Only God Knows...

I love my work. It is my refuge from the craziness of my house and the volunteer program I am a part of. My kids keep everything in perspective for me. They are gifts; every day with them is such a crazy, rambunctious and sometimes an irritating time but so worthwhile! I love them…I love being someone they trust and care about. It’s amazing how attached one gets to the little faces and smiles that pass through those heavy doors every day.

When thinking about it, my co-workers give me strength too. They make me smile, defend me, give me a hard time, challenge me, support me and it’s kind of like a second family. I really appreciate the relationships God has placed in my life and it’s taken until now to kind of realize the gift of my co-workers. My roommate, Alie works with people all over the age of 45 and my other roommate, Melissa works with two guys over the age of 40. So I am blessed to have people who keep me jazzed and excited to come to work.

There have been a number of times where I’ve felt homesick, frustrated or sad and my co-workers have unconsciously made me feel better. When I had a student tell me he hoped I died, Steve wanted to kick his butt. When I was feeling especially homesick, Karitza was there to invite me over to her house for dinner and to listen to me. When I needed to complain about life, Joe was there, either willing or not, to listen to me. When kids weren’t listening or paying attention to me and I am at my wits end, Brandon came up to me and said, “who’s not listening?” and then proceeded to yell at them to listen to me. When I needed to learn fly dance moves or new phrase like “What chu is?” Jasmyn and Daeshaun were there to help me fit in. When I was feeling frustrated with gym classes and wanted to give up, Courtney gave me countless pep talks. When I needed a good laugh, Terrell looked out the window, saw three wild turkeys and started making turkey noises out the window. When kids were driving me to my edge, Connie would give me a look that just read understanding and it was all I needed to keep pushing through. When I needed to learn how to salsa and needed the proper encouragement, Kathy was there with a smile and a drink in her hand. When I was just getting comfortable and feeling like I knew what I was doing, Carl was there to poke fun of me and bring me back down to Earth. Every morning, Robert greets me with a huge wave and a smile saying, “Good morning, Katie! How are you?” Bianchi has always been there with a smile and an invitation to go out with everyone from the moment I put on my Shehan staff shirt and Sarah is always there to listen to me and ask me how I’m doing. Each one of them has made me feel included, has comforted me, has been a friend to me and has been like a brother or sister to me. This year would’ve been ten times harder without them and I am so lucky to have spent the past 8 months with them.

August will be here before I know it. This makes me sad, like really sad, because of the awesome relationships I’ve made here. I’m finding it hard to think about the repercussions of working here: to some of these kids I am all they have…what happens when I turn out to leave, just like everyone else they know? In all reality, when will I ever be visiting Bridgeport again, I mean, seriously? It’s sad to think about…

I’ve been volunteering for eight months, which means I have been stirring the metaphorical pot of Katie’s emotions for eight months. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned how much happiness I get from feeling needed. I realized how much God has been pushing me (and I’ve been fighting) to work with children. I have learned how strong I am and how incredibly weak I am. I have been challenged to trust myself and defend myself and to not hide behind anything (because for a long time I had nothing out here to hide behind). I’ve taken for granted the relationships I have back home: with my mom, with my dad, with my siblings, with my closest friends and kindest acquaintances. I’ve realized how much easier the world is to take by storm when you are surrounded by a safe, loving and supportive bubble of people…when that’s gone, the world is a scarier and meaner place and it’s harder to stay positive. I think God knew what he was doing when he sent me to Bridgeport because He wanted me to feel this, to know what this is like so I could appreciate all those relationships that much more. I am a little nervous to begin this process again; to start from scratch and volunteer for another year in another strange city, without the safety net of the relationships that I have formed in Bridgeport or Bellingham, WA. I am afraid I will burn out, hate the work, hate the city and just want to give up…but being the Conway I am, I know that I will never quit what I start. I take comfort in knowing that when I first applied, I wasn’t sure about doing the program but I said, “God, if You want me to do this, I’ll get in and if You want me to move on and You think I can’t handle it, I won’t get in.” Well, I got in and His decision was made so I take relief in that. He’s driving the car…I’m a mere passenger and although I am going to miss the people I’ve met in Bridgeport a crap-load (it’s a legit measurement…on the metric scale, of course), people come in and out of our lives for different periods of time and only God knows why…only God knows why.

A Few Things and More Little Blessings

First of all, I just wanted to take this opportunity to acknowledge the blessing that was this past weekend. I went on JVC East: North's Ignatian Spirituality Silent Retreat this past weekend and I went into it with an open mind and came out with it enriched and with a new perspective on life. It was a great weekend of tranquility, challenge and self-awareness. I loved the time I got to ponder the things in my life like being in DC next year, my job next year, my family, my friends, the relationships I've formed here (both unhealthy and healthy) and how all that relates to the plan God has in store for me. I will post again about these ramblings at a later time...my journal is half full now so I got to write a ton while on this retreat. Moving forward to what I am currently thinking about: my kids. I have more little blessing entries I want to post so I hope you enjoy reading about them!

*Kayla: This crazy six-year-old is off the wall. She’s beautiful but crazy. She’s always smiling her devilish, scheming smile and always doing bad things behind our backs. She’ll push other kids, cut in line, steal food and say mean things to the other kids. She’ll whine about other kids being mean when they tattle on her because she hopes you’ll listen to her and forget what the other kids had tattled about…she’s very clever and very sly.

*Dolly: Dolly is in kindergarten and she is a crier. When I say “crier” I mean she never stops crying. She cries because she wasn’t first in line, she cries that she didn’t get to play, she cries that the snack she wanted is all gone, she cries that the blue hula hoop she wanted isn’t the right color blue and she cries over EVERYTHING. I have never seen a child cry so much over nothing in my entire life. She doesn’t even know why she’s crying half the time. You ask her, “Dolly, why are you crying?” and she’ll just cry harder, for hours. She cried at least four times today within two hours. I can’t imagine having that many tears to shed.

*Brandy: Brandy is why we have a no more than two snack rule at my center. Brandy is seven and weighs as much as I do. She has the jolliest smile and the brightest eyes and shares with all the kids because she hates that kids go hungry. But when we tell her she can’t do something, she gets made for a second and won’t talk to anyone. Also, Brandy doesn’t fit into her clothes. It’s your usual Bridgeport case of a child growing too big for her clothes and parents can’t afford to buy bigger clothes so sadly, Brandy is busting (literally) out of her tops; her belly is always showing.

My favorite group is the 5-7 Boys group because I love them. They are so amazing and so funny. They also try my patience the most but I guess that's just how life goes. Here's a few of the boys that make my heart smile:

*Jacob: Jacob is in first grade and is the tiniest, little Asian boy I have ever seen...he's smaller than some of the Pre-K kids. He's got a high pitched voice and wears high water navy blue pants. He's smart as a whip but incredibly lazy. To get attention, he takes forever to do his homework so that one of the councilors has to sit with him to make sure he completes it. He can do it in five minutes but decides to take an hour just because he wants to be acknowledged so badly. Everyone thinks he's the cutest but until you spend every day with this little mischievous boy, you can't really offer an un-biased opinion. When I first met Jacob, he was trying to peer over the foosball table just enough to play the game. He was flipping the handles as hard as he could, screaming, "get outta my way, you foo!" He's ridiculous but I love him just the same.

Now I have my gym class here so I have to go...I will write more about the joys of my kids...loves!

Easter Reflections

Not only am I hopped up on coffee once again because my 40 Day abstinence from coffee is over but I am hopped up on the love Christ has for not only me, but everyone! This weekend was so wonderful because I feel rejuvenated and reinvigorated...I feel like my old self again.

Easter's various Masses and services helped put my mind and soul back on track. Alie and I decided to go to Mass every day during Holy Week so we accidentally went to a Portuguese Mass on Monday, an amazing Mass on Tuesday, accidentally went to Adoration instead of Mass Wednesday morning and then went to the Holy Masses: Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Vigil. It was a week full of Jesus and quiet reflection...just what I needed. I got so much time to think about what God's plan for me is and time to reevaluate my priorities.

Jesus has once again come through for me and trusting in Him and giving EVERYTHING up to Him is the only way my heart can feel full again. My mind, soul and heart feel all in aline and I am so grateful for this Easter season and for the time I've had to really get back on track! I have to go teach gym now so this post is to be continued! :) Loves!

Drip, Drip, Drop Little April Showers

We are having crazy weather out here. One moment it is sunny as all get out and then it becomes rainy and thundery. It's like all the seasons rolled into one day!!! hahaha...I guess that same mentality can be applied to this week!

It's been so busy with cleaning for our party on Saturday, going up to UCONN's campus last night for the big basketball game, dinner with Fr. Donahue tonight, shopping tomorrow for the party, a basketball game on Thursday and babysitting on Friday, this whirlwind schedule reminds me of college!!!

Alrighty, onto more important stuff--- I am constantly getting little signs to help remind me of patience and honesty. For those of you who know me pretty well, you know I am one to clam up and not voice something for fear of making the atmosphere uncomfortable or hurting someone's feelings or causing ripples in others' lives. Well, I was given this really great reflective book from Fr. Qui-Thac called, "A Heart Like His" and it is all about one virtue to concentrate on each day and that virtue is one that Jesus possessed in His heart, hence the title of this man's book. Well, the last few have floated around the virtues of honesty and patience. Two qualities that I need to find a balance. I feel I am too patient in some instances and not patient enough in others. Like biting my tongue for too long and then the issue just gets dropped (too patient) and having to leave the room because the question a kid asked me was so stupid or annoying (not patient enough). In addition, my honesty could be better balanced as well. I need to speak up when I should about my opinions, thoughts, ideas or complaints and I need to keep quiet when a comment could be biting or judgmental. Finding the balance is what I am asking for for Lent. Finding the balance between being too patient and not patient enough, finding the balance between being too honest and not being honest enough and Mother nature finding the balance between thundery and sunny days! :)

These are just the thoughts circulating in my mind at this second, while I am at work, thinking of how awesome my kids are and how much joy they bring to my life. These virtues are the ones I am hoping to mature and develop more in the coming 19 days!

Three Little Blessings

Before diving too deeply into my post, I just wanted to tell everyone the big news, if they hadn't heard yet. I found out that I will be in Washington DC next year working at the Emmaus Services for the Aging. I will be doing a slough of things, including Bingo, teaching computer, art, music and Spanish classes if I so choose, advocating for the elderly on the steps of Washington...hahaha...and just being a kind face to a population our society has generally pushed aside. So there's the big news, I am heading to DC...onto the next big adventure! :)

So I realized last night that I haven't written much about my kids, like the kids that I picture when I hear the words, "Cardinal Shehan Center". Well, just so you know, I get to spend my afternoons with over 75 kids everyday so any given day has me thinking of a different one! BUT...just to provide a little glimpse into how lucky I am, here's a little bit about the one's I am thinking of today:

I love working mainly with the 4-7 year olds. I love the boys...they say the silliest and craziest things (they are also the least behaved). But some of my favorite kids come from this group. For today, I will limit myself to three girls from the 4-7 group. (*Changing the names because of obvious reasons).

*Kay is so cute. She is my absolute favorite. She's 4 years old and is the biggest love bug ever! As soon as she sees me, she runs up to me and holds her hands up to the sky, expecting to be held. If I don't give in at first, she will stick out her lower lip and drop her eyebrows to look extra sad and she knows I'm wrapped around her little finger so it works. I pick her up and she nestles her little face into a craves in my neck and just holds onto me. It is such a good feeling to know that a little one is depending on me for love and attention and I love giving it! She has a little pip-squeak voice and will say things like: "I'm tired and I want to go home" while she's collapsing in my arms or she'll be jumping around and will say, "I want to play the bouncy game"; granted I have no clue what the bouncy game is. She's a darling who has a huge heart. I love her.

*Then there's Mary. She is crazy. Mary is 5 or 6 (Kindergarten) and I think she has a developmental disability. She's always screaming because she doesn't understand "inside voices" or conversational tones...so she yells, a lot. Usually she's screaming, "no one wants to play with me!" and "Why?" and "Do I know you?" She'll respond "why?" to everything...if I tell her to sit down she'll ask "why", if I tell her why she needs to sit down she'll ask "why", and it'll continue down this path until I respond with, "because I said so." She's crazy. She always looks like a hot mess but she has such a big heart. She wants to love and to be loved so badly that she doesn't know how to contain it...most kids don't want to play with her because she looks like a walking mini tornado and she always wants to play "Tarzan the Monkey Man" (a hand shake game). She wears a dress everyday and we constantly have to remind her that ladies sit with their legs closed...she still hasn't grasped that concept. She's always losing her shoes and then screams about that. BUT Mary always greets me with a huge toothless smile, hugs me and kisses me. Then she'll giggle and say, "I just kissed you." She makes me happy.

*The last little one is Shanel. Shanel is 6 or 7 years old (1st Grade). Shanel always looks sad. She's always telling me how much she hates her life and how terrible her life is. When I go to pick her up, she's usually dragging her feet and looking down at the ground. I'll ask her what's wrong and she will just tell me, "my life is awful." I will ask her why and she will respond with, "it just is." On her good days, like yesterday, she will run up to me and hug me and say, "I love my K K." (no idea where that nickname came from). Back in the fall I noticed she had marks up and down her arms and I asked her what they were and she started crying. I sat her down and explained that we were friends, she could always talk to me and I was just worried that she was hurt. She kept crying and finally admitted that they were bites. But after talking to her teacher about four months later, the bites weren't gone and we both agreed that they looked more like cigarette burns. Shanel is just looking for someone, anyone to help her, to love her and I try my hardest to be there for her. Yesterday she hugged me and sang a song while rocking us both from side to side, "I love my K K because she's my best friend." When I think of the Shehan Center, I will always think of her and that song, but mostly I will think of her bad days, her terrible days and those "bites" on her arms.

So these are three little blessings in my life. I will continue to tell you all about my 75 adopted children in later posts, but for now, here's the three that are on my heart today...continue to pray for not only me, but for my kids; for hope and strength to get through the good and bad days and for love.

Honky Tonk and Vocations

Well, after much breathless anticipation, here is the post about Nashville!!!

After making my way to the west coast, I traveled back to JFK airport. When my plane landed I was excited to act like a big girl and find my hotel shuttle, hotel and dinner for the night all by myself. I found my shuttle pretty well, made my way to my sketchy, sketchy hotel and checked in...I opened the door to my room and was pleasantly surprised: I had to text my mom with the exciting news of how gigantic my bed was! I felt like I could fit five of my closest friends in that bed! Anywho, after settling in a little, I set out for dinner. I walked to the Burger King just down the street and was looked over multiple times by the multi-cultural guests eating at said Burger King...they must've been wondering which rabbit hole I crawled out of...after walking back to my room and settling in, I stayed up flipping through channels because I hadn't had a leisure TV experience in seven months! It was funny...I stayed up until 1am just watching commercials and flipping through channels / watching "Interview with Vampire"!

My flight took off in the mid-morning and I landed in Atlanta, which now I understand where they get the name "Hotlanta" from...it was so humid! Then I flew to Nashville...the Delta flight had a small TV for me to watch on the back of the seat in front of me...it was like a personal size TV just for me...to which I played trivia on it! hahaha...when I landed in Nashville, the first thing I was greeted with was music...everywhere, MUSIC. It was fantastic. I saw music notes and guitars on the walls and country music blaring out of every speaker...simply put, close to heaven.

The conference was held at this really pretty set of buildings on Vanderbilt's campus. I guess it used to be a seminary of some sort but later became a retreat center...I had my own room and shared a bathroom with one other lady. It was cool. There were about 45 of us from all over the U.S. volunteering with different denominational volunteer organizations. I spotted the two other JVs from the east and we basically stuck together the entire weekend. I met lots of really nice people though. I got to talk with some people who were JVs from California, Alaska, South Dakota, Oregon and Washington; which was neat comparing notes.

The actual conference was interesting because it was geared mostly toward Protestants. Some of the subject matter was about going to seminary and it made us Catholics giggle a little because seminary is something very, very different for us...hahaha. BUT we got to spend an entire day looking at different non-profits in Nashville like this place called Thistle Farms. The agency takes women who are prostituting and addicted to drugs off the streets and places them in a home that is self-running. There's no den mother or boss telling them how to run the home and Thistle Farms gives them a job because many of these women have records so they can't find employment. I was blown away by the incredible sense of compassion and pride they took in their agency...I really wanted to work there and it was difficult to leave them!

On Friday night we got to Honky Tonk...which I highly encourage anyone to participate in. It was so fun! We walked down the main drag of Nashville and music was everywhere...literally, everywhere. I was smiling from ear to ear because it was so fun! Live music filled the streets and people were dancing in every bar. We went to three different places...one didn't have live music but was like the anti-honky tonk bar, one was dripping in honky tonk-ness and was called the Whiskey Bent Saloon! Then, we went to Wanna B's Karaoke Bar. All were so much fun! I don't like country music but I had a great time!!!

I was sad to leave Nashville but I felt like the time I had there was great to meet other people who's faith is deeply ingrained in them. It was cool to see how their faith was directing their vocations, their dreams, goals, hopes and wishes. I came away feeling prepared to take on anther year of JVC by the reigns and ready to Honky Tonk my way through any bumps in the road along the way! :)

Where to Begin?

Since Feb. 23rd, I have been a busy bee flying and traveling from coast to coast and visiting numerous wonderful individuals.

I made my way to the west coast on Feb. 24th for a little surprise my friend Kelsey and I had in store for all our Newman friends back in Bellingham, WA. The trip begin on such a positive note, I shared my plane ride with about ten Marines and had the pleasure of sitting next to one on my flight. He had never been to the Pacific Northwest before so I chatted his ear off about what to expect and how amazing the PNW is. When I got off the plane at 10pm in Seattle, waiting for me at the security checkpoint was Kelsey, with a huge smile, bouncing up and down and holding a sign that read, "Welcome Home, Katie Bug. Ah! Love you!" It set the tone for the extended weekend.

It was a weekend of love. We talked well into the night and in the morning met up with friends at a breakfast place in Seattle. It was such refreshing to see Luke Krum Krum and Lucas again. Lucas and I picked up on our biting verbal lashings as if no time had passed and it was so comforting to have that banter in my life once again. From there, we went to the Woodland Park Zoo (silly to go to the zoo at the end of Feb.) and named multiple animals and laughed together. It was freezing but so much fun.

From there I went to see my brother at Seattle University. It was really great to see him and talk with him. I am constantly amazed at how much he continues to grow in his self-awareness every time I see him. I guess I still think I'm going to see my kid brother, the same one who played Kinex and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles every day, but alas, he is not that boy anymore.

On Saturday morning Kelsey, Luke and I headed up to Anacortes to surprise everyone at the Search Retreat. We putzed around Anacortes and then around 8pm made our big reveal at the retreat. It all seems like a fast-paced blur now, but from what my mind can piece together, I had butterflies in my stomach, big, man-eating butterflies swarming around my tummy. Kelsey went first, followed by Luke and Frank and then I was the caboose. I set my bag down and prepared myself for the lovin' of a lifetime. Kelsey walked through the kitchen and led the path to the gym. When I walked through the gym doors the first thing I heard/saw was Caitlin's voice saying, "no way, no way, no way. You didn't. No way!" It was as if everyone else in the room blurred because I immediately went to her. While she cupped her face and cried her face off, I held her and quietly whispered, "surprise." We both cried and hugged for what seemed like forever. I turned around to see Heidi crying, people turning around and screaming, "wait, what? What are you doing here?" It was beautiful. I wanted to give them a gift and in the end, they gave me a gift...funny how that works.

On Sunday I got to catch up with old high school friends who were in Bellingham and that was great to see them and hear what they were up to. Sunday night, I went to the Newman Center Mass and surprised Fr. Qui-Thac. I had forgotten how at peace that Mass makes me. I forgot how fulfilling that Mass made me feel; ready to take on the week ahead of me. It was beautiful to see everyone and spend the moments I had with them. Monday was spent hanging out with everyone at the Newman Center and saying goodbye to people many times over because our departure time kept changing. Through the will of God, Kelsey didn't have to work at 4pm anymore so we could stay in Bellingham until later (turned out to be 9pm before we left).

God definitely gifted me with amazing friends; truly amazing people that inspire and enrich my life. I had let that gift slip away from my reality while in Bridgeport and this trip helped remind me of that gift. Kelsey spent most of Monday driving someone an hour south of Bellingham and back, just so we could hang out with everyone in Bellingham for a longer period of time. People skipped class to spend time with me and sacrificed studying, hours of sleep and doing homework just to spend time with me. It reminded me of the gift I have been given in each one of their souls...God is good...too good to me.

This post has gotten to be very, very long so I will write another post tomorrow about Nashville and the conference I attended. Thanks to everyone who helped make this visit to Bellingham/Seattle a memorable one that exceeded all my expectations. I love you.