Some Photos...

All of the new BPT ladies and me.



Feeding myself while Bridget gets comfy.









All of us, plus Loren from Camden (our sixth roommate/house boyfriend), bowling.








Photo Credit to Colleen because I basically stole all of them from her...all from Orientation.

"My sanity is inversely proportional to my expectations."

My mama is a wise woman and continues to amaze me with her brilliance and perfect timing. The above quote is what greeted my g-mail this morning...after all the stressing and freaking out and pity party-ness I've been throwing, my mama sent me that quote:

"My sanity is inversely proportional to my expectations."

I never try to come into situations with expectations because if I have none, than I can't be let down (sorry, for such a pessimistic thought). Last year, when I began JVC, my only expectation was that I was going where God needed me to be and the people I'd meet would make my world better. Simple enough and good enough that although it proved tricky at times, it was definitely met.

BUT this year, I guess I let my mind run away with my heart and my expectations got way too large or high for my own good. Nothing has really gone the way I wanted it to, but my own sanity (or lack there of) is a direct result of the high expectations I had of this year. It's only my second week and I expected things to be as amazing as I ended things at the Shehan...silly thought...what I am grateful for today is:

Wednesday, August 31, 2011: I am grateful for determination. I am grateful for the little voice inside of me, deep within the layers of expectations and doubt that is telling me that my efforts are for something greater than myself. I am grateful for my mama, who continues to remind me of why I started this whole roller-coaster ride of crazy volunteering in the first place. In the end, it's not about me...it's not even about my sanity...it's about me meeting the expectations of others that matter most; not my own selfish hopes. This year is here for me to provide to all around me, not just the poor and marginalized, but those I see on the bus, on my walk to the Washington Monument, in the grocery store, my co-workers and my housemates. It's about a collective sanity and the only expectation I can carry with that is to encourage growth and love of all. Thanks, mama.

Layin' it on Thick

Alright, so we've hit another rocky patch. I've come to another windy, scary, who knows where the hell it'll take me road and I feel like the true essence of why I began a gratitude journal shines through last night's happenings. Because nothing is official yet and decisions haven't been made yet, I have to be very murky about details...just know that things have gotten more...uh...interesting in the DC-Petworth home. Last night I got to speak with many people...including: Alie (a God send), my parents (always blessings), Kelsey Harrington (my first love) and Karitza (from my year in the BPT last year). All were encouraging and helpful; and all were so incredibly needed to push me through the crapiness of last night.

So for Tuesday, August 30th, 2011 I am grateful for: my family and friends support through last night and into this week. especially for Karitza for sending me the most motivating text messages ever...
1) "Keep being Katie-strong willed, kind hearted and sure of herself Katie!! You can move mountains."
2) "Reason, Season or Lifetime: People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant." -Unknown

The encouragement and love she specifically showed me last night has made it easier for me to get through this crappy lull in my life. I am searching for meaning, searching for passion, searching for the feeling of broken-ness I had last year and Karitza's words have helped me look inward and look to myself to find where my passions lie. The universe keeps laying it on thick but as Karitza's last text told me, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."

Gratitude Over the Weekend

Saturday, August 27, 2011: I was sitting in my bed, looking out my very muddied window, trying to see the smudged out street lamp from my bedroom and all I was thinking was: Thank God I am indoors. Hurricane Irene was hitting us dead on. It’s 11:30pm and she started tearing through DC at 2pm and just got angrier and angrier as she came through. We saw hard rain; basically sideways rain and winds went up to 65mph. My night was really laid back; one of my roommates and I went halvsises on a 18-pack of beer and we enjoyed that as we watched Irene’s wrath tear through Keefer Place. What I am most grateful for is my family and friends. They were non-stop texting me (almost every 30 minutes) to see if I was still alive. At first I was a little annoyed by it but then I realized that at least I have loved ones. There are many that don’t have people bugging them about whether they’re alive or not…they don’t have people checking in on them or asking them silly questions like: “do you have enough buckets?” I am grateful for the concern and love my family and friends have for me…Irene can’t tear that apart…she can try, but it’s gonna take more than a hurricane to break that up.

Sunday, August 28th, 2011: Today I am grateful for my safety and for the beauty I saw at the Basilica near Catholic University's campus. The Basilica reminded me of why I love my faith so much and why I need it so much. The different devotional chapels they have set up to the Virgin Mother is beautiful. They had one for every major nationality/ethnicity/race. One of my favorite chapels was the one for African heritage. It was a perfect size; very intimate so I felt like it was my private time with Mary. Another wonderful one was the Irish heritage one. It had a huge fountain in it and tall, tall ceilings. Lastly, the marble statue of Mary carrying Jesus after He's been crucified is in the actual church part of the Basilica. It hit me to the very core...although I hate the over-abundance of wealth dripping all over the place, it was a beautiful sight to behold. These three places/images hit me the hardest and struck me because they each reminded me of Mary's active role in my life...it was a reminder that I need to devote more time to her...because she loves me so very much.

Monday, August 29, 2011: Today I am grateful for knowledge. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from those around me. I learned today that come October 1st, I will be working with maybe six other people. My current supervisor hasn't told me directly yet that he is leaving, but it's pretty obvious to me that there just isn't a place for him once the big change to a different agency occurs and budget cuts happen. Therefore, I am grateful for the knowledge these people have taught me thus far. Also, I am grateful for the knowledge I am going to leech off of them before they all leave...because I am ignorant about senior issues, I am going to try and get as much from them before they peace out. I'm nervous for the change, because we have a staff of 15 right now and I've gotten to know my direct supervisor and another co-worker really well...but I know God has plans for me...and I'm grateful for that.

Continuing the Gratitude

Today, August 26th: God knows me and He knows how badly my heart longs for direct service and interaction with these seniors because He keeps having people invite me to help them with lunch service at the homes my agency oversees. So today I went with one of my co-workers to one of our residences to do lunch service and it was so fun...only ten seniors were eating lunch with us, so it wasn't too strenuous of an activity to serve them...that's not to say that it was lacking for entertaining moments...

I went over to a man, who looked about 70 years old and handed him a milk and a juice and he looked at me and said, "why thank you young lady. My name is *Willy Big Lovin' Mack and you can come up to my room anytime." I looked at him and laughed as I said, "you're welcome. My name is Katie and I appreciate the offer!" I then went to the other seniors and gave them their beverages. Then,I had to deliver their salads. So again, I walked up to Willy and handed him his salad and he said, "come on now. I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do; I'm gonna give you my number." I smiled and laughed again and continued delivering the salads around the room. Then, I had to deliver their actual meal...at this point I told my co-worker about Willy "Big Lovin'" Mack and she laughed and said, "yeah, that's the usual."

I walked up to him again, smiling because I was trying to predict what he was going to say and as I handed him his plate he pointed at the paper placemat and said, "I'm gonna write my number right here. Just for you. And I won't treat ya like no street girl either 'cause you so nice." Again, I laughed and from behind I heard my co-worker say, "Willy, you know no body wants yo number. Get off it." He smiled and I continued handing out the plates of food. Such a funny set of events and it made me appreciate the little interactions I have with people so much.

***Non-Gratitude Journal Entry: As we were about ready to leave, the major supervisor at that facility walked into the room and said, "Sorry, ya'll but I hate to interrupt but Miss _______ in room _____ just passed on." The people in the lunch room just said, "oh Miss _____. Oh OK. She been in bed for a while" and they kept eating. It was nothing to them. Death is such a reality to these people that it doesn't even phase them anymore. Willy looked at me and said, "well we all gots to go through it...you can't go around it, over it, under it...you gots to go through it." Such an interesting way to view death...hmmmm. It just made me think and made me look deeper into everything about aging. I've never thought about it to a deep extent because I'm 23 years old but being in this environment, surrounded by the inevitability of death just makes mortality jump to the front of my mind. I guess Willy's saying is good because it can apply to my second year as a volunteer as well: there will be difficult times, but I gotta get through them...I can't go around it, over it or under...just through it.

*Names have been changed for obvious reasons.

Gratitude Journal

For the past few months I've considered writing a Gratitude Journal. I feel like in the inner struggles I am having and am going to have in the future, it'll be important to remember the little things throughout my day that have made me smile or appreciate life. (just throwing this out there, I am not depressed or anything so don't you be worrin'!)

So I'm going to start with Tuesday, August 16th (move into DC day): I am grateful for safe travels an quality time spent with Laura, our local support person and her kids. She has such great insight.

Wednesday, August 17th: My roommates because they cleaned and killed and scrubbed so much of our house. We all bonded over making the house our own space.

Thursday, August 18th: Seeing three of the five agencies working with my Petworth community this year. But the take away memory is visiting Brittney's agency. She works at an AIDS hospice and as soon as I walked in I could feel the warmth, the love, the companionship. I got chills and whispered to Brit, "I think I'm going to cry." The walls are lined and the shelves are piled with picture upon picture of all those who have passed on, who were receiving care from her hospice home. It was a great luncheon and a wonderful reminder of why I do what I do.

Friday, August 19th: Seeing my agency. I got to see my facility, meet the staff and talk with a couple elderly patrons over lunch. It gave me a sense of relief to finally see where I'm going to be working. Also, having an "in" and being able to have a private Capital tour! So cool! And one last thing, the happy hour our local orientation coordinator put together for us at a local bar. It was a blast to see Sean Baird, Andrea Woods and some other FJVs from last year and to meet new ones! Also, hanging with the amazing Le Droit Park house (other JVC DC community) was a blast.

Saturday, August 20th: Walking around DC and chatting with my roommates. Getting more familiar with the area we live in and walking around Columbia Heights (although it's hard core been gentrified). It was interesting to see the affect and demographic change gentrification has had on this community.

Sunday, August 21st: Going to Mass with my roommate Colleen in Georgetown. It helped me appreciate humility and a simple lifestyle. I realized then and there that I don't think I will ever be able to live an extravagant lifestyle...it just makes me too uncomfortable.

Monday, August 22nd: First day of work at Emmaus. My boss took me around to our different service sites and I spoke with a few angry seniors about the issues they're finding and the hardships they're enduring. I got thrown into the social justice or injustice of the elderly...I had no clue what was coming to me, but it was great to be whapped over the head by these seniors. One man let me have it big time, saying things like: "You're young, you probably are part of the reason why I can't find work...you took my job. I wanna work. I want affordable housing and I want to provide for myself but there's nothing there for me. If I make too much, they take my Social Security away. If I make too little, I am homeless. Now how you gonna solve that, huh?" It was a wake up call.

Tuesday, August 23rd: I began my day like any other, but at the bus stop I was approached by an elderly man. I had watched this man wobble across the street with his cane and watched him sit down. After sitting down, he looked at me and said, "can you do me a favor?" I responded, "well I can try." He looked at me, very seriously, (I thought he was going to ask me for a dollar) but he said, "only you can do this for me." I smiled and said, "well, now the pressure is on!" He chuckled and said, "I want you to have the very best day you could possibly have." I smiled and laughed and said, "well, I will certainly try and you have the best day you can have too." That little interaction made my entire day brighter and better.

Wednesday, August 24th: It was such a slow day at work so I was grateful for time to relax, cool off, cook dinner and listen to music. It was a nice unwinding and private time for me to just chill.

Today, August 25th: I got my own business cards today! hahaha...but besides that, an elderly woman came in and asked me to book an eye appointment for her. For some reason, that 20 minute interaction made me feel so useful and needed (which is what I love to do). She was so grateful and so kind, I love her. In addition, I went and visited one of our service sites and served lunch to all the seniors there. FINALLY! Some direct service! I got to do an intake for an elderly woman and we laughed over how hard it was to find a good man now-a-days. She said, "I only want three things in life: a home, my faith and a husband. I got two of 'em!" I smiled and said, "oh gurl, don't you know it!" It was funny and I want more interactions like that.

So hopefully I'll be better at this as we go...who knows what tomorrow may bring...I mean, it is casual Friday at work!!! :)

Opportunities to Develop a New Passion

The transition has been an interesting one. I have been less than willing to look to the future and devote time and love to my current year of service...you could say that I'm stuck in the past. So going from Orientation to DC was interesting. I felt like we were on the go-go-go for so long that when work started on Monday, I couldn't believe I was in DC, at a job that was completely out of my comfort zone.

As all of you know, last year I dedicated my life to an incredible after-school program and summer camp program with incredible kids. I love and miss them dearly. I got so much joy from that job.

This year, I decided...this is important...I CHOSE to work with a different population because I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life dedicated to children. So I interviewed with three different agencies: Miriam's Kitchen (a soup kitchen/homeless case worker position), The Campaign for Youth Justice (an advocate for youth that have received life sentences) and Emmaus Services for the Aging (advocate for the elderly). I was placed with Emmaus.

I am excited to see where this path takes me, although I am concerned that I will be stumbling along the way because I have no clue how to even begin advocating for the elderly...I don't even know what issues the elderly are facing...so I'm excited to learn.

My first day was Monday and my boss decided to take me around to the different partner agencies Emmaus works with. We went to a homeless shelter and two apartment complexes designed for those 55 and older. At these places, we advertised an assessment that the District of Columbia is holding for the elderly to voice their concerns, opinions and thoughts about what they need from DC to better their lives. I had no idea how much hostility I would be met with. Many told me that they've tried to voice their opinions before and no one did anything for them so they were tired of trying. A few told me that I took their jobs and that's why they don't want to mess with anything I'd have to say. Some just were so fed up with all the bullsh*t that they vented to me about all the issues with affordable housing, job security, self-worth, value, the conditions of the facilities they live in, etc.

This was my learning experience. They ranted, vented, spilled their guts to me and I didn't know how to respond except by saying, I'm so sorry and I'm going to try my hardest to see what I can do; I appreciate your honesty. So I had a crash course in what the elderly are needing...I got thrown in there and I laugh because now I know...and I learned within the first two hours of being at Emmaus. God works in mysterious ways...hahaha...well, that's it for now. Loves!

Closing One Chapter...Writing Another...

Alright, well I can't promise that this post is going to cover everything because my mind is so jumbled right now that I don't know where to begin. BUT...I returned from my sister's wedding and Dis-Orientation for my last week of work in Bridgeport. Each day was a little sad because I kept thinking: "well, today is my last Monday." and "well, today is my last Tuesday." etc. But it was such a fantastic week of love and laughter. My last Tuesday at work was also my last field trip, which was a blasty blast! I got to go to the little kid water park with my favorite age group: 4-7 year olds. We had a lot of fun riding rides and getting soaked.

My kids reminded me of everything that is wonderful in our world...they helped me to see that out of the mud can come something beautiful. Because even though people just drive through Bridgeport and the entire state of Connecticut just overlooks the people scrambling to pick up the pieces in Bridgeport, these kids still had the capacity to love. I am so grateful to them and to my staff for showing me that where there is someone willing to love, there will always be someone wanting that love.

My roommates and I had our "last supper" of sorts on Wednesday night. We went out to Sushi and had some wine. When we returned home, we drank more wine and performed our own episode of "Drunk Cooking". It was really funny, even though the pancakes tasted like poop! Then we watched an episode of "Friends" and pulled our mattresses into the family room to do a sleep over. It was a good way to spend our last intentional time together.

Friday was a rough day. I had to excuse myself to my office multiple times because it was so rough. But the kids kept smiling at me and hugging me. During our awards ceremony at like 2pm, my supervisor called me down in front of 250 kids, plus their parents and thanked me for all I had done this year. She handed me a card and then the staff started egging me on to give a speech...I caved and gave a speech through tears and blubbering words. Then, at like 4pm, I was called into the kitchen, which I could've sworn was their opportunity to throw me in the pool, but they didn't. When I got to the kitchen, a cake and the entire staff was there. They sang and clapped and gave me another card and I looked over at my bestest staff friend, Terrell, and began crying. I've never felt that kind of pain before. Having the self-awareness enough to recognize that I would never get to have this year ever again...that this year was special and could never be duplicated...that fact broke my heart.

I left Bridgeport on Saturday, kicking and screaming and Alie drove me to Pre-Orientation. It was another difficult goodbye but she dropped me off, hugged me and she finally cried!!! Alie cried!!! It took all year for her to cry and she finally did!!! hahaha...

Anywho, I got to meet all my new housemates and learn about their placements. I live with four incredible women: Brittney was in Raleigh, NC last year; Bridget was in Juneau, AK last year; Colleen was in East LA last year and Cara was in Houston, TX last year. We each are doing a second year and we each have a passion for the year to come (which is so cool).

I want to explain how Orientation went and getting moved into DC but it's so scrambled at this point that it all seems like a blur to me. I guess at another point in time, I can address the transition because I'm still in the processing period of this experience. I guess I will leave you on this note: I started my first day today, had incredible social justice talks with a few elderly people I ran into today and am thinking I might just be able to love entirely and completely for another year. I'll keep you posted though...

It's My Last Monday in the BPT

I am super sad to report that today marks my last Monday in Bridgeport. I am so sad to leave and I was talking to my friend on the phone last night and her parting words were: "I hope your last week is wonderful and you don't get distracted by getting sad. Don't dwell in the leaving." She is so smart but it's been so hard...

I have had the best last two weeks: My sister got married in CA and we went on our final retreat with JVC. Both were great...Margaret's wedding was incredible. But they took a week and a half away from my kids, which makes me sad. I missed so much in two weeks. I missed kids getting kicked out or winning boy or girl of the week or councilor drama...hahaha...but I missed a lot. It was a sick comfort to receive texts from co-workers wondering when I was getting back because they missed me...that was sweet.

I guess I kinda felt obligated to write a post because it's my last Monday and I guess I have a case of the Mondays...but my mind is so jumbled up right now that I can't even focus to write something poignant or wise...sorry for this lame post and hopefully my next will be much better. Loves!