"Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be." -The Rainbow Connection, Kermit the Frog
I've had a few revelations and reflections lately that are helping to bring me back to me...or at least the person I want to be. This song came on my MP3 player this morning and it made me smile...it reminded me of the little person inside of me who believes in Kermit the Frog's words of imagination, dreaming big and living those imaginations and dreams out. As I wave at the 1/2 way point of my JV year while it passes by; I think back to why I joined JVC in the first place. I didn't just join so I could "make a difference" but I wanted to feel that difference. I wanted to be a witness to God on earth and be a friend to those who have very few. I wanted to dream and imagine big and act on that. I wanted to be part of that dream and spawn others to want to be part of that dream too.
I think in my year and a half as a JV, I have begun to lose that initial drive that brought me here. I have seen myself grow and change in good ways, but as I sit with the person I am now, I feel like I have forgotten about the Rainbow Connection. Between the huge battles I fight with my guests, seniors or children from last year or the stubborn co-workers, government employees or council members, I have gotten bogged down in the survival mode instead of the dreamer mode.
I think the important thing a JV brings to a non-profit is the dreamer mentality. The people or children we work with/for are caught in the survival mode of life (justifiably so) and it is a beautiful gift we offer as JVs to provide opportunities to dream. Some guests have been homeless for 20+ years, but I think it is the breath of fresh air a volunteer corps member brings to their lives that can help motivate them to end the chronic homelessness they've been experiencing.
I want to avoid burnout, not because I fear being tired or worn out, but because I fear the loss of the dreamer. I fear the bigger implications it may have on my guests. Once my inner dreamer dies, who is left to imagine and dream big? It is not just Kermit the Frog's mentality, but it should be mine as well...to at least strive to embrace and encourage that inner imaginier, dreamer and lover.
"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me." -The Rainbow Connection, Kermit the Frog
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Today's Lessons
Alright so today's lessons are brought to you by a 65-year-old man at my work who is currently homeless and originally from the Ivory Coast, I believe. He doesn't look 65, but he is and will remind you of how young he looks any chance he gets.
So today he told me three life lessons and told me I needed to put them in a book one day, but I need to quote him or else I would be a liar...his words, not mine.
The three bits of advice he wanted to bestow on such a "beautiful young woman" are:
1) Don't have kids.
2) Don't get married.
3) Don't be a hypocrite because it ages you.
I think the most important aspect of these is not just noting where he is coming from and his value system but also the last bit of advice. He didn't say, don't be a mean person or a liar or a thief or murderer or homeless person...he said hypocrite.
On reflection, I think about the hypocrisies in my life. Too many times I get caught up in the "they"...what are "they" doing? In what ways are "they" not meeting expectations? In what ways are "they" not pushing themselves enough? I noticed I put too much focus on the "they" and not enough on the unselfish "me". As I focus on others and their issues I take the focus off of me and the different ways I don't measure up. I think that's my hypocrisy. I work every day to help homeless men accept their failures and problem solve to rise above them and I fall short in taking that very same hard look in the mirror.
In being of service to others, I think I lose sight of looking at individuals and see the group. I look at the 150 men I work with and say, "alright, how can I cut down this line or assist many in an efficient way?" The service isn't found there, it helps, but it's not in the "how many can I cross of the help list" mindset; it's in the "how can I be fully present, and fully a friend, to this man right now?" My hypocrisy that is aging me can be found in my focus on treating the masses, instead of the individual, and in the "they" mentality...I am reminded of the last line in Mother Theresa's poem, "Anyway": "You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway."
So today he told me three life lessons and told me I needed to put them in a book one day, but I need to quote him or else I would be a liar...his words, not mine.
The three bits of advice he wanted to bestow on such a "beautiful young woman" are:
1) Don't have kids.
2) Don't get married.
3) Don't be a hypocrite because it ages you.
I think the most important aspect of these is not just noting where he is coming from and his value system but also the last bit of advice. He didn't say, don't be a mean person or a liar or a thief or murderer or homeless person...he said hypocrite.
On reflection, I think about the hypocrisies in my life. Too many times I get caught up in the "they"...what are "they" doing? In what ways are "they" not meeting expectations? In what ways are "they" not pushing themselves enough? I noticed I put too much focus on the "they" and not enough on the unselfish "me". As I focus on others and their issues I take the focus off of me and the different ways I don't measure up. I think that's my hypocrisy. I work every day to help homeless men accept their failures and problem solve to rise above them and I fall short in taking that very same hard look in the mirror.
In being of service to others, I think I lose sight of looking at individuals and see the group. I look at the 150 men I work with and say, "alright, how can I cut down this line or assist many in an efficient way?" The service isn't found there, it helps, but it's not in the "how many can I cross of the help list" mindset; it's in the "how can I be fully present, and fully a friend, to this man right now?" My hypocrisy that is aging me can be found in my focus on treating the masses, instead of the individual, and in the "they" mentality...I am reminded of the last line in Mother Theresa's poem, "Anyway": "You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway."
Saturday, February 11, 2012
"Let me tell you 'bout hard work. Building a bed out of a cardboard box."
Alright, I'm trying my hand at free writing about what's weighing heavily on my heart instead of providing small snip its of gratitude in my life. So bare with me!
This past week has been interesting because now that I have hit the one month mark of being at Miriam's Kitchen, I have gotten through the training and now can add my own flavor to the job. I can take what I've learned and what I know and need in bits and pieces of myself into it. I have learned:
-People need to want help in order to actually take advantage of help.
-Systems in place are unfair, unjust, unkind and unwilling to listen to the many who are struggling due to conditions and situations they didn't ask for or deserve
-Everyone, including myself, is looking for human interaction and longs for belonging and love
-People are resilient and unpredictable!
For the last "learned point" I think of all the guests I've met in these past four weeks. These four weeks have blown by so quickly that it's hard to truly sit, reflect and soak up everything and everyone I've met. I am reminded of a certain guest who time and time again surprises me (in both good and bad ways). He is always drunk (something I am sad about because I've never met this man sober so I wonder what he'd be like). His levels of drunken-ness vary from time to time and I've heard that he can get violent if he gets too bombed. But I digress, this man is an artist and although he doesn't think of himself as such, I see his talent and marvel that such an out-of-control human being can create such deep and touching artwork.
This man, usually draws landscapes, which is what I like to paint so I feel a common bond there. But he also does random word groupings and bridges in his work, the words are usually really powerful and reflective on his personal life choices and decisions. One day I was walking around the floor and stopped at him, I looked over his shoulder and saw he was sketching a road...it was entitled "The Road to Hell was Paved with..." In his work, he sketched a car (which I guess was him), driving smoothly, hitting bumps, choosing directions to take and eventually crashing once it got to the road sign that read "booze". I asked him, "is this your newest work?" He looked up at me and said with a very heavy slur, "yeah, you like it? I call it 'The Road to Hell is Paved With...well, paved with stupid choices." I asked him what part he thought best defined him right now and he said, "well, all of it. I feel like every morning I wake up is this road and I never know how it's going to end." This man has so much potential, he just can't do it...he just falls just short of where he needs to be, time and time again.
Later that week, I was being hit on repeatedly by the same guy, who can't take a hint and was making me really uncomfortable and my drunken art friend walked up and yelled at this Casanova, "Yo, man, you heard her...back off. Go sit down, man and leave her alone!" We don't like to encourage the guests to pick fights or anything, but it felt good to know that this man had my back and was looking out for me. Casanova ended up being kicked out of Miriam's that evening because he wouldn't leave me alone but this drunk art man surprised me again that day.
Finally, flash forward to 2/9. This drunk art friend of mine comes in, wayyyyy too drunk for his own good and can barely talk. He has a paper in his hand and when I ask him what it is he pulls it close to his chest and backs away saying, "what I'm about to show you is top secret. You and maybe three others are the only ones who know about this." He proceeded to show me the court documents from his trial he had skipped that day. He was found guilty of a pretty serious crime and sentenced to 90 of probation and a $50 fine. Now I knew why he was so hammered, he couldn't even hold a pencil.
This man has taught me a lot (as many of the men I work with have) but he displays the best example of how people simply are resilient and unpredictable. Just when I think I've seen him pull everything, or just when I think he's going to turn his life around, he surprises me and that truth is hard for me to grapple with. People are messy and their problems are even messier; but they are resilient and I take a little refuge in that.
***Song lyrics (in title of blog) taken from "Dear Mr. President" by Pink.
This past week has been interesting because now that I have hit the one month mark of being at Miriam's Kitchen, I have gotten through the training and now can add my own flavor to the job. I can take what I've learned and what I know and need in bits and pieces of myself into it. I have learned:
-People need to want help in order to actually take advantage of help.
-Systems in place are unfair, unjust, unkind and unwilling to listen to the many who are struggling due to conditions and situations they didn't ask for or deserve
-Everyone, including myself, is looking for human interaction and longs for belonging and love
-People are resilient and unpredictable!
For the last "learned point" I think of all the guests I've met in these past four weeks. These four weeks have blown by so quickly that it's hard to truly sit, reflect and soak up everything and everyone I've met. I am reminded of a certain guest who time and time again surprises me (in both good and bad ways). He is always drunk (something I am sad about because I've never met this man sober so I wonder what he'd be like). His levels of drunken-ness vary from time to time and I've heard that he can get violent if he gets too bombed. But I digress, this man is an artist and although he doesn't think of himself as such, I see his talent and marvel that such an out-of-control human being can create such deep and touching artwork.
This man, usually draws landscapes, which is what I like to paint so I feel a common bond there. But he also does random word groupings and bridges in his work, the words are usually really powerful and reflective on his personal life choices and decisions. One day I was walking around the floor and stopped at him, I looked over his shoulder and saw he was sketching a road...it was entitled "The Road to Hell was Paved with..." In his work, he sketched a car (which I guess was him), driving smoothly, hitting bumps, choosing directions to take and eventually crashing once it got to the road sign that read "booze". I asked him, "is this your newest work?" He looked up at me and said with a very heavy slur, "yeah, you like it? I call it 'The Road to Hell is Paved With...well, paved with stupid choices." I asked him what part he thought best defined him right now and he said, "well, all of it. I feel like every morning I wake up is this road and I never know how it's going to end." This man has so much potential, he just can't do it...he just falls just short of where he needs to be, time and time again.
Later that week, I was being hit on repeatedly by the same guy, who can't take a hint and was making me really uncomfortable and my drunken art friend walked up and yelled at this Casanova, "Yo, man, you heard her...back off. Go sit down, man and leave her alone!" We don't like to encourage the guests to pick fights or anything, but it felt good to know that this man had my back and was looking out for me. Casanova ended up being kicked out of Miriam's that evening because he wouldn't leave me alone but this drunk art man surprised me again that day.
Finally, flash forward to 2/9. This drunk art friend of mine comes in, wayyyyy too drunk for his own good and can barely talk. He has a paper in his hand and when I ask him what it is he pulls it close to his chest and backs away saying, "what I'm about to show you is top secret. You and maybe three others are the only ones who know about this." He proceeded to show me the court documents from his trial he had skipped that day. He was found guilty of a pretty serious crime and sentenced to 90 of probation and a $50 fine. Now I knew why he was so hammered, he couldn't even hold a pencil.
This man has taught me a lot (as many of the men I work with have) but he displays the best example of how people simply are resilient and unpredictable. Just when I think I've seen him pull everything, or just when I think he's going to turn his life around, he surprises me and that truth is hard for me to grapple with. People are messy and their problems are even messier; but they are resilient and I take a little refuge in that.
***Song lyrics (in title of blog) taken from "Dear Mr. President" by Pink.
Friday, February 3, 2012
"So we're okay, We're fine. I'm here to stop your crying."
***Song title (in blog title) taken from the song "The Power of Two" by the Indigo Girls.
*Thursday, Feb. 2nd, 2012: I love being there for people. I love being the one people rant to, complain to, share good news with, share any news with and this job at Miriam's has me being that for people. Sometimes I need to provide the nuts and bolts kind of services like a birth certificate or a DMV voucher or something, but a majority of the time I get to be a listener to our guest and that's my favorite part. I am grateful for listening. I am grateful for the opportunity to be that for my guests.
*Friday, Feb. 3rd, 2012: Had a roommate date with Britt tonight and was very thankful for that time to just relax and unwind after work. It was good to just walk around, enjoy $6 worth of frozen yogurt for each of us and just relax. We got to talk about everything under the sun and I am grateful for her friendship and just taking it easy tonight.
*Saturday, Feb. 4th, 2012: Today my community hung out with a Rabbi and got to attend a Bat-Mitzvah and prayer service! It was incredible. If I couldn't be Roman Catholic, I would easily be Jewish because the sense of love, community and tradition is incredible. Set aside my constant "Fiddler on the Roof" references, eating lunch and chatting with Rabbi George was wonderful and probably in my top five moments in DC thus far. I really enjoyed learning more about Judaism and I sat next to the Rabbi's wife at the three-hour-long service and she kept talking to me. It was wonderful because she kept explaining to me the points of the service and what we were singing and also rubbed me on the back when I started to cry during the Bat-Mitzvah. She whispered to me, "you're so sentimental and that's wonderful." I thoroughly enjoyed my time at the synagogue today and am grateful for that exposure and experience.
*Sunday, Feb. 5th, 2012: SUPER BOWL! I am thankful for the Giants and (ugh) the Patriots...because they brought Britt, Andy, Emily, Kathleen, Therese and I together to watch the BIG GAME at a bar and it was really fun. It was fun to hang out with them and to actually have a true die hard Giants fan to watch it with!
*Monday, Feb. 6th, 2012: I am grateful for realities reminding me that life isn't perfect and people don't always know how to help themselves. The guest I've been working with who is illiterate and has major barriers set up for himself came to me today and asked about the balance of his food stamps. Turns out, he has already spent all $200 of his food stamps for the month of February. I can lead a horse to water but I can't make him drink...I can set him up to succeed but at the end of the day, it is within his power to succeed. So now I am working with him on a budget plan for the month of March and hopefully he won't blow through his food stamps as quickly! Today, I am thankful for this reality check.
*Tuesday, Feb. 7th, 2012: I am thankful for the staff at Miriam's Kitchen and their sense of humor. The Annual Miri Awards were today and each staff person was awarded a silly award for their efforts as a staff person. I won the "New Girl" award for obvious reasons but the overall sense of love and friendship could be felt in the room and I am so grateful that God plopped me here. These people are incredible.
*Wednesday, Feb. 8th, 2012: Down time with my roommates and creating a kick butt gift for someone. So tonight Colleen and I spent around three hours compiling an amazing set of songs for a gift for someone. It was hilarious and a lot of fun going through ALL of my music, yes, that's 3,650 songs, and deciding which songs would be good for this CD. I am grateful for tonight and the silliness that resulted from hours of listening to all kinds of music.
*Thursday, Feb. 9th, 2012: As I sit here, in my office, waiting for the next bus to come...in 13 minutes, by the way, I can't help but marvel at the fact that I find a gratitude journal kinda silly now. I have so many things to be grateful for and LOVE my new job so much that the main purpose of my gratitude journal is kinda defeated now. I am grateful for a lot so this journal starts to become kind of repetitive. BUT today I am grateful for my gained knowledge. In just four short weeks I have learned so much at Miriam's Kitchen; not only about homelessness and my staff, but about myself as well. I belong here and it feels so good to finally be where I belong. I am grateful for that sense of belonging today.
***Side note: Because my days are better and just more life giving than they were in the past, this is going to be my last "Gratitude Journal" post. I am going to start posting stories, or really important revelations instead because that way, I can dive deeper into one important thing in my life instead of ten little things that I brush over quickly in these posts.
*Thursday, Feb. 2nd, 2012: I love being there for people. I love being the one people rant to, complain to, share good news with, share any news with and this job at Miriam's has me being that for people. Sometimes I need to provide the nuts and bolts kind of services like a birth certificate or a DMV voucher or something, but a majority of the time I get to be a listener to our guest and that's my favorite part. I am grateful for listening. I am grateful for the opportunity to be that for my guests.
*Friday, Feb. 3rd, 2012: Had a roommate date with Britt tonight and was very thankful for that time to just relax and unwind after work. It was good to just walk around, enjoy $6 worth of frozen yogurt for each of us and just relax. We got to talk about everything under the sun and I am grateful for her friendship and just taking it easy tonight.
*Saturday, Feb. 4th, 2012: Today my community hung out with a Rabbi and got to attend a Bat-Mitzvah and prayer service! It was incredible. If I couldn't be Roman Catholic, I would easily be Jewish because the sense of love, community and tradition is incredible. Set aside my constant "Fiddler on the Roof" references, eating lunch and chatting with Rabbi George was wonderful and probably in my top five moments in DC thus far. I really enjoyed learning more about Judaism and I sat next to the Rabbi's wife at the three-hour-long service and she kept talking to me. It was wonderful because she kept explaining to me the points of the service and what we were singing and also rubbed me on the back when I started to cry during the Bat-Mitzvah. She whispered to me, "you're so sentimental and that's wonderful." I thoroughly enjoyed my time at the synagogue today and am grateful for that exposure and experience.
*Sunday, Feb. 5th, 2012: SUPER BOWL! I am thankful for the Giants and (ugh) the Patriots...because they brought Britt, Andy, Emily, Kathleen, Therese and I together to watch the BIG GAME at a bar and it was really fun. It was fun to hang out with them and to actually have a true die hard Giants fan to watch it with!
*Monday, Feb. 6th, 2012: I am grateful for realities reminding me that life isn't perfect and people don't always know how to help themselves. The guest I've been working with who is illiterate and has major barriers set up for himself came to me today and asked about the balance of his food stamps. Turns out, he has already spent all $200 of his food stamps for the month of February. I can lead a horse to water but I can't make him drink...I can set him up to succeed but at the end of the day, it is within his power to succeed. So now I am working with him on a budget plan for the month of March and hopefully he won't blow through his food stamps as quickly! Today, I am thankful for this reality check.
*Tuesday, Feb. 7th, 2012: I am thankful for the staff at Miriam's Kitchen and their sense of humor. The Annual Miri Awards were today and each staff person was awarded a silly award for their efforts as a staff person. I won the "New Girl" award for obvious reasons but the overall sense of love and friendship could be felt in the room and I am so grateful that God plopped me here. These people are incredible.
*Wednesday, Feb. 8th, 2012: Down time with my roommates and creating a kick butt gift for someone. So tonight Colleen and I spent around three hours compiling an amazing set of songs for a gift for someone. It was hilarious and a lot of fun going through ALL of my music, yes, that's 3,650 songs, and deciding which songs would be good for this CD. I am grateful for tonight and the silliness that resulted from hours of listening to all kinds of music.
*Thursday, Feb. 9th, 2012: As I sit here, in my office, waiting for the next bus to come...in 13 minutes, by the way, I can't help but marvel at the fact that I find a gratitude journal kinda silly now. I have so many things to be grateful for and LOVE my new job so much that the main purpose of my gratitude journal is kinda defeated now. I am grateful for a lot so this journal starts to become kind of repetitive. BUT today I am grateful for my gained knowledge. In just four short weeks I have learned so much at Miriam's Kitchen; not only about homelessness and my staff, but about myself as well. I belong here and it feels so good to finally be where I belong. I am grateful for that sense of belonging today.
***Side note: Because my days are better and just more life giving than they were in the past, this is going to be my last "Gratitude Journal" post. I am going to start posting stories, or really important revelations instead because that way, I can dive deeper into one important thing in my life instead of ten little things that I brush over quickly in these posts.
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