I needed to journal somehow about my current array of emotions and blogging seems to be the easiest and most accessible way to do it. In so many ways, I have felt the hand of God guiding me to where I need to be throughout my life. All throughout college I could feel His presence around me and even into my first year as a volunteer. As I hit the half-way point in Bridgeport, I felt that I stopped searching for His guiding hand; I stopped asking for it and stopped looking for it. It was like I was coasting in a state of bliss and was fine with a stagnant, independent relationship that didn't have me looking to someone else for guidance.
Heading into my second year as a volunteer, I felt that stagnancy the most. I felt 100% independent and 100% reliant on myself because I had ignored the hand of God so much that I didn't know how to ask for it anymore when I truly needed it. As I got into my new position and struggled probably more than I've struggled at something before, I came to my last resort: prayer. I turned to the Big Guy after months of turning in the other direction. My prayers were desperate pleas for understanding and passion for this new job. I asked for direction, for strength and for love.
This week, I have felt His hand guiding me...I have felt Him stepping alongside me once again and I forgot how great and fulfilling of a feeling that is. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I went to the wrong meeting yesterday and felt like a complete fool but as it turns out, we are going to be able to apply for that $500,000 grant because of my attendance at that meeting AND the development guy at my agency was supposed to be there anyway but couldn't make it so God directed me right into the wrong meeting for a reason and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
*Thursday, Oct. 20th, 2011: Then, last night, the thing I am grateful for today, I went to Brittney's work because on Wednesdays she works 1pm-9pm. Here, I got to sit on the stoop with the same man I painted with about a month ago...*Mr. Arnie...Brittney had been telling me for a week that his health was deteriorating and I needed to visit him soon. So I went and as I walked up to the house, he saw me before I saw him and said, "there she is. How you doin' baby girl?" He had a huge smile on his face and was so happy to see me. Brittney was telling me that he talked about me a little bit after the last time I visited him so I was excited to come back and see him again. Apparently he is in major denial about dying and doesn't want to be at her agency with those people and doesn't understand why he's there. It made me think, "Mr. Arnie and I, though very different, have so much in common." Through conversation and just companionship, I have gained and learned so much from our brief encounters. He has made me laugh, brought me to the brink of tears and made me feel good about myself. I feel like God's hand has guided me to Mr. Arnie. I am in DC for many reasons (most of them have yet to be revealed to me) but I know and feel that one of the reasons is so Mr. Arnie and I can lean on each other. We both don't understand why we are where we are and we both don't like where we are and we both sometimes feel 100% alone and self-reliant; but if we're both feeling all alone, then we're together in that sentiment so we aren't truly all alone. Now I have Wednesday nights to look forward to and Mr. Arnie's companionship to lean on.
*Names have been changed for obvious reasons.
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