Friday, April 3, 2015

Ch-Ch-Changes...Turn and Face the Strain

It's been three months since my last post. I went back and reread my January post and felt a sense of accomplishment (not like I've actually done anything in comparison but still, accomplishment). He comes home in 3 weeks. The anticipation can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. In a lull during my day or when someone asks me, I get this shock of excitement straight up my spine...he's coming back to me soon.

I can sit and dwell in my longing to see him and have him with me (which I feel like I did the first half of his deployment) but at some point, I decided to take control of it and grab a hold of this challenge, this new experience. Dwelling in it doesn't help anyone and certainly made our lives more miserable. So it goes without saying that his deployment has been difficult and challenging and down right awful at times. But his deployment has changed me in many good ways too. I have learned a lot about myself and feel that my love for him is that much stronger now.

I am proud of him for all he has done and is doing. I truly can see the sacrifices these men make and it's mind blowing to me that this is their life, our life together. But I feel like I have gained something from this deployment (besides a dependence on facebook messager).

I feel more confident in myself. I feel proud of the woman I am, the teacher I am, the girlfriend I am, the sister I am, the friend I am and the person I am. I feel like I have gained a sense of perspective and value. I am more of an advocate for myself and my students now and that makes me proud. Shaun has given me so much courage to have a voice and it's been really fulfilling to gain a handle on things I can control. Speaking up about children in my class or flaws at my school or even in my day to day conversations has been so satisfying. But also, finding things to fill my time that are productive instead of just passing the minutes by. I go to the gym, I have solitary prayer nights, I go to happy hours, organize activities for teachers to participate in, participate in a book group, cook for myself, try out new recipes, finish art projects, etc. I have a stronger sense of self now. In some strange way, his cheerleading from the sidelines has given me the chance to coordinate myself enough to mature in myself and grow into my skin.

 I'm excited to present this new part of me to him. I am excited about the confidence I feel. To be honest, I am just excited to have him home (to help propel this growth further). My heart feels like it literally is going to burst out of my chest. My eyes well up with tears whenever I think about it. I imagine the airport, me, anxiously looking through crowds as they exit the security gates, waiting (I've waited six months so you'd think 30 seconds would be so easy). Then, I imagine the rush of emotions I'll feel when I finally see him and the huge smile his mere presence will bring to my face.What will my first words to him be? Will I cry (of course I will)? Will I leap into his arms (so cliche)? What will he be wearing? What will he say to me? Will he talk about how crazy long my hair has gotten? Will he let me drive his car back to his place (hahaha)? And then I shake myself out of the daydream and realize, he's coming home soon, people, HE'S COMING HOME SO SO SOON! And I'll get to hold him tightly, as this more secure, self-loving woman he fell in love with a year ago and that is an accomplishment.

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