"And although I know it's a long road back, I promise you I'll be home for Christmas."

***Song lyrics (in blog title) taken from "I'll Be Home for Christmas". I chose this song because after a long time away from home (Dec. 2009 was the last time I was back), I am spending Christmas with my family! I'm beyond excited and happy and moved by the graces God has bestowed unto me...I keep pinching myself to remember how fortunate I am for this chance to go home. So after a long trip back, I'll be home for Christmas.

*Saturday, Dec. 17th, 2011: I am grateful for the Christmas spirit and quality time spent with the people I've grown attached to here in DC...my community mates, Brittney, Cara and Colleen. Today we did 100% Christmas stuff...we went to the National Tree (that pathetic looking thing) and saw all the little state Christmas trees around it. Then, we listened to some festive Christmas music, walked to get hot cocoa and returned home. We had a yummy Christmas lasagna and laughed about Christmas traditions in our families. Then we had our "not-so" secret Santa gift exchange. I was really excited and pleasantly surprised by how thoughtful the gifts were for each other...each person got something that was very specific to their tastes/likes/dislikes/interests. It was great and I got a Woody doll (from Toy Story)! Then we watched "White Christmas" (my favorite Christmas movie). It was a wonderful day, jam packed with Christmas love and joy. I am so grateful for that time we got together today.



*Sunday, Dec. 18th, 2011: Today I am thankful for our spiritual liaison: Bill. He took us on our monthly field trip today and this time it was to the Russian Orthodox Cathedral in DC. We participated in the 3-hour long liturgy and ate authentic Russian food at their luncheon afterwards and then took a tour of the St. Nicholas Cathedral with a Russian Orthodox priest: Priest Valery Shemchuk (such a nice guy and such a great accent too)! We got an in-depth description of the different icons painted in their beautiful cathedral. It was striking and beautiful and so incredibly powerful. I loved every minute of it and am so thankful for the chance to be exposed to a completely different (yet, not so different) religion. Some pictures of the cathedral are shown below:





*Monday, Dec. 19th, 2011: Today I am grateful for many things: 1) Letters from old family and friends. I got a Christmas card from my grandparents, but also an old family friend (which was a complete surprise). They are so sweet and it was so good to hear from them and see how they're doing. 2) Miriam's Kitchen. This agency interviewed me yesterday for a possible JV position and it went really well. I really enjoyed the environment and the people and the activities. It was all such a blessing just to have a small peek into their day-to-day activities. 3) FREE bus fares! The bus driver didn't make me pay to ride the bus home today! WoOt! 4) Our community Christmas card! It's hilarious so I'm thankful for it...it's being sent out today, so get excited. 5) Phone calls from my parents that are ADD and chalk full of bouncing from one topic to the next! My parents called tonight and about three minutes into the conversation my mom says, "oh shoot, I forgot I was making dinner!" So she ran over to the boiling pot to fix whatever forgotten catastrophe she had created. So funny how incredibly distracted my family gets when we're excited about something (like an amazing daughter coming home for Christmas). Between the two of my parents, I'm not exactly certain if any plans were actually made...in fact, I think we jumped around so much that nothing was really concluded in the discussion...hahaha...I love that. So much to be grateful for today!

*Tuesday, Dec. 20th, 2011: Today I am grateful for the ability to leave early from my job. I really needed to get a lot of things done before heading home and my job is so fleeting and falling apart that I was given the opportunity to leave early and get -ish done. So I'm happy and grateful for that opportunity because most people don't get that time to make sure things are in order before traveling.

"Gentle Mother, Peaceful Dove, Teach us Wisdom; Teach us Love."

***Song lyrics (in blog title) taken from the song, "Hail Mary, Gentle Woman".

*Tuesday, Dec. 13th, 2011: Today was our baking party with DC - Le Droit Park! It was so much fun and such a good way to relax and enjoy each other's company. We baked gingerbread, sugar cookies, peanut butter and chocolate cookies and chocolate chip cookies. We decorated the sugar cookies and just laughed and enjoyed each other. It was fun to be silly and celebrate the season together. I want to hang out with them more often because they are such a good group of people. I am grateful for Le Droit today.



*Wednesday, Dec. 14th, 2011: Today I am grateful for supportive friends and the wise words of one particular friend. So I've been worried about finding a new placement and making the right choice instead of scrambling and grabbing at the first offer I get. I've been worried that I'd take a job that I didn't feel passionate about because of the time crunch I'm in. Well, I was expressing these concerns to my friend and he responded with a short and perfect reply, "Trust your heart and let it fall into place." In these crazy days of worry and concern, those words have been resonating and incredibly helpful to remember...I just need to trust my heart and let everything fall where it will. Thanks, friend.

*Thursday, Dec. 15th, 2011: Today was wonderful. I took a personal day to tour around DC with my friend from college, who was here for a business trip, and it was such a good reunion! We began our day at around 10:30am and ran around the National Mall, hitting up all the major monuments and goofing around like old times. At around 2pm, we had to part ways because I had to go on a field trip with a local Pre-K through 8th grade school. It was such a blessing to see him and hang out for those four hours! AND the field trip was a lot of fun. I forgot how funny kids were. These past few months of working with seniors has dimmed my "child-like" silliness and in one, single field trip, it was brought back. My local support person, who teaches at the school, and I took seven 6th-8th graders to a youth poetry slam and it was amazing. It was really fun and good to hear the poems the kids shared. Such a good day...I am grateful for today.

*Friday, Dec. 16th, 2011: I am grateful for blessings and random "perfect timing" moments. Today I got a call from my JVC supervisor telling me to contact a Jesuit school in DC about the possibility of me teaching there as a JV. He said someone just left their school and they need someone ASAP to fill the spot. I am hoping that this may be my new placement and possibly my new job after I leave JVC in August. I would be teaching 6th grade religion (oh goodness, that'll be a challenge) but I can adapt and learn and grow to love the class. Please pray for me and for the stars to line up perfectly that this works out!

"And I'll take with me the memories...It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday."

***Song (in blog title) taken from "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" by Boys 2 Men.

*Saturday, Dec. 10th, 2011: So much to be excited and grateful for today! Colleen, our friend, Ben, and I made our way up to Philly last night and spent the entire weekend tearing up the city of Philly. I had a blast today with Colleen, Ben, some FJVs and the Portland JVs as we climbed the Rocky steps, explored "Love Park", took sneaky pictures with black Santa and ate Philly Cheese steaks. I got to spend about an hour with my friend from college who I haven't seen in two years and that was amazing...just brought back old feelings and memories. Then, Colleen and I snuggled up and took a nap back at the apartment we were crashing at. THEN we made our way to the Philly JV party and that was a blasty blast for sure. Alie (my community mate from last year and the renter of the apartment we were crashing in) came and we got to hang out and laugh and just love up on each other...I realized in that time just how much I miss her. The party was a lot of fun...we got to see quite a number of the current JVs and that was a nice reunion. Today was a great day so I guess I am grateful for silliness, walking around Philly as tourists in a big group, funky dance moves and good friends.



*Sunday, Dec. 11th, 2011: Today I am grateful for road trips because most of the day was spent driving back to DC! We all jammed into the car and played silly 90's songs that took us back to our middle/junior high school days and then we found the epic song, "Show Me Your Bootyhole" (by Saosin --- Google it) on Ben's iPod and decided to take a gander at the magnificence of its lyricism. SO FUNNY! We were all so sleep deprived that it made for a wonderful road trip back to DC and I am grateful for Ben (for schlepping us around the entire weekend) and to my roadies (Colleen, Julie and Andy). We had a lot of senseless fun and I am grateful for that.

*Monday, Dec. 12th, 2011 Part 1: So it's my blog so I can decide to write it as I wish...so today I am grateful for two very, very different reasons. For part 1 (this part you're reading) I am grateful for two of my co-workers. Mr. Green and Mr. Wingo. Mr. Green is our maintenance guy and he is always making me smile. Today, I ran into him in the stairwell and he said, "shall we dance?" because we shuffled around, trying to get by each other and then he said something that is still making me smile: "To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left; to the right, to the right, to the right, to the right" AND he did the dance moves and everything (he was singing the "Cupid Shuffle"). I cracked up! He replied: "see, I know what you kids listen to!" I love him. Then, Mr. Wingo, our bus driver, popped his head into my office (as he does every day, just to check in on me) and he said, "Ms. Katie, you workin' so hard, you're making me tired." These men have time and time again put a smile on my face and I am grateful for them today.

*Monday, Dec. 12th, 2011 Part 2: So much to be grateful for today...another day of life is the easiest one for sure. The cat was let out of the bag this past weekend. The center I work for is closing its doors today. Today is the last day I will be laughing, joking, smiling, crying and dining with my 15 seniors. We are making the announcement at noon today and hope they find other places to go for fellowship and community. I am very saddened by all this because as miserable as I was with my agency, I didn't want it to end this way. I didn't want everything to fall apart; leaving me with no other choice but to leave, but that is the case. I guess it's as good a time as ever to inform ya'll that the 22nd will possibly be my last day at this agency as a JV. I am grateful for the amazing memories I will carry with me and the amazing senior ladies who brightened and challenged my life every day at work. They have taught me so much and made me appreciate my "youth" a lot. I am grateful for my JVC PC, my community, family and friends who have been praying and supporting me with finding other agencies for me to work for. Everyone has been so supportive that I am not really worried about finding another placement. So I guess this chapter is ending and another one has yet to be written, but I'm very grateful for my past four months with my center.

"It is the season of the heart. A special time of caring. The ways of love made clear."

***Song taken from "It Feels Like Christmas" from "A Muppet Christmas Carol".

*Wednesday, Dec. 7th, 2011: I am grateful for Christmas movies! I watched "A Christmas Carol" (the version with George C. Scott) tonight and was reminded of how incredibly pertinent its content and message still is today. There were many points during the film when I feel like Dickens wrote out a verbal social justice smack down on Scrooge and here is my favorite one...

Ghost of Christmas Present: "If these shadows remain unaltered by the future, none other of my species will find him [Tiny Tim] here. But if he is to die, then let him die...! 'AND DECREASE THE SURPLUS POPULATION!'"

Scrooge: "You use my own words against me?"

Ghost of Christmas Present: "Yes! So perhaps, in the future, you will hold your tongue until you have discovered where the surplus population is, and WHO it is. It may well be that, in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than MILLIONS like this poor man's child."

So many people talk about how welfare, social security, medicaid/medicare, food stamps and other government funded social programs need to be cut because "those" people using those programs are abusing those programs...my family was on food stamps for two years and my brother and I were on Medicaid for two years so this quote hits home to me because once we finally open our eyes and discover where the surplus population is, and WHO it is, than the doors of compassion and love can be opened for all human kind.

*Thursday, Dec. 8th, 2011: Today I am grateful for the Virgin Mary. After a crazy, intense, insane day at work (see my last post), I headed to Mass for the Immaculate Conception at St. Augustine's. As I walked to church, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. So many frazzled thoughts and ideas and concepts rolling around in my head. I was trying to sort out everything that had gone down at work today and couldn't wrap my mind around it all...then I got to St. Augs. I immediately saw my community mate, Brittney and as soon as I saw her, I just wanted to burst into tears. My heart hurt and my body was exhausted. She looked at me and I said, "I have a lot to tell you." I spent most of the before-Mass-time praying for strength, for understanding, for faith and for hope. Once Mass got under way, it was beautiful...it was exactly what I needed. The dimly lit church, barely illuminated the alter, but it made me focus more on the alter and the words of the priest, which were what I needed to hear. He talked about how Mary said "yes" and didn't ask why but "how" God was going to have her conceive His son. I felt Brittney's hand on my back and she began rubbing my back in support and I started crying...what a perfect answer to my prayers...God works in His own way and His own time and I am so grateful for Mass tonight and the gift of the Virgin Mother.

*Friday, Dec. 9th, 2011: Today I am grateful for so much/so many people. I am thankful for my mama, for her wise words and support; I am thankful for my community members, who rallied behind me and supported me yesterday and through this coming weekend; I am thankful for my support people with JVC, who have jumped on the ball with helping me during this crazy transition; I am thankful for my supervisor at Emmaus, who is constantly looking out for me; I am thankful for the Additional Year JV friends I made, who have been supportive and loving from all over the nation; I am thankful for this weekend and the chance to get away to Philly to see my love, Ms. Alie Muolo (community member from Bridgeport last year) and I am thankful for the many, many people God has sprinkled along my path in life thus far...they have proven to be compassionate and loving during these shady times I am experiencing right now...thank you.

Glimpses into Authentic Happiness

No "gratitude journal post" today...sorry. Just a few thoughts that have been weighing heavily on my heart, soul and mind.

I have been reflecting on this past weekend a lot because I just loved the time I spent with the other Additional Year Volunteers in Houston, TX so much and my heart can't help but feel heavy right now.

I was reading my brother's blog and he had a similar feeling and summed it up perfectly when he said:
"But for one weekend," [in the unlikeliest of places (Houston, TX)] "I remembered how to be happy, and what that feels like. I hope it will sustain me for the upcoming 3 weeks, and if not, I can be sustained by my fantastic roommates."

I'm not about to claim that these past 4 months have been without "happy" times because I'd be lying but I have to admit I have felt my spirits and my normally "cheery Katie-self" have been snuffed out. It took this past weekend to show me how very far I am from the Katie I used to be, the happy, always positive, goof-ball, who attempts to pole dance on the Metro's metal poles and tries to puff out her jacket to make her look pregnant like the posters she sees. I was talking with my community mates and couldn't fully articulate the feelings of loss I have. I feel like this past weekend showed me people who are enjoying their jobs and loving the work they're doing. This past weekend reminded me of how much I truly dislike my job and I deserve to be happy in my job...I am unhappy at my placement and all of my trouble-shooting, searching for my niche and bringing my gifts to the table cannot help revive this sinking ship I'm on.

I've been leaping from one milestone event or excursion to the next with the hopes that they distract me from the general stinkiness of my job. But how long can I do that for? I will eventually run out of events, run out of visitors, run out of holidays to look forward to and then I will have to be here, in this moment, at this place and face my disappointment. I don't expect this job to meet the same standard as my job last year (that wouldn't be fair) but my over-all personality and "Katie-ness" is being sacrificed for this job and I need to find a solution. This weekend reminded me of who I used to be and as my brother said, "I remembered how to be happy and what that feels like." I miss that...I miss being silly and goofy and happy, just happy. Pray for me and the possible changes that may be happening sooner rather than later.

So What We Volunteer, So What We Don't Sleep

***Song lyrics based off of the song, "Young, Wild & Free" by Wiz Khalifa. This weekend, my roommate would not stop singing and changing the lyrics to this song. It's a dumb song but I think it was the unspoken theme of the weekend.

*Friday, Dec. 2nd, 2011: I am grateful for JVC today because they paid for and organized for my house and and 15 other additional year volunteers across the nation to go to Houston, TX for the first ever national additional year JVC retreat. We left today in the wee hours of the morning to make our way to Houston and once we got there, we were greeted with big smiles and hugs. It was a great start to a wonderful weekend of getting to know other volunteers and meeting new friends.

*Saturday, Dec. 3rd, 2011: Today I am thankful for being silly and my terrible basketball skills. A few of the AY JVs decided to play some basketball while on retreat and I was terrible. It's nice to know that after a year of working with youth at a rec. facility, I still stink at basketball. We had a good time, sweating, beating up the only guy who decided to play with us and just laughing with each other.

*Sunday, Dec. 4th, 2011: Today I am thankful for fellowship and friendship. Tonight we played in a series of events called the "AY Competition of Champions". It was basically the JVC AY Olympics. The first round was three questions in which we (as a team) had to come up with song titles with the words: "Love", "You" and "Baby" in them. Then, we had a series of events (both physical and non physical) in which I may or may not have hurt my back trying to crab walk. Then, we had JVC trivia and finally, we had to define what or who God was. We tied for last place but we were striving to be compassionate competitors so we won in that game instead...hahaha. It was a ton of fun.

*Monday, Dec. 5th, 2011: I am grateful for this entire weekend. It was really nice to have time away from my job and to meet AYs from all over the US who are experiencing similar things to me. As we were all circled up in the gate at the airport, I looked around thinking, "gosh, I am so lucky to have this time with these incredible people." Each person I spent the weekend with made me excited to be a JV again and each of them made me proud to be part of the Ignatian family.



*Tuesday, Dec. 6th, 2011: Today I am grateful for Christmas music. I am currently playing it at work and it is helping speed up my time at work so much. Christmas music just has the ability to make my heart fill with joy and happiness! I love most (like 98%) of the music being played non-stop on this radio station. I am grateful for the gift of Christmas music and my co-workers for putting up with my festive Christmas bounciness throughout the day!

"We are stronger here together, than we could ever be alone. So hold on to me, don't you ever let me go."

***Song lyrics (in title of blog) taken from "Hold On" by Michael Buble. This song has been stuck in my head for the past three days and even though I am constantly listening to strictly Christmas music only, I can't get it out of my head...maybe that means something...hmmmm.

*Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2011: Today I am grateful for silent reflection and the prayer walk Colleen led our community in tonight. We began with a quiet reflection/journal writing for two different things: 1) Prayer Intentions for each of our populations we're serving - refugees, children, those in hospice care and senior citizens. 2) Prayer Intentions for each individual serving in those populations. After we journaled and reflected, Colleen led us to the Basilica, about a mile's walk from our house. Along the way, we stopped and prayed our intentions. First was on our porch, because our neighbor is a senior citizen and we prayed for seniors and me. Then, we started walking silently and then stopped on a street corner where a lot of neighborhood children play and we prayed for children and Colleen. Then we continued to walk silently and stopped at the hospital and prayed for those in hospice care and Brittney. Then, we continued walking again and about a block from the Basilica, we stopped at an overgrown area with trees and brush and we prayed for refugees and Cara. Then we walked to the Basilica and stopped in at "Mary's Garden" and had final reflection time independently and prayed for ourselves. I sat in front of Mary and a little pool of water and prayed; I prayed for inner peace and for God to give me the strength to let go - let go of Bridgeport, let go of my insecurities and my fears keeping me from being fully present in this year in DC. It was a wonderful night, a wonderful spirituality night and I am so grateful for that time we had as a community to pray together and for each other.



*Wednesday, Nov. 30, 2011: Today was a blessing; just a day full of blessings. I was apprehensive about going on a field trip with my seniors today to Wal-Mart because I have never been on a field trip with them and because they are a little cold and unwelcoming at times. The bus ride there was quiet and they didn't engage any of the conversations I tried to start with them so I just kept to myself for the rest of the ride there. Once we got to Wal-Mart, they sprinted from the bus to the store and just took off like rockets. I made my way around the store, looking at Christmas decorations and milling around to waste time. At 1pm we left the Wal-Mart to get some lunch and all the ladies were even more grumpy than they had been before (probably because they were hungry). So we made our way to the Old Country Buffet. Once lunch started and we all had our buffet selections, I sat down next to two ladies and tried to talk with them. One, was very talkative. We talked about Thanksgiving and cooking/baking. It was a really good lunch. Then we both snuck away to the dollar store to get a "few things". She and I tore up the dollar store, where I found some kick booty Christmas decorations and she found bags and bags of potato chips. Once we all loaded up on the bus again to get back to DC, the ladies were so chatty with me. They also wanted to pool their money together to give the bus driver a tip because he was staying on past his working hours was not going to be paid overtime or any time for that matter for being with us past 2pm. So they all chipped in some money and gave him it. Then, as I helped each one off the bus and into their respective homes (carrying their bags of loot along the way), one senior shoved $2 in my hand and when I tried to give it back she said, "no, please, please, just take it." Because the seniors I work with have very little money and save up their pennies for these field trips to the store, it was an honor to get that from her. Her face was so sincere and for the first time in DC, I felt love from one of my seniors. It was a good day and I am thankful to be here.

*Thursday, Dec. 1, 2011: Today I am thankful for the new senior aide we got. He is very helpful and has such a good attitude. Today has been crazy with so much insanity and glimpses into the ugly world of non-profit. So this new senior aide, with his big smile, his "no nonsense" work ethic and efficient style of doing things is the breath of fresh air we needed at our agency.

Home for the holidays, I believe I've missed each and every face. Please celebrate me home.

***Song lyrics (in title of blog) taken from "Celebrate Me Home" by Kenny Loggins.

*Saturday, Nov. 19, 2011: So today I am thankful for two things, one being my first meeting with my potential spiritual adviser. She was very quiet and reserved and I'm pretty sure she didn't get my sense of humor so it's going to be an interesting year with her but she helped me talk about God and where I see Him in my life (a conversation I haven't had in a while) so that was a blessing I am grateful for. Then, one of the Syracuse JVs couldn't get enough of DC from his visit last weekend and was back this weekend for a trip with his agency. I met up with him in the afternoon, we had lunch and then went to the ever uplifting Holocaust museum. It was nice to spend a day being a tourist and getting to know a friend better at the same time. So I am grateful for two very different but good interactions with two very different personalities.

*Sunday, Nov. 20, 2011: So today Brittney and I got up early (like 8am) and went to the 10 o'clock Mass at St. Augustine's. It was a really good Mass and more importantly, a really good time spent with Brittney, just talking about everything. I realized in those three hours we spent together that I haven't gotten to spend one-on-one time with her in a while so I'm grateful for that time we got to spend together today.

*Monday, Nov. 21, 2011: Tonight we did our community Thanksgiving. We cooked mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, corn, biscuits, stuffing, turkey deli meat (lovin' the simple living), wine and pumpkin pie. It was yummy for sure! Then we all went around the table and talked about what we were thankful for in the past year and we each shared and reflected on how much has changed in a year in our lives. It was a really good night of good food and good company. The thing I think I am most thankful for this year is my new perspective and definition of the word "family". I have loving families in Meridian, ID; Bellingham, WA; Sparta, NJ; Bridgeport, CT and Washington DC. This past year has given me, more than ever, a new grasp on the idea of "family" and as difficult as it is to have my family continue to grow, it's also comforting to know that love is coming in from all over the U.S.

*Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2011: OK the development guy at work has been such a blessing during this Thanksgiving holiday meal delivery thing for Thanksgiving Day. He and I have basically planned the entire thing. He has been such a help with technology and just filling in where ever I needed him to be. Today was my last day at work before going up north for Thanksgiving and it was so chaotic, but productive. I don't think it would've been half as productive of a day as it was if it wasn't for him. So I am thankful for him today. AND my brother visits tonight so I am super duper excited to spend 12 hours with him!!!

*Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2011: So Colleen's brother gave us a ride to Connecticut today and braved the dreaded holiday traffic. It wasn't too bad but I am thankful for his willingness to drive our behinds the 5 and 1/2 hours up to CT for the holiday. It was a fun ride, full of silliness and music and laughter. What could've been a stressful drive turned out to be quite fun so I am thankful for that today.

*Thursday, Nov. 24, 2011: It's THANKSGIVING DAY!!! The best little moment I want to report among the incredible loveliness of just being in the BPT again is little 3-year-old, Kaylah. I spent the Thanksgiving holiday with the woman who was my second mom last year, Karitza. She has always been an incredible sense of strength for me and I love her and her family so much. So her daughter, Kaylah is a sassy love bug who talks and talks and talks. I LOVE HER. This morning I was awoken at 8am by the little pitter patter of feet and her climbing into bed with me. She whispered, "good morning, sister. Are you sleeping?" I just smiled and grunted and she said, "you sleeping, sister?" I said, "no, love, I am awake. What's up?" She said, "no, you still sleeping. I am making you coffee." She proceeded to crawl out of bed and run over to her mini kitchen set and she began making clacking noises and moments later she returned with a plastic mini mug and said, "drink your coffee." I drank the invisible liquid and she climbed back into bed with me. That was my Thanksgiving morning...how lucky am I? It only got better and better as we went around to Karitza's family's houses, eating and laughing all day. I even got to be reunited with some of my Shehan Center kids. I am beyond grateful for today and the many blessings God has bestowed onto me.

*Friday, Nov. 25, 2011: So today was a lazy day. Karitza and I watched 5 hours worth of "American Horror Story" (so good and addicting, by the way) in our PJs. It was a lot of fun just being lazy. Then, around 8pm, I headed over to my friend's place where a party later unfolded. I got to see a few of my old Shehan Center co-workers and that was wonderful. Connie, Bianchi, Steve, Sarah, Mrowka, Brandon and DJ were all there and it was a lot of fun to see them and laugh with them again. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I was with them again. I am grateful for all of them today because they are such an incredible group of people.

*Saturday, Nov. 26, 2011: So tonight I went to my old house, the JVC Bridgeport house, and hung out with the JVC BPT gals. They were so hospitable and fun to chat with. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with them and then my old local support people came over and it was glorious to reunite with them again. THEN, if things couldn't get better, one of my best buds from last year, Mr. T, swung by and visited. Hugging him was so emotional...I didn't want to let go of "Big Belly, Relly". I missed him so much. His jokes, his laugh, his silliness and just the banter we had back and forth with one another. I missed that. It was fun to have all the people I missed and my new friends under one roof, just hanging out. I am grateful for that time I got to spend with all of them.

*Sunday, Nov. 27, 2011: So today was hard...really hard. My trip to the BPT is bitter-sweet because it was incredible and now I have to go back to DC. It's hard leaving a place that is home, for a place that isn't. I was a Debbie Downer the entire way home today because my heart was hurting. It's like all the progress I had made in moving on and looking at DC as my new home was lost in my visit to the BPT. All my homesickness for the BPT has unearthed itself once again and now I get to deal with that emotion for the next week! YAY! But on the positive side of things, I am grateful for my time in Bridgeport. I got to see a lot of wonderful human beings, who I love very much and I am grateful for my time with them. Karitza dropped me off today and said, "Katie, I am always thinking of you, you will always have a home here and I love you." Those parting words made me break down but also gave me strength to keep on chuggin' along. So I am very grateful for my BPT trip for Thanksgiving, as hard as it is to leave them.

*Monday, Nov. 28, 2011: I am back at Emmaus today and waiting for me was a voicemail. I have begun to dread the red light that pops up on my phone when I have a voicemail. So I put off listening to it until around 10am. When I listened to it, it was left for me at 6:45pm on Thanksgiving Day and it was a senior calling me specifically to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. That was it, he just called to say he was thankful for all my work at Emmaus and wanted to wish me a wonderful holiday. What a sweetheart. I am thankful for him today and his kindness.

This one's for you and me, living out our dreams. We're all right where we should be.

***Song lyrics (in blog title) from "Lighters" by Bruno Mars feat. Eminem

*Thursday, Nov. 17, 2011: I am sick...it's not a fun cold either...although not many are but the good in today was getting time to take care of myself. I woke up at 7am and felt like poop, so I took a shower with the hopes that I'd feel better afterward...no such luck. So I called into work and told them that I was coming in late so I could rest up. I made it into work at 11am and they told me to go home but I didn't because my JVC supervisor was visiting that day so I had to stay...plus I had TONS of -ish to get done. So I met with my JVC guy, my Executive Director and gave my JVC dude a tour. At around 2pm he left and at 3pm my co-workers forced me to go home. I slept from 3:30pm until 7:30pm and could've slept longer. My community mate came in and started taking care of me with drugs, water and asking how I was feeling. When I made my way downstairs for community dinner, she served me food and kept taking care of me...I was totally out of it. BUT the highlight of the night besides having community members who cared for me; was the meeting we had with our JVC supervisor. He detailed things we need to work on, opened the floor for comments and differing perspectives and just created a positive space for us to communicate and we talked about a lot of really great things and I feel so good about my community now. It's really good. So although I feel like poop; my heart feels full and healthy (quite the opposite of poop, actually). I am thankful for my JVC supervisor's visit with us this week.

*Friday, Nov. 18, 2011: Today I am grateful the project my agency has plopped in my lap and a certain social worker who has given me perspective. I got off the phone with a social worker today and she and I have been calling each other back and forth for a while and she ended this most recent conversation with, "aren't you lucky? You get to play Santa this year!" That perspective made me proud, happy and just excited. I get to play Santa and offer something which may seem minute and small to me, to these homebound seniors who really have nothing else during these holidays it means the world to them. I get to play Santa this holiday season, and that's a perspective I never thought of...I had been looking at the names and making my list (and checking it twice) purely to reach our goal number of seniors, not really taking stalk in the fact that me playing Santa to them will help make the holidays better and less lonely for them. I am grateful for that social worker today.

To Life, To Life, L'chaim

*Wednesday, Nov. 16, 2011: I hate posting so closely between entries, but today, I was shaken to my core. Today I am so incredibly grateful for life. At 2pm, I walked upstairs to the computer lab to kick out the remaining seniors using our computers and close the lab for the day. For the past few days I've been closing the lab at 2pm and then defragging and installing/updating new programs for our computers. So at around 2:30pm I head back downstairs, having "fixed" one computer in our lab and as I rounded the last set of stairs I was met by a woman frantic and balling her eyes out. She was mumbling about a gunman and money and robbery. I grabbed her and went into the lofted part of our offices and we locked all the doors and called our receptionist called the police.

*Our building has an interesting layout. The basement houses a few Emmaus offices and our "Feast for All" food pantry; as well as a privately owned, small copying and printing business. This woman worked in the copying/printing business. My office is on the floor just above hers and the stairwell I found her in is what links our two agencies.

So anyway, we waited for the police to arrive and for about an hour and a half we sat. I said very little; I guess I didn't really know what OK to say. I just kept saying to her, "at least you're OK." She was rightfully, hysterical. She called her husband. The police showed up and then I left them to talk because I didn't want her to feel crowded or smothered. I got her some water and just sat at my computer as I listened to her recount what happened. So many officers showed up and detectives but I still had this pit in my stomach; like no matter where or what or who showed up, I still didn't feel safe. This woman had been held at gunpoint...gun to her face...and her little business was robbed. She was terrified and all I wanted to do was hold her and cry.

Needless to say, the only thing my mind can concentrate on now is this robbery and the fear in this woman's eyes. She was shaking. I can't concentrate on work so I am blogging. I am writing about it because working just seems silly right now. Today, I am thankful for life and God's protection and safety.

So many rivers but they all reach the sea.

Song lyrics (in blog title) taken from "Unity" by Trevor Hall.

*Saturday, Nov. 12, 2011: Today I am thankful for the ISN Teach-In. So the Ignatian Spirituality Network puts on an annual conference in DC where Catholic high schoolers, youth groups, colleges and JVs come to learn more about social justice and faith. This was my first one this year. I had heard many negative things about it leading up to the event so I was a little apprehensive about going to the conference, but I was pleasantly surprised. It was such an invigorating and recharging weekend of social justice issues, highly charged individuals who are working for justice and meeting other JVs/FJVs too! It was the right dosage of inspiration to propel me forward in the coming weeks.

*Sunday, Nov. 13, 2011: Today I am thankful for laughter, Sunday night football and good company. During our dinner break during the Teach-In, a few of us decided to watch the Giants/49-ers game (and I watched the Seahawks kick butt) at a bar. We sat down, had a drink and just enjoyed each other's company. I have forgotten how much I miss testosterone in my life. Men just crack me up and I enjoy hanging out with them so much; talking football or whatever. It was so much fun. We got angry about the Giants sucking and laughed about stupid jokes and had an intense conversation about gender as well...it ran the gambit and for two hours, we just enjoyed each other's company. So today I am grateful for Sunday night football.

*Monday, Nov. 14, 2011: Today we had our JVC Day of Reflection Retreat and it was good. Although I was exhausted and completely not interested in talking about my feelings while I was so incredibly vulnerable because of my exhaustion, it turned out to be just what I needed. Besides spending an entire day with my own community, I got to spend quality time with the Le Droit community as well. It reminded me that I really want to hang out with them more. I really want to take the time to invest in them because as one of them said it best at the end of the retreat yesterday, "we are not just Le Droit or Petworth, we are also a part of one bigger, DC JVC community." I am thankful for honesty, openness, the space to be both honest and open and just spending time with quality people. On this retreat, our Program Coordinator played the song "Unity" by Trevor Hall for us to listen to and reflect on. So if you don't know the song, you should look it up...also, "Lemon Tree" is really good by him too.

*Tuesday, Nov. 15, 2011: So it's only 1pm so I shouldn't be beating myself up about the fact that I am struggling to come up with something I am grateful for today but I am. I am having a hard time thinking of something I am grateful for...BUT one of my seniors came up to me this morning, as soon as she walked in and said, "Oh! I missed you, Katie. Where were you?" I told her and she said, "well, why didn't you take me with you?" It was a short interaction and nothing too crazy was discussed but her noticing I was gone and her taking time to walk up the stairs to inform me of her happiness that I was back made me smile. It's always nice to know someone cares about you, even if it only was a five-minute conversation.

There is a life line come to the rescue, Just like a hand that's waiting for you. And if you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone.

Song lyrics (in blog title) taken from "There is a Way" by NewWorldSon.

Side-note: Has anyone ever noticed how attractive Travie McCoy is? I was watching some music videos after work yesterday and decided to watch "Stereo Hearts" video...it's good, by the way...BUT I couldn't help but notice how attractive Travie McCoy is...he's fine! Goggle the music video if you don't believe me. But objectifications put aside, his music is great too. SO onto what I am grateful for this week:

*Wednesday, Nov. 9th, 2011: Today I am thankful for the task I have been bestowed: calling seniors within Ward 2 to see if they would be interested in receiving a FREE Thanksgiving meal and Christmas gift this year. I have my script in hand, ready to call the 150 phone numbers I have on my list and one by one, senior after senior, breaks my heart. Each one, with a gracious heart and a thankful soul. Each one so incredibly grateful for the small thing Emmaus was providing for them. Then I called, *Ms. Harriet. She answered the phone and I could hear the fragility in her voice. She said, "hello, baby girl, how are you?" I responded appropriately and went into my script. At the end of the entire thing, after she told me what she wanted for Christmas, her voice began to break up. What once was fragile was now fighting back tears. She said, "I just want you to know that if there's anything I can do for you, you just let me know. I mean, my legs don't work anymore, but my prayers still do." My heart melted and then there were two women fighting to hold back tears on the phone. I have been waiting since August 5th to feel broken again. I have been waiting since August 5th to feel like I'm making a difference and today I did. Today Ms. Harriet and I shared something that I hope I never forget.

*Thursday, Nov. 10th, 2011: Today I am thankful for God. I truly having been feeling His presence lately. I have no idea where this sudden spark of positivity and optimism came from so I have to toss it up to the Big Guy for credit. I look forward to going to work now. I look forward to speaking with my seniors and they look forward to seeing me too. I am realizing that I do have gifts and talents to bring to this agency and my year is not a waste and I can only thank God for that gift. Today we played Bingo and had a great time. Then, one of the seniors made banana pudding for my birthday and it was TO DIE FOR. It was so good. She and I chuckled about how I wanted to steal the recipe from her and she said she was taking it to the grave with her. Such a sweet lady. God has graced my life and has stepped in, in a really big way lately, and I am so thankful for that.

*Friday, Nov. 11th, 2011: MY BIRTH-DAY!!! This is an easy one today, I am grateful for my parents. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here. I have now lived for 24 years; which I have a harder time believing that my parents had me 24 years ago rather than believing that I've had 24 years of life already. But anywho, I digress. I am grateful for my parents in all the little and big ways that they work themselves into my life. From calming me down or "talking me out of a tree", as my dad likes to say, to offering up advice, love and compassion, to just joking around with me or sending me a note in the mail to tell me they are thinking of me. They have shown me what love looks like, feels like, sounds like and what the essence of love truly is. I am equal parts them. My roommate last year said, "you look just like your dad and have the mannerisms of your mom." I feel like every "good" thing about me is directly taken from who they are and what they taught me in these 24 years of life. I am thankful for them and am so incredibly blessed for having them in my life and grateful to them for creating it as well.

***Names ave been changed for obvious reasons.

So we made our way by finding what was real. Now the days are so long that summer's moving on.

Song lyrics (in title of blog) taken from Daughtry's "September" (Alie is going to kill me for choosing a Daughtry song).

*Monday, Nov. 7th, 2011: This may seem silly, but today I am thankful for my footie pajamas. When I need to feel warm and cuddly or need to feel silly or just childish, they are there. They were a gift from a housemate of mine last year and have served me well ever since. Last night I was cold, tired and ready to just vedge out and low and behold, I open my bottom drawer to my dresser and there they were, just begging to be worn. I put them on and immediately felt warm and empowered...they brightened my mood immediately and I felt ready to make dinner, watch Jeopardy and then watch The Sing Off!!! So thank you, sock monkey footie pajamas for just being you...



*Tuesday, Nov. 8th, 2011: I am grateful for Kae. While attempting to tackle my list of homebound seniors for the Thanksgiving meal delivery program and the Christmas giving tree program, I called Kae. Her real name is something else, but when I introduced myself as Katie she said, "oh, people call me Kae. While I was a WAC, they began to call me Kae because my middle name is Katherine." My mind immediately stunted in thought...she was a WAC...as in part of the first group of women other than nurses to serve within the ranks of the United States Army during WWII. WHAT?!?!?! So amazing and she nonchalantly mentioned it like it was nothing. THEN, when I went into my script about receiving a free Thanksgiving meal and free Christmas gift she agreed to the meal and said, "You could serve somebody who needs a gift more than I do. I don't need anything but good health and I don't even have that. So you should give a gift to someone else." Her genuine desire to forgo a gift made me put her on the list even more and she thanked me and wished me well. I will probably never meet Kae; I will maybe talk to her on the phone one more time before the holidays but her genuine care for others and the incredible life story, I'm sure she has, intrigue me and remind me of what's really important every day of the year: good health and good intentions for others.

Now I can hold you. With my own two hands. And I can comfort you. With my own two hands.

Song lyrics (in blog title) taken from "With My Own Two Hands" by Ben Harper.

*Tuesday, Nov. 1, 2011: Today I am grateful for a close friend from Bridgeport, CT. I worked with him all last year; in fact he was my first real friend in Bridgeport. For some strange reason this man and I clicked from the get-go...laughing, joking, talkin' "real talk" and enjoying the kids we worked with. He and I became a duo, partners, friends and I miss him every day I am in DC. I think of him often and little things pop up during my day that remind me of him and how much he means to me. He was such a rock for me last year that I am definitely struggling to fill that void here in DC BUT he called me last night. This is the second time he's called since I left and it was such a pleasant surprise! It made my night/day/week. I am still smiling because of it...it was only a 15-minute conversation but it was just what I needed...I needed to hear his voice and laugh with him again. I am grateful that he graced my life with his presence...even though it was only for a year and man, how that year flew by, I am so incredibly thankful for his friendship, love and support. I miss him every day and am so excited to tear up Bridgeport with him during the Thanksgiving break! AH!

*Wednesday, Nov. 2, 2011: I know I've said this many times before but today I am thankful for my mother. I got in the mail today a pair of Halloween socks, my voter's ballot and a quirky Halloween card from my mother. The Halloween card looked like it was something she had found in the 70's and had just now gotten around to using it. It was a cat wearing a witch's hat and on the inside, my mama wrote: "I know you hate cats, but it reminded me of you when you were a witch for Halloween so many years ago." It's no wonder I am constantly being nostalgic...wonder where I get it from, huh? But I am grateful for her silliness, her little ways of showing me that she is thinking of me and her nostalgia. She wrote other things in the card as well, that made me tear up because it jogged my memory and made me walk down memory lane---such a good lane to walk down. I appreciate her so much and the perfect timing her notes/letters/packages have in my life. They always seem to come when I need her most and I am grateful for that.

*Thursday, Nov. 3, 2011: Today I am thankful for an elderly woman who came into our building to see if the services we offer will work for her. She was pretty immobile and I could tell her memory/attention span was pretty out of whack but she had a gentleness to her. I actually didn't catch her name but she strolled in at 4:30pm and began asking me all sorts of questions about what Emmaus does and the services we offer. She kept saying, "I may be looking away or reading, but I am still listening to you...I am paying attention." She wanted to be so respectful to me and it was so kind of her to repeat that same phrase, over and over again. She left our building at 4:50pm or maybe a little later and I cleaned up my desk and began to shut everything down for the evening. When I left our building I began making my walk home and what did my eyes appear but the same elderly woman, a few feet in front of me, slowly heading in the same direction I was heading in. I caught up to her and we began talking about my life as a teacher last year and the year before and my current volunteer position with Emmaus. She was such a sweet heart but a tough one too...she said, "man, there's no money in anything anymore. I can't imagine trying to work during these times...it's hard for me and I'm retired!" We walked the four blocks together until I turned right onto Georgia Ave. and she kept heading straight on 9th. She left me with this: "Well, Ms. Katie, I wish you all the luck and blessings in this year and I hope God allows us to see each other once again." I am grateful for this elderly woman today for reminding me that the little encounters God sprinkles during our days with unknown people are sometimes more important than we think.

*Friday, Nov. 4th, 2011: Today I am grateful for children. I know my passion, I know my calling, I know my love...it's children. Tonight, my roommate invited me to her agency to watch the kids (grades 1-11) while some of them tested their reading and math skills. I happily obliged. For three hours or so I laughed, played, joked and tried to convince the kids that I was married to Justin Bieber. It was so much fun to be around kids and be silly again. I loved it...I realized that I need that in my life. I like seniors, I like talking to them and learning so much from them but my heart belongs to youth. You can't change that. So today I am thankful for that realization and recognition.

*Saturday, Nov. 5th, 2011: Today I am thankful for visiting with my old roommate. Today I met up with Bridget in DC to do some sight seeing...we went to the Smithsonian Museum of American History, the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History and the Holocaust Museum. It was great to chat, laugh, joke, talk "real talk" and just be with her again...I miss her. I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with her because even though we knew each other for maybe only a month or so, I am so blessed to have had her friendship and today reminded me of that. I am grateful for the six or seven hours we got of fun time today.

*Sunday, Nov. 6th, 2011: Today I am grateful for down time. Although I went to church (loved it) and watched the Jets game with Brittney, Britt and I got home around 5pm so the rest of the night was our oyster. All four of us were home (with no plans for the night) which I think was the first time that has happened in a long, long while. Britt led us in a really good Spirituality night and then we all just hung out, in our living room, reading, typing on the computer, doing sudoku and just relaxing in each other's company. It was wonderful to just "be" with one another; without an agenda or plan in place. It was such a blessing to just let conversation go where ever or just sit in silence. I am so grateful for that down time today.

I'm Your Boogie Man

Lyrics taken from: "I'm Your Boogie Man" by KC and the Sunshine Band

*Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011: I am grateful for flexibility and fun with good people. Today was a busy day. We woke up really early to support HIV/AIDS Awareness Day in DC. Two of my roommates ran in the 5K early Saturday morning and they did great despite the stinky weather! Then, we all walked in the HIV/AIDS walk. The weather was gross, we got soaked, but it was a wonderful morning. Then, Colleen, Cara and I made our way to Baltimore for the Newark Halloween party. It was a crazy afternoon of travel and fighting snow storms and TONS of flexibility with our scheduling/travel but we made it to Newark safely. In Newark we got to hang out with a lot of JVs we hadn't seen since Orientation and it was great. It was a fun night of laughter, socializing and friendship. I am grateful for the gifts of flexibility and fun.



*Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011: Today, I am reminded of how thankful I am for reliability. I am thankful for reliable friends and family, who do what they say they are going to do, when they say they are going to do it. Because of our dependency on other people for a ride home from Newark, we were at their mercy for the 17 hours we were with them. When they decided it was time to drive the 4 hours back to Baltimore at 5am, we had to go with them or we'd be screwed so we left. We were on the road longer than we were actually in Newark...crazy. Anywho, it made me appreciate the reliability of my family and close friends/roommates. I appreciate people who are dependable, reliable and considerate of others' time. I am very grateful for those qualities in my family and friends today.

*Monday, Oct. 31, 2011: Happy Halloween!!! I am thankful for creativity and a child-like heart today. Although today especially makes me miss my kids back in Bridgeport, I still am trying to spread the Halloween fun by dressing up in my costume once more (Woody from Toy Story) tonight for any children that may come to our door, watching a semi-scary but not really Halloween movie and eating as much Halloween candy as I possibly can consume! I am thankful for my roommate, Colleen and her and my shared personality traits of a child-like heart and creativity with our costumes. When living on a strict budget, you have to be creative with pulling off your costume for Halloween and I feel like we did it well! I hope everyone has a safe and happy Halloween! Bwa-ha-ha!!!

Go on and Put Your Hands Up, When Times are Hard You Stand Up

"...One in the air for the people that ain’t here.
Two in the air for the father that’s there.
Three in the air for the kids in the ghetto.
Four for the kids who don’t wanna be there.
None for the n-ggas trying to hold them back.
Five in the air for the teacher not scared to tell those kids that’s living in the ghetto that the n-ggas holdin back that the World is theirs!"

Lyrics today brought to you by Lupe Fiasco's "Show Goes On"...probably one of the most inspirational and motivating songs out there right now.

*Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2011: I am grateful for networking. It's strange that I've never really networked before living in DC but I am finding that networking is basically the only way to get anywhere in this city. Today I had a meeting with someone who I think is going to be a huge ally of mine. He is a volunteer advocate for seniors in DC, specifically Ward 2 (my ward). He and I met today and discussed HIV/AIDS Prevention programs, making a committee of all seniors (so they can advocate for themselves) and just sharing resources as far as aging goes (more networking!). I am so thankful for this gift God has placed in my lap in the form of this 60-something-year-old man who just wants to make our society care more about the aging population. He is so passionate and proactive and KNOWLEDGEABLE about issues with the policies regarding (or not regarding) seniors; which is going to be such an asset for me! Thank the Lord for him!!!

*Wednesday, Oct. 26, 2011: Today I am thankful for for people in particular. It's funny how when I sat down to write this entry for today at 12:30pm, I couldn't come up with something to be grateful for and then God revealed amazing people to me. So the first is my co-worker who I was especially close to at Emmaus, who left with the transition. She called today and after I got done with my speal: "Hello, it's a great day at Emmaus, my name is Katie, how may I help you?" I heard, "hey, gurl, how you doin'? What you up to gurrrrl?" in a very low, kinda creepy voice. It was her!!! I haven't talked to her since she left about a month ago so it was such a pleasant and wonderful surprise! We talked, gossiped and then she said, "so when can I meet you at Jo Jo's for Happy Hour? I need to see you soon...I miss you!" It touched my heart. In the short month and a half we got to work together we both clicked so quickly that I'm glad I wasn't the only one gaining from that relationship---it's a mutual exchange of love!!! So that put me in a good mood...THEN, my brother and I had been e-mailing each other back and forth about Thanksgiving day plans and today I broke the news to him that our time together was going to be limited to 10 and a half hours during our Thanksgiving break because of ride situations and traveling and what not. I was pretty bummed about this and then he replied with, "honestly, Katie, I'm just happy with whatever time I get to spend with you, I don't care how long it is." That made my day. Between my old co-worker and my brother, great human beings helped remind me of what's important: quality time with those you love, no matter how long that time may be. :)

*Thursday, Oct. 27, 2011: Today I am grateful for my roommate, Colleen's, agency. Colleen invited us Petworth ladies to help out at the Halloween event last night and we gladly accepted. She put us in charge of separate tasks...mine was to help kids (ages 5-17) make and decorate "Thank You" cards for Georgetown Cupcake (who donated 100 cupcakes to the Halloween party). It was so great, I got marker all over my hands, I had two kids ask me to come mentor at the center and I definitely got my "kid" fix. I forgot how happy children make me...it's like night and day between my current job and anytime I am around children. My spirits are lifted. So tonight I am actually going to take action and find an organization to volunteer with during my free time. I need kid exposure because otherwise I'm going to forget how much joy there is to be had around those little faces!

*Friday, Oct. 28, 2011: Today I am grateful for letter writing. I received a letter in the mail yesterday from the Death Row Support Project (I registered with them a couple months ago, didn't hear back from them so I just forgot about it) and I have been paired up with an inmate on death row! I am so excited to begin this pen pal journey with him. I think there is so much untapped power in letter writing that I would love for it to have a comeback! Especially now-a-days, with everything being at our fingertips and instant gratification being at the forefront of our minds, receiving and taking the time to write a letter carries so much weight. It shows that you care; but it also shows that you took time out of your busy schedule to stop and think about a friend, loved one, family member or a complete stranger, like my death row inmate. I get so much joy when I see I've gotten a letter from someone, so I hope that that sentiment is felt by someone who receives a letter from me as well! Today I am grateful for showing love in a dying art form: letter writing.

This is Where it Starts, Lightening Strikes the Heart

*Friday, Oct. 21, 2011: "Don't do too well or they won't hire on more help for us" is the statement my supervisor made after I offered to clean out the space we are renting out to an agency next week. I want new people to be hired on, but I also don't want to be accused of laziness so the space didn't get cleaned out and I went and worked on a lesson plan instead. She brought up an interesting point and an overarching theme of what I am learning with my time at Emmaus: the inner workings of the non-profit world. Doing enough to get by isn't usually my forte, but with the onset of us trying to hire new people on; I guess it's something worth investing in. This expands to something larger though...the inner workings of the non-profit world have been thrusted upon me more in these past three months than I ever saw at the Shehan Center last year. With such a small organization trying to serve a large group of people, I am learning a lot about how the "normal" non-profit struggles with finances and staffing. It's been so interesting and such a learning experience and I am grateful for that today.

*Saturday, Oct. 22, 2011: I am thankful for reunions. Tonight I got to have dinner with a high school friend I hadn't seen in about five years and we had dinner and then headed out to a mutual friend's birthday celebration. It was retro-80's-bright color themed and only my friend (who's birthday it was) and I dressed for the theme. It was still a blast though. We danced, laughed and had a good time with everyone present for the festivities. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with friends from home and time to be silly with some pretty amazing people.



*Sunday, Oct. 23, 2011: I want to start using lyrics as my titles for these posts because song titles and lyrics speak to me and really articulate what I'm thinking most of the time more than my own words do. So a song that has been really speaking to my heart lately is "Brighter than the Sun" by Colbie Caillat. The line, "But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go with it?" is so powerful (as well as the entire song) because it's so upbeat, so catchy and so motivational. It seems to always come on the radio when I am feeling particularly down, stuck-in-a-rut or just blah and as soon as it comes on I just want to skip, smile from ear to ear and high five people as I pass by them. It came on today, in the midst of my lazy day/stuck-in-a-rut-ness and it was such a mood-lifter! I am thankful for the radio's semi-obsession with this song because it means I get to listen to it a few times a day and feel uplifted and motivated to do anything.

*Monday, Oct. 24, 2011: Today my roommate, Brittney, came in and gave a health talk on HIV/AIDS to my seniors. It was great. She did such a good job and was so informative and helpful. She didn't pussy-foot around anything and they appreciated it. They laughed with her, cracked jokes and got some serious questions answered. They were raving about her after she left and it inspired me to look for other experts in the field to come in and give health talks about different disorders/diseases/health issues. I am thankful for my roommate and for her willingness not only take time out of her day to speak with my seniors but to do it sooooo well.

Where Men Cannot Provide, God Steps In

I needed to journal somehow about my current array of emotions and blogging seems to be the easiest and most accessible way to do it. In so many ways, I have felt the hand of God guiding me to where I need to be throughout my life. All throughout college I could feel His presence around me and even into my first year as a volunteer. As I hit the half-way point in Bridgeport, I felt that I stopped searching for His guiding hand; I stopped asking for it and stopped looking for it. It was like I was coasting in a state of bliss and was fine with a stagnant, independent relationship that didn't have me looking to someone else for guidance.

Heading into my second year as a volunteer, I felt that stagnancy the most. I felt 100% independent and 100% reliant on myself because I had ignored the hand of God so much that I didn't know how to ask for it anymore when I truly needed it. As I got into my new position and struggled probably more than I've struggled at something before, I came to my last resort: prayer. I turned to the Big Guy after months of turning in the other direction. My prayers were desperate pleas for understanding and passion for this new job. I asked for direction, for strength and for love.

This week, I have felt His hand guiding me...I have felt Him stepping alongside me once again and I forgot how great and fulfilling of a feeling that is. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I went to the wrong meeting yesterday and felt like a complete fool but as it turns out, we are going to be able to apply for that $500,000 grant because of my attendance at that meeting AND the development guy at my agency was supposed to be there anyway but couldn't make it so God directed me right into the wrong meeting for a reason and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

*Thursday, Oct. 20th, 2011: Then, last night, the thing I am grateful for today, I went to Brittney's work because on Wednesdays she works 1pm-9pm. Here, I got to sit on the stoop with the same man I painted with about a month ago...*Mr. Arnie...Brittney had been telling me for a week that his health was deteriorating and I needed to visit him soon. So I went and as I walked up to the house, he saw me before I saw him and said, "there she is. How you doin' baby girl?" He had a huge smile on his face and was so happy to see me. Brittney was telling me that he talked about me a little bit after the last time I visited him so I was excited to come back and see him again. Apparently he is in major denial about dying and doesn't want to be at her agency with those people and doesn't understand why he's there. It made me think, "Mr. Arnie and I, though very different, have so much in common." Through conversation and just companionship, I have gained and learned so much from our brief encounters. He has made me laugh, brought me to the brink of tears and made me feel good about myself. I feel like God's hand has guided me to Mr. Arnie. I am in DC for many reasons (most of them have yet to be revealed to me) but I know and feel that one of the reasons is so Mr. Arnie and I can lean on each other. We both don't understand why we are where we are and we both don't like where we are and we both sometimes feel 100% alone and self-reliant; but if we're both feeling all alone, then we're together in that sentiment so we aren't truly all alone. Now I have Wednesday nights to look forward to and Mr. Arnie's companionship to lean on.

*Names have been changed for obvious reasons.

Creativity, Busboys and Good Mistakes

*Monday, Oct. 17, 2011: Today I am grateful for the time I got to be creative. As a house, we decided to make our own mailboxes for our house so sorting mail is a little easier and less cluttered. So I took this as an opportunity to let my creative juices flow...I locked myself up in my bedroom and began painting. I forgot how much painting centered and relaxed me. I miss painting so much! I just started going and my inspiration came from a Spirituality night I led last year in my Bridgeport community. I took the image of a heart, bursting with color and painted it on my mailbox as the background. When we did the Spirituality night last year, using that image, we decided to paint the same image as a mural in our basement and the picture below is the mural we painted...at least 1/2 way finished mural... I painted this image on my mailbox because it's 1) colorful and 2) a good reminder of how I should let my love flow...openly, without reservations. I am grateful for the few hours I got to be creative tonight.



*Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2011: Tonight Colleen and I tagged along with Brittney to open mic night at Busboys and Poets. We went because Brittney asked us to because her client that recently past wrote a poem and one of her co-workers was reading it at the open mic night that night. So we walked into Busboys and Poets and was flooded with the cool ambiance and funky people in the room. Each poet got up and gave their slam poetry, sang or recited prose and then Britt's co-worker got up there. He prefaced the poem with it's author's story...he told of how the author was a friend, a father figure and a brother to everyone he met. I'm not going to lie, I started to tear up a bit as he spoke. You could just feel the love radiating off of each of the listeners as Britt's co-worker shared this special treasure with us. It was beautiful and I was so grateful to be a part of it. I never knew the author but from seeing/hearing the impact he had on Britt and listening to his poem last night and feeling the outpouring of love surrounding the reader, I can't help but feel like he was a part of my life.



*Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2011: Alright, let me set the scene for you. So this morning I got to sleep in an extra 20 minutes because I had a scheduled meeting for Older Adults with HIV/AIDS at 10am. So I got up, got ready, double checked to make sure I had my business cards and then went on my merry way. When I finally got to my destination, I got up to the 4th floor and told the receptionist that I was waiting for a meeting with fill-in-the-blank and she said, "Oh yes, his meeting will be right in through these doors, you can go ahead and go in." So I went in...there were already three people sitting and waiting so I just sat and waited as well. Needless to say, the meeting I sat down to was about HIV/AIDS but not for the elderly. It was about a grant available for agencies in the DC area. I went to the wrong meeting! So when I got back to my desk, I typed up the minutes of the meeting I attended and then got really nervous as I went to break the news to my supervisor the mistake I had made. When I told her, she laughed and just said, well talk to our development guy and maybe we can get on this grant. Long story short, I went up to talk to the development guy and he told me that he was actually supposed to be at that meeting but couldn't make it...funny...but it gets better. I found out one of our volunteer activists went to the meeting I was supposed to be at...so God works in mysterious ways and now we have a possible $500,000 grant at our feet so I am thankful for good mistakes today.

Even Moses Didn't Reach the Promised Land

*Thursday, Oct. 13th, 2011: Today I am grateful for the blood pressure check I scheduled for my seniors to do today. In the spirit of solidarity, I decided to get my blood pressure checked when they all did it too...the seniors kind of pressured (no pun intended) me into doing it; saying things like: "you haven't had it taken in two years...you need to. You need to take care of yourself, baby girl." So I did...I got my blood pressure taken and I am 100/78...which is low, which is good. All of the seniors looked at me and said, "well, goodness we haven't seen numbers that low for pressure since 1950." We all laughed and then it dawned on me...today I am grateful for good health. These seniors are teaching me to take advantage of your youth while you have it, because one day your blood pressure will be too high or your knees will be too sore to go anywhere. Getting up to simply get a pencil to do word puzzles is too hard for some of my seniors so I feel today is a good day and a good reminder that I should be thankful for my health...because one day, I might not have it.

*Friday, Oct. 14th, 2011: I am thankful for spontaneous runs to get fatty food. Brittney, Colleen and I walked to Five Guys on Friday night. So now I have tasted Five Guys drunkenly AND soberly. Brittney treated us to a fatty cheeseburger (Colleen had a grilled cheese) and fries (which we all regretted later during the walk home) and had a good time just laughing and talking. I love those outings because it wasn't planned, it wasn't forced and we just enjoyed each other's company. We were laughing about the fact that we pased by ladies in short skirts and "going out clothes" while all three of us were in our sweats, sweatshirts and tossled "hot mess" hair styles for our Friday night outing...so classy we all are...and what party animals too!

*Saturday, Oct. 15th, 2011: Colleen's sister visiting for two reasons: 1) Colleen, Brittney and I got to steal her car to drive out to the thrift store to buy our Halloween costumes. I got a lot of what I needed for my "Woody" costume. Colleen is going to be Buzz and I'm going to be Woody. So I got cowboy boots, a flannel shirt, a vest, a cowboy hat, bandana and even a holster for my toy gun...it's going to be good. I need to do a lot of sewing for the vest though. 2) On Saturday night, Colleen, her sister and I went out to Georgetown to visit with Colleen's friends and everything and it was a blast. It was really good for me to get out of the house for sure. So today I am thankful for Colleen's sister for visiting because she was good company, for the reasons stated above but also because it got me out of the house...a much needed experience I didn't realize until I was literally out of the house.

*Sunday, Oct. 16th, 2011: Today is a wonderful day of gratitude. So a few friends of mine from all over caught wind of the MLK Jr. Memorial Dedication Ceremony that was happening on Sunday and they asked me a million times if I was going and I was on the fence because it's so early in the morning, but my friends guilted me into going so I dragged my butt outta bed at 7am and made the hour-long trek to the monument. It was so worth it...thanks for guilting me, guys! So the MLK Jr. Memorial Dedication Ceremony began at 9am and I got there at 8:30am. I sat down next to an elderly woman, dressed in her Sunday best (while I was in my jeans and JVC T-shirt) and she had the biggest smile on her face. "I'm so excited," she whispered to me; "I can't believe I am here for this. Dr. King is such an inspiration; I marched with him, ya know?" and I looked at her and said, "no you didn't, really?" She smiled from ear to ear and said, "oh yes, a lot of us did. He was just the leader we were waiting for and I would've followed him anywhere." We kept chatting until the ceremony began. There were tons of big name people there but I think the best speaker was his sister, only first to his daughter. Those two women stole the show for me...they were phenomenal. One of the speakers said something that stood out to me, he said, "I like to think of my friend, Martin, as a prophet and although he didn't get to see the fruits of his labor, we must remember that even Moses didn't make it to the Promised Land. He was sent to lead; to lead the people to the Promised Land. As Moses and Martin did, we must remember that as well...sometimes we are just called to lead people and we may not reach the final destination." Such a good thought to consider, especially as a JV. The bus ride home just continued the good thoughts because my bus driver let me on for FREE and then we were the only two riding for a while so we chatted about the ceremony and JVC and what not. he was so pleasant and kept calling me baby girl...which I now love the title after living in an urban setting for 14 months. But anywho, it was just a great morning/early afternoon of random interactions with kind-hearted and loving people. I am grateful for the ceremony because it carried with it a wonderful set of memories and interactions I wouldn't have had otherwise.

Birdwalking a Bit

So sometimes you just have to write...well, sometimes I just have to write. Writing is my outlet, my stress reliever, my way of sorting things through and my way of dealing/coping. So right now, at 9:18am in my office, in between looking up trivia facts for my seniors, I am writing. It is not en entry to my gratitude journal, but it's been on my mind a lot lately so I figured if I wanted to purge my mind of these thoughts, getting down on "paper" would be a good start.

I am reminded of a quote I read in Kathryn Stockett's, "The Help" when Miss Skeeter has found out some not-so-nice things about the man (Stuart) she is seeing and they break up. Stuart comes over to her house after a few weeks to try and make amends, she considers it but as she's heading back inside Miss Skeeter's mother (who has been urging her to marry Stuart from the beginning) tells her this:

"Don't let him cheapen you." -Skeeter's Mother
I look back at her, eye her suspiciously.... Sorry is the fool who ever underestimates my mother. -Skeeter
"If Stuart doesn't know how intelligent and kind I raised you to be, he can march straight on back to State Street.... Frankly, I don't care much for Stuart. He doesn't know how lucky he was to have you." -Skeeter's Mother (p. 357)

Now this quote hits me straight to my core because I have my past of interesting relationship decisions (good and bad) and my array of personality types I've dated. In retrospect, the most recent one began out of mediocrity. I hadn't had a boyfriend in a while, was kinda interested in this guy and just thought, "why not?" But within the "why not?" mentality I opened the door for him to cheapen me. This post isn't going to turn into a rant and rave or bashing on this fellow but let me just say, I have a tendency to take a lot of crap from people in general, especially those I am most connected with...and I took a lot of crap from him. At the end of my year in Bridgeport, I couldn't help but feel cheapened; almost less of a person. This book came just in time and this quote appeared at the right moment in my life. I let him cheapen me because he didn't see the "intelligent and kind" person my parents raised me to be.

Now, I am a firm believer in everything being a learning experience so I don't carry any bad thoughts about the situation but I now understand that "settling" or just being with someone out of boredom or pressure to have a man can do more damage than I thought. I figured, "hey, it's just a time filler. Not a big deal or anything." But in investing time into someone who didn't appreciate all the nifty things about me, I allowed my self-worth to be a casualty and therefore, felt cheapened. It's funny how much power we willingly give some people over us; how their words can carry so much weight than those that have known us for decades (odd I can use that large measurement of time). I guess my take away point is this: never let someone have so much power over you, that you forget about the kind, intelligent, passionate, loving, beautiful, enthusiastic, vivacious, energetic, emotional, humorous, crazy person your parents raised you to be. I feel like if my mama would've been in Bridgeport with me last year, she would've said, "Katie, don't let him cheapen you" and she would've added to it: "because you are worth so much to so many people who love you."

Finally Ready to Fall in Love Again

*Tuesday, Oct. 11th, 2011: Today I am incredibly thankful for prayers and God-given strength. I couldn't have made it through today if it wasn't for those two things that have very little to do with me. First, the prayers of family and friends have been carrying me through these last few weeks and especially recently. Today I had a huge, important, life-altering (OK, not exactly) meeting with my supervisor. I was incredibly nervous about it for about a week and incredibly afraid of what things might come to the surface in this meeting. Needless to say, I was in need of support, prayers and some inner-strength that God provided. Somehow, I walked into the meeting and found the strength to communicate all my concerns/issues I've been having so far in DC with my role as the Social Justice and Advocacy Coordinator. I stood up for myself (which any of my close friends can attest, I don't ever do) and what resulted was such a positive and helpful result. My supervisor accepted responsibility for the issues, we came up with plans on how to improve and made me feel like I was heard and action was taking place for me to really grow and learn and give to this agency. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all your prayers, love, concern and advice this past week. And most of all, thank you, God, for providing me with the strength I needed to actually stand up for myself.

*Wednesday, Oct. 12th, 2011: Today I am thankful for my seniors. I know I've been thankful for them a lot lately but they bring out such interesting sides of me each day/week so I am thankful for them in different ways each week. Today was the first day that I actually walked away from talking with a few of my seniors feeling like, "oh-o, Katie, you're going to fall in love with these seniors and be broken once again." The first time I actually felt love and felt like I was giving love since I got to DC. I made an announcement about a suggestion box for the seniors to put ideas and thoughts they have in it and one senior said, "can you help me find a boyfriend?" I responded with, "only if you can help me find one!" We all laughed and it was a cute moment between us. Today they've been pulling me aside, telling me how wonderful I am, reaffirming why I am here and just laughing with me about silly things. I am falling in love again and I think I am finally ready to allow myself to let them impact me, love me and break me. YAY! for good days.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

So this Bible quote keeps popping up in my life...I have always liked it and have felt a little sad about the fact that it's associated with funerals all the time (it makes sense but it's still sad). So whenever I read it aloud, there is always someone who starts crying because it was read at so-in-so's funeral...not my intent to make them sad, I just love this quote because it's all about things happening for a reason, which I am a firm believer in and have found it carrying me through these past few weeks.

*Saturday, Oct. 8th, 2011: I am thankful for my roommates, Brittney and Colleen. First, Brittney is playing for a soccer league and Colleen and I went to her game on Saturday. While watching Brittney play, I remembered how much I miss sports; how much I miss kicking a ball around, pushing a girl to the ground and genuinely kicking butt on the soccer field. It was this spark that made Colleen and myself want to put together a "fit camp" with our friends in DC and in the other JV house. I am thankful for the opportunity to go to Britt's game and feel that urge again. I am grateful for Colleen for entertaining my desire to put together a group of people who want to play any kind of sport for "fun's sake" and for actually getting excited about it. I am thankful for both of them for their constant support and for watching Pride and Prejudice with me on Saturday while vegging out on junk food! It's the little things in life that make you smile, right?

*Sunday, Oct. 9th, 2011: I am grateful for little snip-its that remind me of home. After going to church at St. Augustine's (awesome homily and Mass, by the way), Brittney and I went to watch the Jets vs. Pats game at a bar. We got there early so I got to watch the Seahawks vs. the Giants play for a good hour. As I watched my favorite neon green and navy blue birds run up and down the field, I discovered I was not the only 'Hawks fan in the bar...there were three (kinda obnoxious) men sitting to my right with Seahawks ball caps and shirts on. They were excitible and cheered whenever a good play was made (regardless of the team) and pasty white and shook hands with the Giants fans when they left the bar so I knew they had to be from the Pacific Northwest. The Seahawks beat the Giants (much to my surprise) and it was fun to not feel like the lone Seattle fan in a sea of Pats, Jets, Giants and Eagles fans. It was good to feel at home when I saw the three (semi-obnoxious) men shake hands with the Giants fans after we won...good sportsmanship, big smiles and that "12th Man" mentality reminded me of where my roots are and I'm grateful for that.

*Monday, Oct. 10th, 2011: Today I am grateful a particular senior who took me aside and made me feel loved. I handed out the schedule today and when I had finished, a senior came up to me and said, "So does that mean we're not going to Walmart this month?" I looked at her and said, "no, because we still haven't hired an activities coordinator so until we do, we cannot take any trips." She looked at me with disappointment and said, "well I thought you were the new activities coordinator." I turned to her, and said, "no, I'm not, but I wish I was. I would love to spend most of my day down here with you guys." She smiled and said, "and we would love to have you do it to. You should tell the person in charge we want you down here. You got support with us and we're backing you up for sure." I smiled and my heart weakened. All the struggles I've been having, all the temptations to cut my losses and peace out, they melted away in that conversation. She is the reason I am here, she is why God sent me here and although I am really unsure about what my actual job entails, she is motivation to stay here.

And now I leave you with the quote that's been echoing my last few weeks:

"1 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every [a]event under heaven—
2 A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
5 A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
6 A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

9 What profit is there to the worker from that in which he toils? 10 I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves.
God Set Eternity in the Heart of Man
11 He has made everything [b]appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, [c]yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.
12 I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one’s lifetime; 13 moreover, that every man who eats and drinks sees good in all his labor—it is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will remain forever; there is nothing to add to it and there is nothing to take from it, for God has so worked that men should [d]fear Him. 15 That which is has been already and that which will be has already been, for God seeks what has passed by." -Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

Something is Weakening...

In this gratitude entry; it was especially hard to find joy in things this week...this week was by far, my most difficult one and by far my most "done" I've ever felt with my job. So finding things to be grateful for was actually a part of my daily prayers this week...it was definitely a struggle this week.

*Tuesday, Oct. 4th, 2011: Last night we had four guests come to our Community Night and I was up to the plate for leading the activity. I remembered this amazing activity I did last year with my supervisor at a workshop we both attended for promoting girl centered programming within our non-profit. It was an activity on stereotypes, assumptions, perspectives and judgments called "Trading Places". It was such a powerful experience for us last year that I decided it would be a good idea to do for Community Night. Our guests: two of Colleen's friends from Georgetown and our local support people, Laura and Nawal, came over around 8pm to join in on the fun. It was a great evening of discussion and fellowship. We got to examine ourselves and think about each other's viewpoints a little more in depth, which was awesome. Today, I am grateful for such an amazing local support team...yes, that's you, Nawal and Laura.

*Wednesday, Oct. 5th, 2011: I am grateful for my dad. Today was probably my worst day at work and I talked to two of my roommates about it and something still wasn't gelling with my heart until I talked to my dad. He just knows me and knows my heart and his advice and words of wisdom were exactly what I needed to hear. Not only did he take on the "protective dad" voice and get very defensive for his baby girl, but he offered up some great suggestions for how I can manage working in a not-so-ideal workplace. I am thankful for his advice, his love and just the gift of him.

*Thursday, Oct. 6th, 2011: I am grateful for our local spiritual liaison, Mr. Bill...I'm just gonna call him Mr. Bill. I feel like his timing is always perfect and he visits and has us do exercises that are perfect for the feelings and struggles I am having. He comes into our community once a month and before he arrives, I'm always thinking, "ugh, I just want to read or work on my puzzle...I don't want to meet with anyone, I just want to relax" but when he gets there, pizza in hand, his presence is so welcoming and inviting that my lack of motivation is melted away. Last night he led us in Ignatian Contemplation about Mary Magdalene finding Jesus' tomb empty and the words, "they have taken my Lord" struck my heart...they echoed in my mind long past Mr. Bill's visit and into today. Her love of Jesus and frantic desperation to find Him and cling onto anything that dealt with Him (including His body) parallels my current issues with letting go/clinging onto anything that resembles my past experience with JVC. So I got a lot out of last night and the incredible experience Mr. Bill facilitated.

*Friday, Oct. 7th, 2011: I am grateful for these seniors. I am grateful for their cold and unrelenting walls they've put up. They are not interested in getting to know me because they don't see what I can offer them in companionship but there have been two in particular that have warmed up to me. They are hyper-critical and very knit-picky but I catch them every now and then, laughing at a joke I make or smiling when I clean something/get them more coffee/come up with a new project for them to do. I am grateful for their rare utterances that resemble affirmations in my favor and can sometimes be border-line friendly...gasp. They are why I can't completely write off my job yet. They are why I am still fighting, fighting so darn hard to find my path here. Otherwise, I would've given up long ago. So I am grateful for the rare moments in which my seniors and I see eye to eye and appreciate each other.