This is what I wrote at 2:45am at our Silent Retreat on April 29th - May 2nd during the Peace Vigil.
"Lord, I look around the room and candles seem to be flickering on every shelf, nook and cranny. A candle is a living metaphor. Tonight I look at these candles, which enable me to read and ignite an environment of serenity, and I see a child for each one – delicate, wavering, small, quiet, in need or simple things and, sadly, easily extinguished. Tonight, I look at these candles and see a sadness, a fear and I reflect on the reality that I cannot save every candle from going out.
In the Bible, it is written: Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name, welcomes me and anyone who welcomes me, welcomes not only me but the one who sent me” (Mk. 9:37).
I have many things to pray for and many things to be grateful for but tonight, in this hour, I am praying for children, for my children.
JVC and my past life experiences never could have prepared me for the realities I’ve seen over the past eight months. I knew I’d be uncomfortable and at times broken, but my kids have given me so much discomfort in opening their lives and their Truth to me.
I see starving six-year-olds; 2nd graders who read at a painfully slow, almost kindergarten level, rate; I see mouthy boys; girls looking for attention in the wrongest of ways; children throwing punches; not knowing the concept of sharing or caring; I see teachers who just want to be rid of this or that class; I see principals turn their heads and unintentionally ignore the failings of their schools; I see children desperately looking to be loved and I see their candles dwindling.
My roommate always says that it’s easy for people to rally behind children, to see the injustices in the faces of the little ones who are hurting. My question is then, is it more of an injustice if we all can feel the pain and oppression and do nothing about it? Is it more of an injustice if supporting it and seeing its validity is “easy” and we chose to stand aside and be indifferent?
I pray tonight for not only my kids at the Cardinal Shehan Center, but for all, all those near and far, who have no one to help nurture and cultivate their flames. Without investing in our tiniest of candles, our futures become darker and darker.
I pray for educators, administrators, law makers and parents, that they recognize that every child is a gift and every candle needs nourishment.
I pray for all JVs, but more specifically, those working with youth. Since it’s so “easy” to support causes relating to children, it is also very easy to feel disappointed, angry, helpless and discouraged by the oppressive systems in place. I ask for grace and faith for each JV and future JV to not give up and to continue to invest in the future light of our world. I’ve been struggling with the inevitability that come August, I will be gone; I will be leaving these beautiful children. These kids are lacking structure, people who are a constant support and people who believe in them and come August, I will leave; just like every other adult role model they’ve had. I pray for Anne – the JV who will be taking over for me – I pray for my staff and for my kids. I hope that they have, in some small way, felt touched and have felt God’s love through me. I hope they continue to feel it even after I’m gone and that Anne is so awesome that these kids won’t even remember who I am!
I pray for a greater devotion to love – in all forms – and compassion. I pray for educations reform, children and a greater societal value on each candle, the big and the small, the brightest and the dullest, the prettiest and the ugliest, the strongest and the weakest. I pray that no more candles extinguish and that no more candles get pushed aside. I pray that the Lord will only help them burn brighter and stronger every day and that more people become devoted to the “easy” cause of aiding in a radiant future.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, pray for us.
Mary, our Virgin Mother, pray for us.
All the saints and holy men and women, pray for us.
Amen.
Katie Conway
Bridgeport JVC ’10-‘11"
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Only God Knows...
I love my work. It is my refuge from the craziness of my house and the volunteer program I am a part of. My kids keep everything in perspective for me. They are gifts; every day with them is such a crazy, rambunctious and sometimes an irritating time but so worthwhile! I love them…I love being someone they trust and care about. It’s amazing how attached one gets to the little faces and smiles that pass through those heavy doors every day.
When thinking about it, my co-workers give me strength too. They make me smile, defend me, give me a hard time, challenge me, support me and it’s kind of like a second family. I really appreciate the relationships God has placed in my life and it’s taken until now to kind of realize the gift of my co-workers. My roommate, Alie works with people all over the age of 45 and my other roommate, Melissa works with two guys over the age of 40. So I am blessed to have people who keep me jazzed and excited to come to work.
There have been a number of times where I’ve felt homesick, frustrated or sad and my co-workers have unconsciously made me feel better. When I had a student tell me he hoped I died, Steve wanted to kick his butt. When I was feeling especially homesick, Karitza was there to invite me over to her house for dinner and to listen to me. When I needed to complain about life, Joe was there, either willing or not, to listen to me. When kids weren’t listening or paying attention to me and I am at my wits end, Brandon came up to me and said, “who’s not listening?” and then proceeded to yell at them to listen to me. When I needed to learn fly dance moves or new phrase like “What chu is?” Jasmyn and Daeshaun were there to help me fit in. When I was feeling frustrated with gym classes and wanted to give up, Courtney gave me countless pep talks. When I needed a good laugh, Terrell looked out the window, saw three wild turkeys and started making turkey noises out the window. When kids were driving me to my edge, Connie would give me a look that just read understanding and it was all I needed to keep pushing through. When I needed to learn how to salsa and needed the proper encouragement, Kathy was there with a smile and a drink in her hand. When I was just getting comfortable and feeling like I knew what I was doing, Carl was there to poke fun of me and bring me back down to Earth. Every morning, Robert greets me with a huge wave and a smile saying, “Good morning, Katie! How are you?” Bianchi has always been there with a smile and an invitation to go out with everyone from the moment I put on my Shehan staff shirt and Sarah is always there to listen to me and ask me how I’m doing. Each one of them has made me feel included, has comforted me, has been a friend to me and has been like a brother or sister to me. This year would’ve been ten times harder without them and I am so lucky to have spent the past 8 months with them.
August will be here before I know it. This makes me sad, like really sad, because of the awesome relationships I’ve made here. I’m finding it hard to think about the repercussions of working here: to some of these kids I am all they have…what happens when I turn out to leave, just like everyone else they know? In all reality, when will I ever be visiting Bridgeport again, I mean, seriously? It’s sad to think about…
I’ve been volunteering for eight months, which means I have been stirring the metaphorical pot of Katie’s emotions for eight months. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned how much happiness I get from feeling needed. I realized how much God has been pushing me (and I’ve been fighting) to work with children. I have learned how strong I am and how incredibly weak I am. I have been challenged to trust myself and defend myself and to not hide behind anything (because for a long time I had nothing out here to hide behind). I’ve taken for granted the relationships I have back home: with my mom, with my dad, with my siblings, with my closest friends and kindest acquaintances. I’ve realized how much easier the world is to take by storm when you are surrounded by a safe, loving and supportive bubble of people…when that’s gone, the world is a scarier and meaner place and it’s harder to stay positive. I think God knew what he was doing when he sent me to Bridgeport because He wanted me to feel this, to know what this is like so I could appreciate all those relationships that much more. I am a little nervous to begin this process again; to start from scratch and volunteer for another year in another strange city, without the safety net of the relationships that I have formed in Bridgeport or Bellingham, WA. I am afraid I will burn out, hate the work, hate the city and just want to give up…but being the Conway I am, I know that I will never quit what I start. I take comfort in knowing that when I first applied, I wasn’t sure about doing the program but I said, “God, if You want me to do this, I’ll get in and if You want me to move on and You think I can’t handle it, I won’t get in.” Well, I got in and His decision was made so I take relief in that. He’s driving the car…I’m a mere passenger and although I am going to miss the people I’ve met in Bridgeport a crap-load (it’s a legit measurement…on the metric scale, of course), people come in and out of our lives for different periods of time and only God knows why…only God knows why.
When thinking about it, my co-workers give me strength too. They make me smile, defend me, give me a hard time, challenge me, support me and it’s kind of like a second family. I really appreciate the relationships God has placed in my life and it’s taken until now to kind of realize the gift of my co-workers. My roommate, Alie works with people all over the age of 45 and my other roommate, Melissa works with two guys over the age of 40. So I am blessed to have people who keep me jazzed and excited to come to work.
There have been a number of times where I’ve felt homesick, frustrated or sad and my co-workers have unconsciously made me feel better. When I had a student tell me he hoped I died, Steve wanted to kick his butt. When I was feeling especially homesick, Karitza was there to invite me over to her house for dinner and to listen to me. When I needed to complain about life, Joe was there, either willing or not, to listen to me. When kids weren’t listening or paying attention to me and I am at my wits end, Brandon came up to me and said, “who’s not listening?” and then proceeded to yell at them to listen to me. When I needed to learn fly dance moves or new phrase like “What chu is?” Jasmyn and Daeshaun were there to help me fit in. When I was feeling frustrated with gym classes and wanted to give up, Courtney gave me countless pep talks. When I needed a good laugh, Terrell looked out the window, saw three wild turkeys and started making turkey noises out the window. When kids were driving me to my edge, Connie would give me a look that just read understanding and it was all I needed to keep pushing through. When I needed to learn how to salsa and needed the proper encouragement, Kathy was there with a smile and a drink in her hand. When I was just getting comfortable and feeling like I knew what I was doing, Carl was there to poke fun of me and bring me back down to Earth. Every morning, Robert greets me with a huge wave and a smile saying, “Good morning, Katie! How are you?” Bianchi has always been there with a smile and an invitation to go out with everyone from the moment I put on my Shehan staff shirt and Sarah is always there to listen to me and ask me how I’m doing. Each one of them has made me feel included, has comforted me, has been a friend to me and has been like a brother or sister to me. This year would’ve been ten times harder without them and I am so lucky to have spent the past 8 months with them.
August will be here before I know it. This makes me sad, like really sad, because of the awesome relationships I’ve made here. I’m finding it hard to think about the repercussions of working here: to some of these kids I am all they have…what happens when I turn out to leave, just like everyone else they know? In all reality, when will I ever be visiting Bridgeport again, I mean, seriously? It’s sad to think about…
I’ve been volunteering for eight months, which means I have been stirring the metaphorical pot of Katie’s emotions for eight months. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned how much happiness I get from feeling needed. I realized how much God has been pushing me (and I’ve been fighting) to work with children. I have learned how strong I am and how incredibly weak I am. I have been challenged to trust myself and defend myself and to not hide behind anything (because for a long time I had nothing out here to hide behind). I’ve taken for granted the relationships I have back home: with my mom, with my dad, with my siblings, with my closest friends and kindest acquaintances. I’ve realized how much easier the world is to take by storm when you are surrounded by a safe, loving and supportive bubble of people…when that’s gone, the world is a scarier and meaner place and it’s harder to stay positive. I think God knew what he was doing when he sent me to Bridgeport because He wanted me to feel this, to know what this is like so I could appreciate all those relationships that much more. I am a little nervous to begin this process again; to start from scratch and volunteer for another year in another strange city, without the safety net of the relationships that I have formed in Bridgeport or Bellingham, WA. I am afraid I will burn out, hate the work, hate the city and just want to give up…but being the Conway I am, I know that I will never quit what I start. I take comfort in knowing that when I first applied, I wasn’t sure about doing the program but I said, “God, if You want me to do this, I’ll get in and if You want me to move on and You think I can’t handle it, I won’t get in.” Well, I got in and His decision was made so I take relief in that. He’s driving the car…I’m a mere passenger and although I am going to miss the people I’ve met in Bridgeport a crap-load (it’s a legit measurement…on the metric scale, of course), people come in and out of our lives for different periods of time and only God knows why…only God knows why.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
A Few Things and More Little Blessings
First of all, I just wanted to take this opportunity to acknowledge the blessing that was this past weekend. I went on JVC East: North's Ignatian Spirituality Silent Retreat this past weekend and I went into it with an open mind and came out with it enriched and with a new perspective on life. It was a great weekend of tranquility, challenge and self-awareness. I loved the time I got to ponder the things in my life like being in DC next year, my job next year, my family, my friends, the relationships I've formed here (both unhealthy and healthy) and how all that relates to the plan God has in store for me. I will post again about these ramblings at a later time...my journal is half full now so I got to write a ton while on this retreat. Moving forward to what I am currently thinking about: my kids. I have more little blessing entries I want to post so I hope you enjoy reading about them!
*Kayla: This crazy six-year-old is off the wall. She’s beautiful but crazy. She’s always smiling her devilish, scheming smile and always doing bad things behind our backs. She’ll push other kids, cut in line, steal food and say mean things to the other kids. She’ll whine about other kids being mean when they tattle on her because she hopes you’ll listen to her and forget what the other kids had tattled about…she’s very clever and very sly.
*Dolly: Dolly is in kindergarten and she is a crier. When I say “crier” I mean she never stops crying. She cries because she wasn’t first in line, she cries that she didn’t get to play, she cries that the snack she wanted is all gone, she cries that the blue hula hoop she wanted isn’t the right color blue and she cries over EVERYTHING. I have never seen a child cry so much over nothing in my entire life. She doesn’t even know why she’s crying half the time. You ask her, “Dolly, why are you crying?” and she’ll just cry harder, for hours. She cried at least four times today within two hours. I can’t imagine having that many tears to shed.
*Brandy: Brandy is why we have a no more than two snack rule at my center. Brandy is seven and weighs as much as I do. She has the jolliest smile and the brightest eyes and shares with all the kids because she hates that kids go hungry. But when we tell her she can’t do something, she gets made for a second and won’t talk to anyone. Also, Brandy doesn’t fit into her clothes. It’s your usual Bridgeport case of a child growing too big for her clothes and parents can’t afford to buy bigger clothes so sadly, Brandy is busting (literally) out of her tops; her belly is always showing.
My favorite group is the 5-7 Boys group because I love them. They are so amazing and so funny. They also try my patience the most but I guess that's just how life goes. Here's a few of the boys that make my heart smile:
*Jacob: Jacob is in first grade and is the tiniest, little Asian boy I have ever seen...he's smaller than some of the Pre-K kids. He's got a high pitched voice and wears high water navy blue pants. He's smart as a whip but incredibly lazy. To get attention, he takes forever to do his homework so that one of the councilors has to sit with him to make sure he completes it. He can do it in five minutes but decides to take an hour just because he wants to be acknowledged so badly. Everyone thinks he's the cutest but until you spend every day with this little mischievous boy, you can't really offer an un-biased opinion. When I first met Jacob, he was trying to peer over the foosball table just enough to play the game. He was flipping the handles as hard as he could, screaming, "get outta my way, you foo!" He's ridiculous but I love him just the same.
Now I have my gym class here so I have to go...I will write more about the joys of my kids...loves!
*Kayla: This crazy six-year-old is off the wall. She’s beautiful but crazy. She’s always smiling her devilish, scheming smile and always doing bad things behind our backs. She’ll push other kids, cut in line, steal food and say mean things to the other kids. She’ll whine about other kids being mean when they tattle on her because she hopes you’ll listen to her and forget what the other kids had tattled about…she’s very clever and very sly.
*Dolly: Dolly is in kindergarten and she is a crier. When I say “crier” I mean she never stops crying. She cries because she wasn’t first in line, she cries that she didn’t get to play, she cries that the snack she wanted is all gone, she cries that the blue hula hoop she wanted isn’t the right color blue and she cries over EVERYTHING. I have never seen a child cry so much over nothing in my entire life. She doesn’t even know why she’s crying half the time. You ask her, “Dolly, why are you crying?” and she’ll just cry harder, for hours. She cried at least four times today within two hours. I can’t imagine having that many tears to shed.
*Brandy: Brandy is why we have a no more than two snack rule at my center. Brandy is seven and weighs as much as I do. She has the jolliest smile and the brightest eyes and shares with all the kids because she hates that kids go hungry. But when we tell her she can’t do something, she gets made for a second and won’t talk to anyone. Also, Brandy doesn’t fit into her clothes. It’s your usual Bridgeport case of a child growing too big for her clothes and parents can’t afford to buy bigger clothes so sadly, Brandy is busting (literally) out of her tops; her belly is always showing.
My favorite group is the 5-7 Boys group because I love them. They are so amazing and so funny. They also try my patience the most but I guess that's just how life goes. Here's a few of the boys that make my heart smile:
*Jacob: Jacob is in first grade and is the tiniest, little Asian boy I have ever seen...he's smaller than some of the Pre-K kids. He's got a high pitched voice and wears high water navy blue pants. He's smart as a whip but incredibly lazy. To get attention, he takes forever to do his homework so that one of the councilors has to sit with him to make sure he completes it. He can do it in five minutes but decides to take an hour just because he wants to be acknowledged so badly. Everyone thinks he's the cutest but until you spend every day with this little mischievous boy, you can't really offer an un-biased opinion. When I first met Jacob, he was trying to peer over the foosball table just enough to play the game. He was flipping the handles as hard as he could, screaming, "get outta my way, you foo!" He's ridiculous but I love him just the same.
Now I have my gym class here so I have to go...I will write more about the joys of my kids...loves!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)