Waiting for My "Superman"

Last night, my roommates and I invited our support people over to make pizza and watch the documentary, "Waiting for Superman". If you haven't seen it, you should because I am an educator, I know what's up and I was still shocked by a lot of the education policies and activities going on in our country. The documentary begins with a kind of explanation of the title: a man, Geoffrey Canada, explains that when he was little, living in a very rough part of New York, he would watch Superman and anticipate his arrival...Canada would wait for Superman to come and save him from the horrible situations he was in. One day, his mother told him that Superman wasn't real and he was never going to come. Canada was devastated, as he said, because "all hope of getting out was gone". In some ways, I feel like we are all waiting for our Superman to come and "save us".

We are all waiting for the day when someone or something will rejuvenate and revitalize our hope, passion and love for whatever gray area we have in our lives. I know that I'm waiting for my metaphorical "Superman" to come and inspire my spiritual life. I'm waiting for "Superman" to assist in my prayer life, my personal life and my spiritual growth. I'm waiting for a breath of fresh air to come and pump new life into my spirituality. I'm waiting for something to take over and push me.

In the documentary, Canada points out that the only way he got beyond the "Waiting for Superman" mentality was by pulling himself out of the muck all by himself. He climbed out of and motivated himself to become a successful educator. In this way, he stopped waiting and started doing.

In this day and age, it is so easy to just sit back and wait...wait for life to come to you (which it never will), wait for people to find you (which might happen) and wait for our "Supermen". The thing that I feel has plagued our country is not just laziness but a lack of motivation; a lack of self-reliance. We are all waiting for our "Supermen" to come and fix things, make things easier, and breathe fresh life into our gray areas. It's most likely not going to happen. The only way we can actually find fulfillment or use our gifts to the fullest is by becoming our own, personal Supermen. It's not going to happen over night and it, of course, is not going to be easy; but playing the waiting game just doesn't seem like the plan God had for us when He made everything...it doesn't seem logical and it certainly isn't effective.

Lent starts in two weeks, I am going to strive to be a Superman...a person who is self-motivated, self-reliant and self-driven. I am going to improve my spiritual life and if I feel it's going well, I'm going to try and be a Superman for my kids...sometimes one just gets sick of waiting for her Superman to come; I guess that's when the true self-growth and transformation to adulthood begins.

These Times, They are a Changin'

Whelp, the results are in...drum roll please...ba-rum-rum-rum-rum (that's the closest to a drum roll I could get). I was accepted into the additional year program with JVC. This means I will be serving for another year, alongside the marginalized and forgotten in our society...I am so excited!!! I originally applied because I wanted to continue working with those who needed love the most and I really wanted to experience another population and city other than Bridgeport and the west coast. When I sent in my application, I figured it was in God's hands and if He wanted me to continue doing His work out on the east coast, than I would...after my interview, I figured the cards would fall as they may and nothing was in my control.

Well, I found out yesterday that I was accepted to do another year of JVC. I put in my placement choices and preferences and am waiting to hear from the different agencies for interviews. I've decided to focus on D.C. and doing advocacy work in our nation's capital. JVC is trying to get a house of only additional year volunteers together to live in D.C. and I am highly interested in doing that as well. I've applied for jobs working with the homeless, elderly and refugees. We shall see which group God wants me to work with!

I am so excited to continue pushing myself in social justice and community living. I'm excited to see what D.C. has in store for me and I'm excited to work with a completely different population than I'm used to. Don't worry, my west coast friends, I will certainly be returning to you eventually, I love the rain too much not to go back to my roots...so don't fret...it's exciting to know I have a plan until August 2012 and it's even more exciting to know that I'm going to get to meet a whole new batch of people next year! Thanks for all your support and love and prayers, I felt them and needed them...loves.

All You Need is Love

Happy post-Valentine's Day everyone! We've reached the half-way point in my JVC year...and what could possibly be a better theme for a post than LOVE???

During the past six months, I have felt challenged in many, many ways. I have felt challenged in my spirituality, my values and in my optimism. I have seen kids' pain and at times I have felt helpless in aiding my kids. The one constant, through everything, has been love. I talked a little bit about it in a speech I gave at Re-Orientation last month so I might be wearing out the topic, but it's Valentine's Day so it seems appropriate.

I was asked the question last night: "How do you remain hopeful in hopeless situations?" This is a tough, tough question to answer and I feel like it is the underlying theme of the entire six months I've spent with JVC this year. Part of my answer would have to rely on faith. I have a strong faith that God has put me here, in Bridgeport, for a specific purpose. If that purpose in my full year of service is to spend just one day making someone feel better than the rest of the 364 days are well worth that one day. My faith in God and His time and His plan helps me to see past the pain, the sadness, the loneliness and look to something bigger. Secondly, I believe in love. I believe that if I love a person long and hard enough than it will somehow, some way, help in whatever way. I know when I feel the most down, the most helpless and the most lonely, the love my kids give me, gives me hope.

On Valentine's Day, before 2:30pm, I had a pretty average day. Then, at 3pm, my kids came busting through our front doors, hopped up on sugar, and many of them asked if I'd be their Valentine. They fought each other to be my Valentine and shoved hand made cards and notes into my hands. They made me feel so loved...that feeling has carried me through the week. Their love has carried me through to today (and hopefully tomorrow too). It's faith and love that give me hope in hopeless situations; it's the faith and love my kids have for me that give me hope. As my friend said in his speech at Re-O last month, "love has ruined us for life" and I can't help but agree with him. Happy Love Day everyone!

Dock Your Worry Boat

Lately I've been really stressed out about applications and interviews for a second year with JVC, working at the Shehan Center, homesickness, my sister's wedding, traveling to Nashville in two weeks, trying to stay in contact with everyone back home and life in general.

This week has been especially stressful and I have not exactly handled the stress with the most grace and confidence as I usually do. I have taken the route of bottling up my nerves/anticipation/worries and cooping myself up in my room for hours on end. I haven't been as present in my community and haven't interacted as much with my kids as I should be.

With that said, I talked to my mother last night and she heard me carry on and on about my stresses and she said, without any hesitation, "oh my dear, Katie, dock your worry boat. What will be will be." In the immortal ways only a mother could truly understand, she hit the nail on the head. This week has proven to challenge my faith and trust in God. I must dock my worry boat and let God take over. All the effort and work I've done is basically done and the rest will play out as God wants it to. If I get into the additional year program, if I get the bridesmaids dress of my dreams, if my kids grow and learn from me is all in God's hands and I need to trust that His hands will take care of me.

This weekend is the Camden Valentine's Day party and it'll be nice to relax, unwind and see everyone that I haven't seen in about a month. It'll be nice to get out of Bridgeport for a little bit and to see Philly again. I think I need to concentrate less on the worrying and more on the moments; more on the intentional time I spend with my housemates and friends in Bridgeport and more on my faith in God. It's time to dock my worry boat, and trust that if God wants it to sail, it'll go in the direction He chooses. Life is too short to be worrying all the time.

Surviving the Blizzard(s)

It's February so I thought we were semi in the clear when it comes to bad snowy weather but alas, this is not the case. From Christmas until now, we have had around 3 feet of snow and about 4 inches of freezing rain/ice on top of the 3 feet of snow. I have yet to work a full week at the center because of the weather...so I've had some down time at home which consists of cleaning, shoveling a little, reading, watching "Friends" and painting our mural we started in our basement. It's funny because I was asking for snow...well, now I got it! I got what I asked for...last time I'll make that mistake.

Moving on, we have reached the half-way point in JVC...it's gone by kinda quickly, but I feel like since the snow hit, it's been passing VERY slowly. After six months in JVC, I've learned a lot about inner city living, cooperation, patience (still working on this one), non-profits, homesickness and, of course, myself. JVC is funny because you anticipate some things like issues with roommates or tough situations at your placement or being financially strapped, but you don't really anticipate the direction your personal growth will take...there's no way to anticipate that...it's impossible. The major "blizzards" of these past six months have helped shape me in terms of my personal strength...unfortunately, I am afraid that the trade off has been that I'm not as "sweet and easy going" as I used to be. The harshness of who I work with and their home lives, combined with community life and being so far away from family and friends has hardened me a little. My biggest fear is not that I won't be affective here or that I won't learn, but I will lose a piece of myself in the process...I will lose the "bubbly and silly" person that God created me to be.

Maybe I'm being a bit over-dramatic but I do feel myself hardened, tougher and a little rougher than I was before...which may not be a bad thing, I just feel myself fighting for the old qualities I love about myself as a trade off...I'm not sure how to combat that, but I'm at least aware of it.

JVC has a catch phrase, and if you've done anything with JVC than you know it, it's "JVC ruins you for life." I always thought that was in terms of being a witness to poverty and never being able to go back to being ignorant about injustices; but for me, it goes deeper too...I'm ruined for life because I am harsher and less naive than the person I was coming into JVC. I don't know about the next six months but I truly want to maintain the "old Katie" for as long as possible and not let homesickness or the stresses of community life bog me down. The world deserves the Katie from Washington, not the semi down trodden one from Bridgeport...

I just realized how negative this post is...so unfortunate...I want to end on a positive note: I love my kids...I love the center because it gives my kids a chance to be kids and not deal with adult problems...I love that God is using me as a vessel or tool to do His work. He has a plan and if that plan means I'm going to have to be down-trodden for a little bit until I see the light at the end of the tunnel, so be it...He can use me...He knows what I can do better than I do...I just need to have a little more faith in His plan. I am happy here, I love the work I do, rest assure that I am not miserable in the least bit! Loves!

Kids Say the Darnest Things

Today I had two very different conversations with two very different little boys.

Devyn: In the first grade, had tears in his eyes when I went to pick him up at the school. I thought maybe he was just being a typical first grader and crying, until I asked him what was wrong. He was crying genuine tears and said, "my parents are fighting." My heart broke when he said this and I told him I'd talk to him once we got the center...so when we arrived at the center I pulled him aside and said, "Devyn, are you OK?" Devyn shook his head 'no' and then I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he shook his head 'yes' so I sat down with him and he told me about his parents screaming at each other when they went to pick him up that afternoon...I guess they were so angry that they just decided to have him go to the Center instead of going home. Whatever they said or decided upon, Devyn was very upset and legitimately hurt by what happened. My heart broke...I finally felt broken at work. A child at 6-years-old shouldn't be brought into that kind of communication...he was so sad, so scared...it just broke my heart. So I gave him a big hug and a cup full of gummy bears and told him that his parents loved him very, very much.

Christian: In Pre-K, we were in the gym and I told him to be careful because he could hurt himself if he jumped on the bleachers...he then looked at me, with all sincerity and said, "Heaven is a good place." It took me by surprise and for the second time that day, I cried...my eyes just welled up with tears and Christian continued, "my mom said so." I asked him what he thought it looked like and he said, "I don't know but if you're evil you go down and if you're good, you go up." His cute little face and basic knowledge of morality was beautiful and touching.

Both boys lead very different lives, Christian's dad is a judge for the city of Bridgeport and Caucasian while Devyn is constantly squeaking by in school and is African American...the two lives they lead...so different but both were able to touch my heart today. They both are looking to be loved and they both expect that from me. Today was a beautiful day that broke me down but forced me to remember why I am here...I am here to be their friend, their very best friend; someone who will look out for them and give them gummy bears if need be. They both say the darnest things and made my day more meaningful. I belong here.

Theological Reflection...Matthew 20

Last nights reading was Matthew, chapter 20. It basically talked about the old saying of "idle hands are the devil's tools." The chapter made me think about how in Bridgeport, most of the entertaining things to do are non-existent. You have to travel either 10 minutes north, east or west to find anything fun to do as a child or an adult. This makes for an interesting "playground" for trouble to fester.

From September, when I first met most of my kids, until now, I have seen a few kids drop out of the center I work for. I have seen, first hand, kids come into the center and without proper attention at home or ample healthy opportunities to "blow off steam" my kids have gotten into trouble: idle hands.

I've found that without constant attention and continuous activities, my kids will go crazy. When there's a break down in the schedule or my kids are bored, that's when poop hits the fan and things unravel. Fights, arguments, yelling, running around, not listening and disruptiveness are all the result of their "idle hands". Matthew chapter 20 has two different major quotes that strike me:

16 "Thus, the last will be first, and the first will be last."

and

28 "the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many."

It's the later quote that hit me the hardest. Idle hands may be the devil's tools and my kids may be play things of the devil's from time to time but the last quote is the one that resonates in my heart..."the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many." It is this thought that I must continue to keep at the forefront of my mind...Jesus served, He served more than I will ever serve for He died for all of our sins...that's a lot of people! If He can do that, than I can serve my mischievous and sometimes unbearable children until August...it's not that much to ask for, I just have to serve with a full heart. Loves, and I hope this entry made sense!