In a moment of immense vulnerability and on the cusp of PMS for sure, I am writing an emotion driven post tonight. We're reaching the 1/2 way point of Shaun's deployment. It's reassuring to think that more days will be behind us than in front of us. But I'd be lying if I said it's gotten "easier". I think that term is fluid. It never gets "easier". There are moments where I get wrapped up in work and his absence fades into the background; but it's still there.
Over winter break, I flew into Boise and as soon as I saw my mother, I began balling - in the airport, like a child. I think I had stored it all up for so long, and suppressed how sad and lonely I was feeling that when I finally saw comfort, I released it all. The next two weeks continued to fall into that same theme of sleeping a lot and being alone with myself to really process everything.
On Christmas Day, I opened my brother's gift to find that he had booked a flight to DC to visit me. He said, "let me know if those dates work, I just thought February might be a good time." I said thanks and that I was excited and then my brother continued talking to my parents about his planned visit. I tuned them out, thought deeply about some things and then finally let them in and said, "ya know, this is...(starting to cry)...actually a great time to come. (Pause to collect myself) Because I've been really anxious about what I was going to look forward to after Christmas and now I have it." I stumbled upon the last words as they came out. My family sat and looked at me with such compassion. I think it was the insight my parents had been seeking. The following week, my dad booked two plane tickets to visit me the same weekend as my brother in February.
Upon reflection, I wasn't just suppressing my difficulties from myself but from my family. On Christmas morning I saw how relieved my parents were to see me break down and have an honest conversation about my struggles. For some strange reason, I thought this deployment was mine alone and didn't really consider the support system I had waiting for me; just waiting for me to "use" them. Over my last few days in Boise, I realized how blessed I am to have a mother with an eagerness to help and a deep desire to love and comfort me in some of my saddest times. I am blessed to have my father's wisdom as he reminds me to strive for "progress, not perfection" while throwing in corny jokes along the way. I am blessed to have a brother who wants to visit me; who wants to physically be here for me; who researched and found (in his opinion) the best book about lives during deployment for wives. Equally as important, I am blessed to have a boyfriend who sends me an amazing Christmas gift - half way around the world - that left this always chatty woman, speechless. I am blessed.
Opening myself up and letting people step in to comfort or be there for me does not have to be a sign of weakness or a whirling out of control sensation. It opens a door. It can provide a pure opportunity to let others love me; show their love and help me realize that I am not alone in being sad. It's in that vulnerability where I realize how blessed I truly am. I am incredibly grateful for the gift of my family.
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