Glimpses into Authentic Happiness

No "gratitude journal post" today...sorry. Just a few thoughts that have been weighing heavily on my heart, soul and mind.

I have been reflecting on this past weekend a lot because I just loved the time I spent with the other Additional Year Volunteers in Houston, TX so much and my heart can't help but feel heavy right now.

I was reading my brother's blog and he had a similar feeling and summed it up perfectly when he said:
"But for one weekend," [in the unlikeliest of places (Houston, TX)] "I remembered how to be happy, and what that feels like. I hope it will sustain me for the upcoming 3 weeks, and if not, I can be sustained by my fantastic roommates."

I'm not about to claim that these past 4 months have been without "happy" times because I'd be lying but I have to admit I have felt my spirits and my normally "cheery Katie-self" have been snuffed out. It took this past weekend to show me how very far I am from the Katie I used to be, the happy, always positive, goof-ball, who attempts to pole dance on the Metro's metal poles and tries to puff out her jacket to make her look pregnant like the posters she sees. I was talking with my community mates and couldn't fully articulate the feelings of loss I have. I feel like this past weekend showed me people who are enjoying their jobs and loving the work they're doing. This past weekend reminded me of how much I truly dislike my job and I deserve to be happy in my job...I am unhappy at my placement and all of my trouble-shooting, searching for my niche and bringing my gifts to the table cannot help revive this sinking ship I'm on.

I've been leaping from one milestone event or excursion to the next with the hopes that they distract me from the general stinkiness of my job. But how long can I do that for? I will eventually run out of events, run out of visitors, run out of holidays to look forward to and then I will have to be here, in this moment, at this place and face my disappointment. I don't expect this job to meet the same standard as my job last year (that wouldn't be fair) but my over-all personality and "Katie-ness" is being sacrificed for this job and I need to find a solution. This weekend reminded me of who I used to be and as my brother said, "I remembered how to be happy and what that feels like." I miss that...I miss being silly and goofy and happy, just happy. Pray for me and the possible changes that may be happening sooner rather than later.