliest of places (Houston, TX)] "I remembered how to be happy, and what that feels like. I hope it will sustain me for the upcoming 3 weeks, and if not, I can be sustained by my fantastic roommates."

I'm not about to claim that these past 4 months have been without "happy" times because I'd be lying but I have to admit I have felt my spirits and my normally "cheery Katie-self" have been snuffed out. It took this past weekend to show me how very far I am from the Katie I used to be, the happy, always positive, goof-ball, who attempts to pole dance on the Metro's metal poles and tries to puff out her jacket to make her look pregnant like the posters she sees. I was talking with my community mates and couldn't fully articulate the feelings of loss I have. I feel like this past weekend showed me people who are enjoying their jobs and loving the work they're doing. This past weekend reminded me of how much I truly dislike my job and I deserve to be happy in my job...I am unhappy at my placement and all of my trouble-shooting, searching for my niche and bringing my gifts to the table cannot help revive this sinking ship I'm on.

I've been leaping from one milestone event or excursion to the next with the hopes that they distract me from the general stinkiness of my job. But how long can I do that for? I will eventually run out of events, run out of visitors, run out of holidays to look forward to and then I will have to be here, in this moment, at this place and face my disappointment. I don't expect this job to meet the same standard as my job last year (that wouldn't be fair) but my over-all personality and "Katie-ness" is being sacrificed for this job and I need to find a solution. This weekend reminded me of who I used to be and as my brother said, "I remembered how to be happy and what that feels like." I miss that...I miss being silly and goofy and happy, just happy. Pray for me and the possible changes that may be happening sooner rather than later.

So What We Volunteer, So What We Don't Sleep

***Song lyrics based off of the song, "Young, Wild & Free" by Wiz Khalifa. This weekend, my roommate would not stop singing and changing the lyrics to this song. It's a dumb song but I think it was the unspoken theme of the weekend.

*Friday, Dec. 2nd, 2011: I am grateful for JVC today because they paid for and organized for my house and and 15 other additional year volunteers across the nation to go to Houston, TX for the first ever national additional year JVC retreat. We left today in the wee hours of the morning to make our way to Houston and once we got there, we were greeted with big smiles and hugs. It was a great start to a wonderful weekend of getting to know other volunteers and meeting new friends.

*Saturday, Dec. 3rd, 2011: Today I am thankful for being silly and my terrible basketball skills. A few of the AY JVs decided to play some basketball while on retreat and I was terrible. It's nice to know that after a year of working with youth at a rec. facility, I still stink at basketball. We had a good time, sweating, beating up the only guy who decided to play with us and just laughing with each other.

*Sunday, Dec. 4th, 2011: Today I am thankful for fellowship and friendship. Tonight we played in a series of events called the "AY Competition of Champions". It was basically the JVC AY Olympics. The first round was three questions in which we (as a team) had to come up with song titles with the words: "Love", "You" and "Baby" in them. Then, we had a series of events (both physical and non physical) in which I may or may not have hurt my back trying to crab walk. Then, we had JVC trivia and finally, we had to define what or who God was. We tied for last place but we were striving to be compassionate competitors so we won in that game instead...hahaha. It was a ton of fun.

*Monday, Dec. 5th, 2011: I am grateful for this entire weekend. It was really nice to have time away from my job and to meet AYs from all over the US who are experiencing similar things to me. As we were all circled up in the gate at the airport, I looked around thinking, "gosh, I am so lucky to have this time with these incredible people." Each person I spent the weekend with made me excited to be a JV again and each of them made me proud to be part of the Ignatian family.



*Tuesday, Dec. 6th, 2011: Today I am grateful for Christmas music. I am currently playing it at work and it is helping speed up my time at work so much. Christmas music just has the ability to make my heart fill with joy and happiness! I love most (like 98%) of the music being played non-stop on this radio station. I am grateful for the gift of Christmas music and my co-workers for putting up with my festive Christmas bounciness throughout the day!

"We are stronger here together, than we could ever be alone. So hold on to me, don't you ever let me go."

***Song lyrics (in title of blog) taken from "Hold On" by Michael Buble. This song has been stuck in my head for the past three days and even though I am constantly listening to strictly Christmas music only, I can't get it out of my head...maybe that means something...hmmmm.

*Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2011: Today I am grateful for silent reflection and the prayer walk Colleen led our community in tonight. We began with a quiet reflection/journal writing for two different things: 1) Prayer Intentions for each of our populations we're serving - refugees, children, those in hospice care and senior citizens. 2) Prayer Intentions for each individual serving in those populations. After we journaled and reflected, Colleen led us to the Basilica, about a mile's walk from our house. Along the way, we stopped and prayed our intentions. First was on our porch, because our neighbor is a senior citizen and we prayed for seniors and me. Then, we started walking silently and then stopped on a street corner where a lot of neighborhood children play and we prayed for children and Colleen. Then we continued to walk silently and stopped at the hospital and prayed for those in hospice care and Brittney. Then, we continued walking again and about a block from the Basilica, we stopped at an overgrown area with trees and brush and we prayed for refugees and Cara. Then we walked to the Basilica and stopped in at "Mary's Garden" and had final reflection time independently and prayed for ourselves. I sat in front of Mary and a little pool of water and prayed; I prayed for inner peace and for God to give me the strength to let go - let go of Bridgeport, let go of my insecurities and my fears keeping me from being fully present in this year in DC. It was a wonderful night, a wonderful spirituality night and I am so grateful for that time we had as a community to pray together and for each other.



*Wednesday, Nov. 30, 2011: Today was a blessing; just a day full of blessings. I was apprehensive about going on a field trip with my seniors today to Wal-Mart because I have never been on a field trip with them and because they are a little cold and unwelcoming at times. The bus ride there was quiet and they didn't engage any of the conversations I tried to start with them so I just kept to myself for the rest of the ride there. Once we got to Wal-Mart, they sprinted from the bus to the store and just took off like rockets. I made my way around the store, looking at Christmas decorations and milling around to waste time. At 1pm we left the Wal-Mart to get some lunch and all the ladies were even more grumpy than they had been before (probably because they were hungry). So we made our way to the Old Country Buffet. Once lunch started and we all had our buffet selections, I sat down next to two ladies and tried to talk with them. One, was very talkative. We talked about Thanksgiving and cooking/baking. It was a really good lunch. Then we both snuck away to the dollar store to get a "few things". She and I tore up the dollar store, where I found some kick booty Christmas decorations and she found bags and bags of potato chips. Once we all loaded up on the bus again to get back to DC, the ladies were so chatty with me. They also wanted to pool their money together to give the bus driver a tip because he was staying on past his working hours was not going to be paid overtime or any time for that matter for being with us past 2pm. So they all chipped in some money and gave him it. Then, as I helped each one off the bus and into their respective homes (carrying their bags of loot along the way), one senior shoved $2 in my hand and when I tried to give it back she said, "no, please, please, just take it." Because the seniors I work with have very little money and save up their pennies for these field trips to the store, it was an honor to get that from her. Her face was so sincere and for the first time in DC, I felt love from one of my seniors. It was a good day and I am thankful to be here.

*Thursday, Dec. 1, 2011: Today I am thankful for the new senior aide we got. He is very helpful and has such a good attitude. Today has been crazy with so much insanity and glimpses into the ugly world of non-profit. So this new senior aide, with his big smile, his "no nonsense" work ethic and efficient style of doing things is the breath of fresh air we needed at our agency.