"The Only Therapy I Need"

I feel like my last few posts have been a little down and mopey. I guess one can say I've been a little bummed for the past two weeks, especially during the Thanksgiving holiday. BUT heading back to school this week after a little break helped put things into perspective for me.

I have one child who is morbidly obese and my co-teacher and I try to get her moving as much as possible. Well, over the Thanksgiving break, the trees around our playground shed most (if not all) of their leaves. There were huge piles of leaves everywhere and most of my kids didn't really pay attention to them. Except for my chubby friend. She's usually in her own world and a little spacey to begin with so when I turned around and watched her flop her body onto the pile of leaves; it didn't surprise me (but it certainly made me laugh). I continued to watch her "play" in the leaves. She laid on her stomach for a while, then flipped on her side and laid there, posing if on a beach or something. I don't know who her audience was but I was dying with laughter. She piled little handfuls of leaves onto her legs and laughed at herself with so much satisfaction. I hadn't laughed like that in a while so I walked over and began to play in the leaves with her.

The next morning I ran into a co-worker of mine on my walk to work. She is a bit older than I and is always a cheery woman. She always says things like, "hey friend! How are you?" when she greets me. She's just so pleasant. Well anyway, we were talking about the little things our kids do or say that are funny (like maple syrup belly buttons or rolling in leaves or criticizing us for packing a sandwich yet again for lunch). When it came time for us to part ways she said, "I tell you what, I divorced my ex-husband 18 years ago and ya know, these babies were the only therapy I needed."

Her words have resonated with me over this week because she's right, she's absolutely right. When I am tired or bummed, these goofy kids have a way of lifting my spirits that very few others could do.

Yesterday, my little "Cowboy Tito" tried to fix my hair. He stole his baby sister's princess crown, put it in my hair and then proceeded to play with my hair; tangling it, yelling at me to sit still and to not talk (or he would mess up). It was really funny because I kept talking to try and figure out what he was doing and he kept throwing his arms down by his side, saying, "I can't work if you keep talking!" He then proceed to find little strips of blue ribbon and strategically place them in my hair. His seriousness and precision only made this encounter even more priceless.

These babies are the only therapy I need...instead of looking other places for joy, I need to refocus on the 15 treasures in front of me every day. They are all I need on a gloomy day and it's in sharing them and their stories that my gloominess disappears.

Outward Love

My last few posts have been self-driven and self-focused so today I really want to turn over a new leaf of outward love and share some things that have nothing to do with me.

There have been two major things that have happened this week that have warmed my heart and have helped remind me of the larger world I live in.

1) I was sitting in my cozy living room on Wednesday night, watching the news, when the show did a special on an event DC does every year for Thanksgiving. The event is a celebration of all those adopted that year. Kids from age newborn to 16 are shown with their new, adoptive parents and families. I didn't think much of it until I saw a clip of my student being held by her social worker and her 3-year-old brother being held by their grandmother. This was the same student I wrote about in my blog entitled, "Home". She got adopted by her grandmother!

Thinking about all she has been through in her short 5 years of life, I couldn't help but feel excited for her and what this means for her future. This little girl won't be scared to go home anymore; she'll have the support she needs at home and she'll have a great environment to grow up in. I am so happy for her and so thankful that everything worked out for her family.

2) I found out today that my Death Row inmate that I've been writing back and forth with as part of the "Death Row Support Project" has been relocated. My pen pal was sentenced to death after his conviction in 2006. He was granted a retrial in July of this year (because of a biased juror in his first trial) and I just found out the results today. My pen pal has always been honest with me about the crime he committed. He acknowledged that he did it and he entered a guilty plea in the retrial.

In July, he was found guilty but this time sentenced to life without parole. Because of the guilty plea he made, he didn't get the death penalty. I pray that one day the death penalty won't even be on the table for anyone. I pray one day that the death penalty won't even be a part of the equation. My pen pal isn't perfect and he did a terrible crime and my heart goes out to the victims, but an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. I am happy that my friend can live a long life and try to make right by what he did.

I just wanted to share two snip-its of life that have made me smile. I hope all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! We certainly have many things to be thankful for and many people around us to help remind us of the outward love we all deserve.

Thankful for Maple Syrup Belly Buttons

On the eve of the eve of Thanksgiving, thoughts of gratitude are swarming my brain.

During our writing lesson today, I tried to have my Kindergarten kids write about what they were thankful for and one of my high energy students shouted, "hey! My belly button smells like maple syrup!"

In that moment, her ADD and excitement over something unexpected is what I am grateful for this year.

I have my health, I have a wonderful family, always willing to challenge me yet also keep me grounded to who I am as a Conway. I have my students, who frustrate me only about half as often as they make me smile. I have a roof over my head and food in my refrigerator. I have two years of a service corps under my belt (i.e. two years of perspective, challenges, insight and love).

So even though my belly button does not smell like maple syrup, I have a lot to be thankful for.

However, this Thanksgiving seems to bring my heart and mind to pause a wee bit. I have spent Thanksgiving away from family before but this is the first one where I am spending the holiday by myself. I am excited for the time alone but all that time alone has made me more aware of the changes I've made in my life.

The distance between my family/friends and myself is more apparent now that I don't have a volunteer program to focus on. In short, I miss them. I miss being around friends who have been there through my awkward middle school years or friends who have seen me change through my college years. I miss the close-knit relationships I have back in Washington. I love the friends I have in DC, but it just isn't the same. Friends in Washington are getting married, having babies, starting new careers, moving, etc. and I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines, watching.

I decided to stay on the east coast because I wanted to challenge myself. I wanted to blaze my own path, without a volunteer program to direct me or family nearby to support me. I wanted to feel self-sufficient and independent. Well, I got it; I have it.

With that said, I am grateful for these past four months of self-sufficiency. I am grateful for the friends who have supported me before and during these past three years of east coast livin'. I am grateful for the children that broke my heart in Bridgeport and my current children in my Wolfpack classroom. I am grateful because all these experiences and people have helped me to realize that I belong on the west coast; my heart is there and my soul is there. It is my hope that after 5 years of living on the east coast is done, I will pack up a U-Haul and move back to Washington (that's 2015, if you're wondering).

I am grateful for so much and this time apart from those I love only amplifies that. I have been so fortunate and so blessed with the opportunities given to me. I thank God, my friends, my family and my co-workers for continuing to shape, challenge and support me. I am grateful for many things, especially little moments of unexpected silliness that help remind me to get excited about the little things, like maple syrup belly buttons.

Reflections on Turning 25

As a five-year-old, I remember imagining myself at 16; thinking, "wow, I'll be driving, hanging out with cool friends, carrying around a lot of heavy books and hanging out at my locker a ton." When 16 came, those ideas became sorta realities, with some obvious twists.

Now that I'm four days away from turning a quarter century old, I'm remembering what I thought of 25 when I was five years old.

By 25, I thought I'd be wise, mature, accomplished. I thought I would've owned a house, that I cooked in all the time and drove a car to fancy meetings every day and discussed important business things, using big business words. I can confidently say, most of those things haven't happened. And I can also confidently say, I am thankful that they haven't.

I am silly and giggly and I act much like a five-year-old still. I know I can have a serious conversation or laugh at some fart joke. So I guess the maturity thing might reach me by the time I reach 1/2 a century old. As for the rest, I can't imagine being that person right now. My life has had many twists and turns, more ups than downs and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have had the privilege to meet many people from coast to coast who inspire me to be a better version of myself and remind me of what truly matters. I have traveled to places I never thought imaginable. I have a loving and semi-strange family and a caring and humorous roommate. As well as some loyal and amazing friends from Washington (the state) to PA, to CT, to DC to NOLA. And I have found my calling within my vocation. I am blessed. I guess if these past 25 years have taught me anything, it's that blessings come in many forms and there are too many to count, if we choose to open our eyes to see them.

Some Thoughts/Words of Wisdom to my 5-Year-Old Self:
1) Never Stop Smiling
2) Love the ones You are With
3) When in Doubt, Wear the Onsie
4) Never Shy Away From an Adventure or a Chance to Learn
5) Be Kind to Your Siblings
6) Be Kind to Yourself
7) Never Let Anyone Cheapen You
8) Color Outside of the Lines Once in a While
9) Have Dance Parties as Often as Possible
10) Never Lose Sight of Your 5-Year-Old Self

My birthday party on Saturday is Kindergarten themed. I had the choice between doing a "Senior Citizen" party or a "Kindergarten" party and I think it's obvious why I chose the theme I did...I hope to never lose sight of my five-year-old self and I am excited to see what this new quarter century brings me.

For Your Viewing Pleasure:

(First Day of Kindergarten) 

The Slugs of Life

Let me paint you a picture: I am sitting in my sweats, on my living room couch, drinking a "naughty milk" as Mama Conway calls it (Bailey's and hot cocoa) and thinking about the craziness of this past week.

Leading up to Friday, I was busy planning and stressing about my classroom's first field trip ever. Figuring out chaperones, transportation, lunch, permission slips, fares, times, exhibits to see, etc. occupied my mind for four solid days. Then, the day finally came, and I was petrified my "Anti-Christ" kid would jump into the lion's den or I'd lose a kid or one of my nut allergy kids would touch something contaminated. But alas, we set out for the National Zoo.

My kids were adorable, yet scared, to ride the Metro. They held on to our hands tightly and proceeded to fit three to a seat because they all wanted to talk to us. Slight side note, the National Zoo is a bit of a walk from the Metro stop (a fact I didn't know so my kids were grumpy about it). We saw Cheetahs, baby Cheetahs, Gazelles, wolves, red pandas, giant pandas, elephants, all the monkeys in world, the reptile house and a SLUG (something we're learning about it science right now).

My chaperones were great and lunch eventually got figured out but the return trip was rough. My kids were exhausted and very grouchy about walking so far...it was not pleasant and I was also exhausted. BUT they seemed to enjoy themselves a lot and they talked about the slug the most (so funny that we go to the zoo and the animal they love the most is a slug). They talked about how big it was and used the vocab words we learned to describe the slug and they made predictions about whether the slug had a family and most importantly, they asked to return to the zoo so they could see the slug again.

From that point until now, I have been on the go...living out my elongated "weekend zoo", if you will. I went to my friend's all-female arm wrestling competition, helped a friend move on Saturday, toured the monuments at night on Saturday and then ran in the Color Run (5K race) today. It's been non-stop but when I think about the fun moments I shared with the amazing people I am blessed to know, I don't think of those moments on a grand scale.

They usually involve 20 minute conversations about the term, "turn your head and cough" or having dance parties while waiting to have our group called to begin the Color Run or trying to fix my friend's toilet or shooting Nerf guns at each other in my friend's apartment...it's the small things...it's the "slugs" that have me excited and leave me happy that I experienced it all.

As I think about the many ways I over plan my life and try to micro manage the big projects, I think about my kids. I think about their ability to find joy in the smallest and unexpected. I think about the silly little moments I've shared with them and with my friends that I cherish. Sure, the big things were fun too but it's the down time, the side conversations, the unplanned slugs that pop up when you're expecting to see an Orangutang that fills your soul and warms your heart. This weekend, within the craziness of life, I am most grateful for the unexpected slugs that came my way and my kids for reminding me the importance of those slugs.

Eros: I Will Give Myself to You

Brittney visited today. I hadn't realized how much I missed her and her supportive spirit. It brought back such wonderful memories and feelings. Colleen, Britt and I went to breakfast together and then Mass; it was kind of a JVC 2011-2012 reunion for us. I haven't been to Mass since August 5th, which was the last time Britt was in DC, so entering those giant wooden church doors with her by my side was even more meaningful.

When Britt, Colleen and I selected our pew and finished our prayers, we looked up to see the one and only, Fr. Paul Dressler (a Franciscan Friar). He began his "term" with St. Augustine's the same time we moved to DC and we bonded with him because of his warmth, authenticity and amazing homilies. During our JV year in DC, we invited him over to our place and got to know him fairly well.

It seemed as though the planets aligned to have us all there, under God's roof, to celebrate kinship, family and love.

As Fr. Paul read the Gospel and we all sat down to hear his words of wisdom in the homily, he quoted the opening line to the movie, "Mystic River":

“Brendan Harris loved Katie Marcus like crazy, loved her like movie love, with an orchestra booming through his blood and flooding his ears.  He loved her waking up, going to bed, loved her all day and every second in between.  Brendan Harris would love Katie Marcus fat and ugly.  He’d love her with bad skin and thick fuzz on her upper lip.  He’d love her toothless.  He’d love her bald.

Katie.  The trill of her name sliding through his brain was enough to make Brendan feel like he could walk on water and bench-press an eighteen-wheeler, toss it across the street when he was finished with it.

Brendan Harris loved everyone now because he loved Katie and Katie loved him.  Brendan loved traffic and smog and the sound of jackhammers. He loved Monday mornings and standing in line at the DMV.  Everything was sweeter because he loved Katie and Katie loved him."

Fr. Paul later related Brendan's love, his crazy movie love, a desirable love; Eros (as the Greek call it). A love that we all thirst for, a love that makes life sweeter and the DMV less painful. Fr. Paul explained that God's love for us is in fact Eros, it is movie love...his love is crazy, mad, stupid love because he loves us even when we are toothless, fat and ugly and even on Mondays. God has a thirst, a burning desire to love us and that is Eros. 

As the choir began to softly transition the church into preparing for communion; they sang, "I Will Give Myself to You." As I sat between two women who saw me change and grow during my second JV year and presently, keep my heart in check, I realized that as long as God keeps sending me beautiful people like them to help live out His Eros love for me, the task of "giving myself to Him" becomes a little less scary and less challenging. 

Home

Over the past week I have become obsessed with this song called "Are We There Yet?" by Ingrid Michaelson. Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ingridmichaelson/arewethereyet.html

This song has interesting lyrics and keeps popping up in my day-to-day adventures and outings. In it, she describes the hope, the confusion, the unsteady wondering of whether the place she is at right now is where she belongs. In the song, her evolution comes full circle and she changes from looking outward to inward. She asks herself, "do I make someone else feel like they're home? What am I doing?"

I think this song keeps popping up in my life for multiple reasons. In the past month I have wondered if DC and teaching here is where I belong. I have felt a little doubt; especially as I dive deeper into this transition into adulthood. I keep wondering how different my life would be if I were back on the west coast. I keep wondering how my family, my friends, my "home" are doing. I think of them and the roles they would play in my life, if I lived there. As I ponder these things and try to distract myself with work and with apple picking or Back to School Night or some fall activity, I realize, God has me here because He wants me to be here.

It isn't my job to ask if I am there yet...it's my job to ask if I am giving my gifts to the fullest or if I am helping someone else feel at home here.

As this song kept popping up, one of my students on Friday personified the song. My precious, little sweetheart of a Kindergarten girl who is a ward of the District and lives with her grandmother and little brother, put my life into perspective. On Friday, at around 2:30pm, she became very upset. Now, Debra* is usually upbeat, smiley, loving and giving to other classmates so this sudden attitude change alarmed me. Debra was crying and couldn't tell me why.

At around 3:30pm, the after-school-care people came to pick her, and a few other students of mine, up. Debra became frantic. I got down to her level, looked her in the eyes and said, "I need you you to tell me why you're crying. I don't like to see you cry and I want to help; it hurts me to not be able to help you."

She looked up and said, "I want my Grandma. I don't want to go home with my mom today." And she lost it. She lost every ounce of composure she was trying to maintain. In that second, my kids from Bridgeport came back to mind, the kids who were afraid to go home, the kids who would stall or run away from mom, dad, brother, uncle, grandma or auntie. I was reminded of the pure terror some of my kids felt at the mere sight of their guardians coming to pick them up and then looked at Debra, my bubbly, giggly, little girl.

I hugged her tightly, not wanting to let her go and I whispered to her, "You will be home tonight, with Grandma. She will be there. And remember that even when Grandma or I are not around, we are always thinking of you. I am always thinking of you, Debra. I am always here so if you need to cry, I will be right here, OK?"

And there I squatted and she collapsed into the crease of my neck and cried; we both cried. Are we there yet? I have no idea. I don't think I know what home looks like for me yet. But I know what it feels like and in those short moments that help remind me of those feelings, I know that I am right where I need to be.

*Names have been changed